examen iii

Have compassion for everyone you meet,

even if they don't want it. What seems conceit,

bad manners, or cynicism, is always a sign

of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.

You don't know what wars are going on

down there where the spirit meets the bone.

(Miller Williams)

J.

i have spared you compassion the most. because of reaction rather than action. i have allowed your responses (or more aptly the lack of) to dictate my own movement. slow and gauging. never setting the pace, though i know them, though i know what needs to happen.

facing the reality about you and me has made me confront how i have ultimately related to people (aside from my immediate family with whom i have travelled) my entire life: never knowing completely whether i am a bystander or otherwise, always feeling a gap that i never have the right to attempt to bridge first. allowing distance and absence to put my heart into static, when people drift away.

you had reached out first, then. asking. 'gmick?' making small talk. then small talk grew.

i am grateful for the people closest to me who have reminded me of our friendship. because with me, maybe the feelings don't change. but for that to happen, memory does.

i am grateful for you for being the one to reach out first, again. calling me from across the escalators. 'you're rocking the boat,' you had said. in that light, the past month has probably been a bit of an anti-climax. i have been stuck at shore because i have been thinking i should know how to walk on water already. when there's really no way of knowing, not completely. there is only not knowing and doing in faith.

so here it goes, rocking the boat.