lost

don't be afraid to beg for the desire of your heart.

allow yourself to get lost in the Lord.

the heat of the afternoon is making it difficult for me to do any proper sifting

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so this has really been pretty atrocious practice of writing. i'm not sure what it is that makes me procrastinate writing about this in particular. i was just thinking about it in the shower and one thought came to mind and i'm gonna pin it down here so that it doesn't disappear and maybe it may even grow into something useful

the thought is this: it's not that i am not a romantic. i am. and i think my experience the last decade has told me that it's not really a great thing. it's either seen as too much or it isn't at all seen for what it is or it is taken advantage of or it's me being idealistic.

another thought is that: perhaps my attempt to grow up has encompassed a kind of letting go of such romanticism that is synonymous with naivety. and for the most part that is likely well rid, but for a crucial part it has also killed a part of myself.

another thought: that my heart is only capable of soaring within a cage. that's pretty pathetic. 

and the funniest thing that makes my life a bit of a joke is that when there was no cage to keep the soaring bound to a confined space, it was then that it found not much reason to soar, and fight, and be bold and romantic and brave and eloquent and the best version of myself.

that one relationship was really nothing but a mistake. 

back to being pathetic: only capable of showing much when there are those boundaries that keep me from being fully accountable for what i feel. it would be easier to deal with it myself rather than have another human being be part of the mess. 

because really, most of the time, i am not sure. i love / am in love one moment and not the next. constantly i deal with expectations and ideas of what i am meant to be waiting for. 

i am never sure. the more strongly i feel, the more there is at stake - the more i bury everything. 

in the current moment, there are no feelings, nothing at stake. now is probably the best time to sort myself out about all this. 

the only thing at stake is my vision of God. the only feelings are a desparation for surrender because i can't really control this one. 

because no matter what my friends say i just can't bring myself to 'meet people' the way the world does. i am the last person to handle a request for a number gracefully - i only recently learned how to accept compliments. i have this strong, bordering on crazy, hunch that i don't need to try so hard to meet new people. plus i am probably mostly too awkward to meet someone new on that premise.

so while i wait. i just have to work on being the best that i can be. and love whenever it is possible and whereever it is needed. that seems to be the only plan that could make sense. so i guess right now i am actually lost. i just have to stay lost in the Lord and it'll be okay.

wait

i dreamt about z. we were at a beach. with faceless friends. maybe some family members. it felt like a despedida of sorts. we were playing a game and he encouraged me to run across the shore, left wet and soft by low tide. i said i could see shards of glass and it's gonna get in my feet. but he ran ahead a little, saying, it's fine, let's go!

and i did get them. i was back on shore at a beach hut and started to pick them out. and things are disjointed as they are in dreams, and suddenly he was there beside me sprouting out a song. he got his 'freestyle' vibe in 2013 because he was inspired by his girlfriend and my urge to him to write songs again. someone said, you should have a handshake. and with a lot of laughter and the life of spontaneous verse i threw in some hand gestures to go with the song. i can't remember how it made sense, but i still remember the gestures: a thumbs up, a finger pointing in front of me, an upside-down sign for 3 that made a letter M. it was m for malas. we were trying to figure out how the gestures could be a handshake when my alarm went off.

my almost decade long relationship with z is something that has been on my mind recently since the unfolding of the story of k and c. and since he is planning to get married fairly soon.

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i am having a hard time focusing on writing. my brain can't seem to decide where to start.

before i conk out again and carry the weight of words i haven't written down, i shall try to lay here the most important:

waiting is sacred. my story is written by One who loves me and knows what will keep my heart alive for its fleeting purpose here on earth.

there is nothing i have to do except delight in His presence. there is no one i have to be except who i am right now. as long as my heart is set on Him.

for the days that are like the walk to Emmaus, may i not take long to recognise Him who walks with me. still, i know that if i do take a while, He will keep walking. step by step with me.

to wait is to expect, to know that something is coming.

easter

perhaps it is the easter season that brings love and truth to the surface. it is everywhere. it's dripping from our extremities. coming out of our eyes. shooting out of our mouths. erupting from the steps of our feet.

there has been a great movement lately. and the faithful try to ride the waves. i am so grateful for the more steady rhythm nowadays. despite difficulties. despite hysterics and silliness. despite sudden surges of joy.

i have been reflecting about love because of everything happening lately, and generally the transition back into home the past six months. you know you are home when the truth corners you. 

i feel like there is already a novel ready to explode from me because of everything that has been unexamined about my own life the past few years. where do i even begin. i guess this: the love of the world will never be enough. even the reflection of God's love, in the world, will never be enough. 

this shall be continued hopefully tomorrow morning when i don't have a headache anymore.

waiting

sitting in a rocking chair waiting for choir practice to begin. no one is here yet, the elders will drip in slowly, mostly with heavy feet that carry either a little too much weight or weak joints or ailments. this choir has been alive for as long as i have been, and maybe only half are the original faces and the number is dwindling and there are more flat notes than desireable... but still they come, still they do this act and commitment of praise.

i haven't been here in the longest time but lately my lola's guilt-tripping has been getting to my heart. this week has been an insane tugging-in-all-directions on the heart... and it's only wednesday. and it's holy week. 

the last times i was part of the good friday mass and with the choir, k was breaking wide open. whatever is to unfold this week... Lord i trust that You hold her. hold all of us. 

having a hard time with hardheadedness. i have been on the other side before and carrying a hard head is heavy on the shoulders and the heart and the brain is constantly imploding. i can only wait for the time he is desperate enough and is floored enough to surrender that weight. he doesn't talk to me. v says he is processing himself. i hope that the bridge is building. get over that highway. let's go. there is kingdom work to do!!