trust

so my laptop's brain is old and it is very difficult to find parts to upgrade it. i'm giving myself one last evening to try and find the best value for money, through my cousin who knows a lot about computers and lives in a different city and so there may be a chance that there is something there that i haven't found in all the computer shops in my vicinity. if none, it's gonna be php3000 for 4gb of ram. my computer would become twice as efficient. i wonder how that feels.

i brought home zagu for my mom and all she said was ay, si lola binili mo? no, i said. because it's full of sugar. i bought her bagels (only slightly healthier i guess) for her breakfast. sana si lola binigyan mo. later on, sana sila ate binilan mo. sorry, didn't think of it. sana kahit share sila. ano binili mo para sa binyag? dad and i agreed it's nicer to give money along with the swaddle we already have. sana bumili ka ng card. gagawa ako.

so many sana's. i was thinking about this while again using up a lot of energy to not become irate. sana translated it could/should have. so this is where i get it from. my dad too sometimes but only rarely.

correcting the past is useless. i will need to consciously translate this to "i will" whenever i encounter it. whether it's from my parents, or from me, or from anyone else.

i did a "3-minute retreat" that Fr James Martin had posted on facebook. it was called God is Near. in the retreat it was asked, what causes fear and anxiety in you? and i thought about everything. mostly all my preoccupations right now cause fear and anxiety. this is pretty pathetic.

the next question was for examination: in what ways is God calling me to greater hope and trust in him? and the answer is, all that fear. all that anxiety. it's all a calling for greater hope and greater trust.

the message is not to Do. it is to Trust. in trust and in hope, everything else will fall into place. i don't Do to gain more hope. or gain more trust. because then i would be trusting myself, hoping in myself.

there is a lot of fear and a lot of anxiety in me right now, Lord. even though on the surface i cannot say much besides that i am okay and i just want to get on with everything. i am trying to work through that fear. and work through that anxiety. i guess it is a valid move. to not be frozen. but i must not forget about trusting God.

what do i trust God about in this situation? i am not sure i know the details right now. but i know something really is off and it's not a matter of just accepting what has changed and letting life pick up itself despite it. there is unrest in this place. in this broken house. i am trusting God to kill the unrest. and rebuild this house. i trust God to move me how he wishes.

i trust God to show me the truth. show me what i seek. and what he knows i need. the truth about myself. and the truth about everything. no matter how long it takes, for as long as it is for love and it is his perfect plan, i choose to stay and wait for God. no matter how desolate the place may become.

to trust is to expect.

pre-

8:55am

it's open house this morning and i am a bit anxious to face the clay i have. it just had that smell. i am looking forward to hopefully finding clay that i can mix colour into. 

the school year is drawing to a close this month and it means a less divided brain for a while. i think i will be preparing for a kind of culminating activity that could have an outcome to sit in the school somehow, like a wall of tiles or somethig like that. it would probably be good to do it with the grade school too.

 

the verse before the gospel today says now is an acceptable time, now is the day for salvation.

this phrase, an acceptable time, has been following me for a while. i came across the verse some weeks ago, then came across a quote from madeleine l'engle's book with the same title. now this. i feel today i need to go and look for that book. is it the second or third or fourth book of the time series?

in school now and a bit early so it is still quiet. there is a lot less bustle compared to the first one i ever took part in. a lot seems to be dying down here at the school. i can barely imagine what it would be like with more than half the people gone. some key people are not here today and i had to do some admin things for the day's event. a simple registration form. the teachers and the other staff seem to be disconnected or maybe this isn't a regular occurence. it is interesting to see how things are in clockwork and if one piece is out, there is a disruption. 

movemove

the league of mosquito bites on my body is growing in number. 

there are days and this is one of them that i seem to not have much words to say. is there a term for being introverted from your own introversion? i feel like i need to recharge after all this. 

these days i feel empty and feel the need to fill up again. i read somewhere that 'writing is closer to thinking than speaking'. at least i am on the right track.

last night v asked me about the compulsive hand activity that surfaces when i am in a stressful situation trying to articulate myself. she asked if it distracts me or if it keeps me from focus. and i realised that it actually doesn't. it doesn't keep my mind off things. if anything it seems to intensify it. hyper aware. maybe a form of hyper-arousal like our trainer talked about the past few days. i guess in a way that is a lack of focus. i was talking it out and i realised perhaps i developed this not only because i had really started using my hands to think in practice, but because also my main communication channel the past six years had been through this. through typing. through using my hands. and a lot of thinking has happened in tandem with typing, the only physical act fast enough to keep up with my thoughts.

how do i unlearn this? or how can i regulate it? maybe i need to start verbalising in the morning also instead of always just embodying (though embodying has been a revelation the past week). 

time machine

the morning is quiet.

my lolo was talking about anxiety at the breakfast table this morning. he gets anxious when he calls up his good friend who is a doctor who helps him out. he revealed that last night he had taken a sedative and it had put him right to sleep.

i know he usually sleeps at around 9 and then wakes up at 3 or 4 in the morning. he always communicates it as being an early riser because there are many things to do: he has a lot of reading to get done, he makes walking sticks in his garage, and he finds things to repair around the house.

but it now looks like it is all just anxiety. he is anxious about his life. his health and prevailing ailments. his loss of hearing is bothering him a lot.

the other night lola was talking about vertigo at the dinner table - or was it that she was trying to remember the term 'pacemaker' which she has in her - and i was looking at lolo who was looking at her. he looked disillusioned. i can only imagine what he is feeling. for more than fifty years he has taken care of her. has been excellent with handling money, while she had absolutely no clue. discipline came from him. and now there isn't much but resentment between them. neither seems grateful for where they are and how they are together all these years.

maybe this is all being revealed to me now because i could end up like that. some kind of predisposition in me to become like my lola, talented and gifted but killing it over false humility,  overweight, living with disease, heart disabled. resigned to watching the same tv shows every night.

i don't want the people who care for me to turn into my lolo around me. sometimes i feel like i have no control over what happens between me and k because of the past that i cannot change. i have to remember the future. realise the present.

flump

panicking slightly because it looks like imovie has gotten rid of about half the footage i had been collecting over the past two weeks. immediately i thought of the repercussions of this. i even imagined getting fired. maybe this is really exaggeration. well that shouldnt be a maybe. it definitely is. worst case scenario and that footage is gone means there is still a valuable repository of procedures and insight in the form of a facilitator's guide.

idealism is the serpent in my head that tells me i am not much more than a failure, a talker but not a walker.

training is done and outlining march at tonight's meeting makes me keen and excited again. it has been a while since i felt excitement as a more dominant emotion than anxiety or a disposition than stress.

an hour has passed since that last paragraph. i got sidetracked by a conversation and then tying loose ends in my mind. tomorrow, i will buy a watch. 

today has been fairly steady and it was the last training day. the morning had hiccups and i particularly struggled with not being so annoyed with parents - i felt bad for this when i remembered that they were going to the hospital and not just going out for whatever - and there was an angry client around lunch time. 

one of the things i noticed about my disposition most of the time is that i can do everything. but ironically there is a fear in me that i cannot. i cancel myself out, as k said. it's like hopeful but in denial. like proud but meek (not in the good way as is described in the bible). too unrealistic. sometimes it feels like i think my best but cannot do my best. doing and thinkig should be in tandem rather than competition.

i am too tired to try and keep this going and i think i have dragged it out long enough. tomorrow i will do better. 

move

i woke up feeling uneasy because of a dream. i can't remember it now, it escaped me as i woke up. all i remember was something not good and it was attacking the Family. i did the morning's movement and with feeling of surrendering all that had transpired in my brain prior.

my mother has not been peaceful the past two hours of this morning. and i am trying with all that i am to not be shaken by this. sometimes i wonder how different things would be if i lived alone.

my soul is silenced by the music of olafur arnalds. his music is coming at me differently now, somehow. it feels so much more alive. i started listening again this week when k mentioned using it for meditation the next day. i had said i didn't have it but could download it. it wasn't used in the end but i am grateful that it is reaching me right now in a big way.

i feel spent despite having only woken up two hours ago. there must be something in that dream that really took something from me. i am having a hard time finding any words for this morning.

despite everything i feel determined to keep moving forward. i am afraid of time passing but i also want it to pass because it means i will keep growing. moving to somewhere different, somewhere better. there is fear in me but i do not allow it to keep me frozen. the time will pass and i will grow. i know this. i believe this.

empty

k sent a song tonight and i finally got to listen to it properly. as much as i was moved by the song, there was something else that really reached me about this offering. there was a comment under the video of someone's testimony. how he went to a church and requested prayer for two things, and when the pastor went to pray for him, he addressed the very root cause of the man's need for prayer, rather than just what was asked.

i was shaken. the commenter ended saying that those two people didn't know him. but they knew what he needed because God knew him. 

it's so simple. and so logical that it should even appeal to my frustrating CH brain right now.

God knows me. 

 the question i have been asking myself today is what k asked me yesterday: why can't i see my value? and i asked what i did that made me not see it.  and in a way this discovery of a man's testimony of believing, on youtube, was some kind of answer. God is showing me again. when k asked how what she had done had failed to make me see my value, i wasn't just asnwering to her but to God. 

when v asked me this afternoon how i was and i failed to properly engage and communicate because of some pathetic discomfort in talking about myself, i also failed to communicate and respond to God. 

i have felt that the response to the people that i love is only appropriate if it positively affects them. or if i am able to contribute something to their situation. it is always something that is a byproduct of myself. never have i considered that being here and being me was a 'product' enough. i have felt that there is nothing there, that i am empty.

my emptiness is something that has plagued me because i have not tried to lay it down at the Father's feet. the only way to fill this emptiness is for Him to do it. and for me to allow Him to do it. and expectantly wait for Him to do it. to literally stand on the edge of my emptiness, peering over into the hollow, eager to hear the first full drop that will begin filling. 

“We live by revelation, as Christians, as artists, which means we must be careful never to get set into rigid molds. The minute we begin to think we know all the answers, we forget the questions, and we become smug like the Pharisee who listed all his considerable virtues, and thanked God that he was not like other men.

Unamuno might be describing the artist as well as the Christian as he writes, "Those who believe they believe in God, but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself.” 

(Madeleine L'Engle)

  

Truth is what is true, and it's not necessarily factual. Truth and fact are not the same thing. Truth does not contradict or deny facts, but it goes through and beyond facts. This is something that it is very difficult for some people to understand. Truth can be dangerous.

(Madeleine L'Engle)



  

expand

the work day is done. yesterday i was a 3 and then at some point i probably became a 0 and today i have maintained a 5.

all 

i dont see myself clearly at the moment because for a long time i chose to be defined by others. to an extent it is true that i am all that i can relate to, am passionate about, can do, and love. but then where does God fit in that picture? i know i cannot live without God, without faith; i already tried that before. but what does that mean? can i not relate, am i not passionate, do i not love Him? 

perhaps there is a lonely kid in me that needs all pursuits to be done with company. my pursuit of God was something i did with company, and continued with company however disjointed. and my sentimentality and comparmentalising nature kept my pursuit in a particular context. contracted, limited, not expanded. i remember trying to join a group once in brighton and i really liked the experience, i learned lectio devina there. i had to donate just £1 to partake in dinner. wednesday nights. lovely people. but it didnt feel right. it felt like i wasnt home. i only went twice. 

i chose to be solitary because my ideal wasnt fulfilled. this mindset seems to make me do a lot of things wrong, miss opportunities. i couldnt admit my needs and made myself believe that what i had was already enough. 

Father, i am here at your feet and i cannot see you. i have made myself too small, so small that being at your feet looks like being faced with plain darkness.

i am small but i know that in reality i am not that small that i cannot see you as my Father. as someone with hands reaching out to me. Your love is here and it has been drowning me through the people that have stayed and sat with me at the very  end of myself. 

seeds

i am having a hard time finding words to start digging into myself. almost immediately i am faced with thoughts that say that i am self-centered and selfish because once again instead of being able to help someone else i have to attend to me.

perhaps the way to see it is that i am trying to find God in me. where is God in me and what is he doing there and what does he want me to do.

i found a prayer in my bible last night which i think was something my mom had inserted, during the time that she was using it for herself. it was a prayer to the Holy Spirit and it was called the Secret to sanctity and happiness. it said, tell me what I ought to do and command me to do it. and it implores that: make me submissive to your will.

it felt like that prayer found me at the right time. 

but as i write it now i realise the root of it is to not think about myself and see God in what unfolds, no matter what it is. this prayer feels like it has consoled me but it doesn't tell me who i am and how God loves me and why God loves me. so maybe it isn't the right prayer to attach myself to at the moment.

i don't even know how to begin speaking of what transpired yesterday evening. it was a headache-inducing struggle and i could literally see my brain fighting itself. one part was trying to stay strong and stay an image of a person who can be relied on and another part was just gone and lost and perhaps begging to be found. no, not really. what was it? maybe it just had no clue. of anything at all. 

maybe i am so accustomed to being mirrored or finding alignment for as long as the home is there. but right now it is not there or rather it is empty. and that means what is being mirrored to me is emptiness. and brokenness. there was a time where this sensitivity was useful and could help people. but now it is not appropriate. i have to be the mirror now. i have to fill this house again so that it can be lived in. i need to make a roof so that the Family can be protected.

i cant do this if i am only a reflection of a broken home. i need vision. 

i used to be so opinionated. and so sure of myself. i knew who i was. then God arrived and i was in awe. a state of discovery. of introduction. and for that time my knowledge of myself was suspended. because here was the Creator. He created me. and everything i knew was irrelevant.

in this state of unknowing, zeteo took care of me. was with me. and maybe the trauma isn't actually in my coming home - maybe it was in leaving home. and it was a long event. maybe it was the realisation that things could not be the way we had planned, that the Family would spend time over there. i then allowed the unknowing to take over. i have been suspended for a long time, only knowing deeply what went on around me but not knowing my place in it.

i don't know how to start believing for myself. i dont know why it is difficult. was it my past that told me to not brag? my mother who, instead of listening to a truth that i would try to say, would call me a know-it-all and arrogant? i was too young to understand the wounds and humanness of my parents back then. and maybe i didnt know how much it has shaped me.

but God shaped me first. He knows everything about me. and He loves me enough to shape me in a way that will get through this. because He has shaped this too. and it will all be okay. this truth is not grounded in me completely at the moment but i know that i have to start repeating it and believing it.

desperate

i fell asleep on my side, with my hands clasped in prayer in front of my face. it was stretched out a bit as if the clasp was reaching out as a tandem. i woke up after maybe 4 hours of sleep and discovered i had not moved from this position. before drifting off again i tried to feel for the anchoring. i had been in the position for 4 hours. my eyelids were heavy and puffed. there was a slight ache in my shoulder. my hands were comfortable nestled in each other. 

when i woke up again for the morning i put my hands together in the same way. and because of that sensation, hat movement, suddenly there was this strong wave of feeling that hit me that i had not been praying. even though i had desperately prayed 5 hours prior, before falling asleep. so i did. and i read the word. and i realised i had not read it yesterday. if this is the effect of not reading the word then i guess i am grateful. it means i am really becoming desperate and i want to stay in this dependence on God.

my word will not return to me void. i still remember when this verse was first discovered by the Family. seated around the glass table and me drawing or writing in the margins of my bible. the plant of abundance grew from this. 

struggle

1 am 

i shouldnt be awake. there is a clock that looms above me and i wish that if i just stopped it from moving, the whole world would as well. my brain is gurgling from all the stuff that wants attention. 

another difficult encounter tonight with k and as usual i didn't see it coming. am i really this stupid? why can't i think ahead? why is everything i am doing just plain wrong and why can't i ever correct it or just plainly do something right for a change?

in moments like this i don't even feel like i know what to say anymore. everything has either been said for me, or has been said before, or doesn't help the situation at all. i struggle with how to act or simply respond when i am facing the consequences of my inadequacy.

infect

the work day is over and it went all right. there was a new sense of rhythm today and i could see how the company could really pick up momentum. i can see the core is aligned in this sense and it is infectuous. at the moment there are just quite a few loose ends coming from one project and im trying to deduce its value. at the moment there is only one potential taker. in a way if we are catering to that one person it is possible to make it simple. however the cost to run the program may be far greater than one paying client. having just one also means there is very little socialization available unless we create that opportunity. maybe i need some courage to drop this. 

some kind of virus or bacterial infection is going through the house. i got through it okay with just a virus that turned green and eventually eased. but my mom hasnt had it and shes bren down with a fever twice now. she is getting a blood test tomorrow to make sure it's not dengue. 

in the car, v and i talked about our mothers. there seems to be an expectation that comes from both of us for our mothers to be the adult. to be taken care of. and when their issues arise we battle with the role of being a daughter and being an adult. how did i take care of my mom when she was ill? i cant remember anymore. i guess it helped she was mostly powerless throughout. but it was when she started getting better and could take control it became challenging. 

how can love take over forces of control? maybe i am also trying to prove something to my mother. it was only in the cancer period that that was perhaps absent. i wish to be able to be on that plane with my mom again. 

she is like me in a lot of ways. or rather i am like her? one day i know this will be the best thing. for now it is a challenge. we have to grow together if this is going to be better.

first day with an everyday watch today, on loan from v. it's great. she also says it is only 400 pesos so that is even better. i might buy the exact same one. i still have to get used to looking at it though.

train

feb 22, 10pm

i am late again because i don't have a watch on the weekends. i will set alarms now. the weekend is over and tomorrow brings on a different rhythm. or maybe it's my choice what rhythm i experience. since tomorrow is a semi-regular work day, it's going to be the real test.

currently in conversation with k about my own pottery classes for the summer. there is a looming panic in my brain that is telling me of all the work i haven't done yet. i haven't been able to tend to this project because of all the other things that have been going on and it's proven a challenge to get materials - that reminds me, i should follow up with the central ceramic center tomorrow.


---

i fell asleep attempting to write after the long conversation with k. i am grateful that she was able to not react to how i was which was panicked and starting to be defensive. afterwards i was able to sit beside myself and articulate what happened: when she started asking questions, my imagination responded to it by getting ahead of myself and thinking that the perfect answer to those questions would be a completed faci guide. but the reality is there is none. so a process began in my head of trying to bridge my own expectation and the reality of things and while my imagination tended to the perfect idea, taking away all the tools (thoughts) my brain had at its disposal to answer the questions adequately, another part of my brain was left on the front line, without any ammunition. thus, panic mode.

it helps that the trigger was pinpointed: being asked questions. it was the same when v asked me the same thing a week or so ago - if i was ready to do the classes. instead of a simple "i will be ready by the summer" it had to be a long train of thought that i would need to go here, go there, buy this, buy that, do i have budget? does work have budget? i don't think they're supposed to budget it. so do i have budget? will lolo help out? maybe i should just get the wheel made rather than buying one? but what if it's not reliable? i need to go to divisoria to buy materials for a starter kit.

wow. how annoying is that.

i am picturing dr g's lizard brain reenactment and it makes the whole thing just slightly humorous.

today is the 4th day of doing morning prayer movement and it is going well. i am less anxious in the mornings which helps with how i start things at work. it is a full week ahead so i am hoping that this will help sustain me throughout. i have a breather perhaps saturday afternoon but on sunday i am attending a baptism.

my mom didn't go to work today because she has a fever again. pareho kayo ng anak mo, my dad told her. to a certain degree he is right. this is probably why i am also so impatient with her. her cold and cough so far hasn't shown that her body is battling a virus - no green mucus or phlegm. so i am not sure what it could be. they will be going to the doctor today.

i am going to start the day now and praying for peace to stay.

alignment

today has been a blend of self-care: housekeeping and expressing and feeding. unforunately ive misplaced my external hard drive so i havent been able to clear my laptop completely. 

learning about the mind and body together has been enlightening. today ive thought about some things i have done since i was young, like counting with my fingers (i dont do that so much now but i remember i did clearly because of one memory on a jeep where a stranger called me out on it. anong binibilang mo paulit ulit? i realised i didnt know and was pretty embarrassed). till today, i count steps in groups of however many steps it takes to get to another line in the road...  i never really thought of it as a manifestation of or a response to anxiety but it makes sense.

it is sunday evening and i am preparing myself for tomorrow. i hope that everything goes smoothly tomorrow. i have to believe that whatever happens... things can be better and my being can move towards that. always movement. 

keep moving. keep moving. will be doing the to do list soon.

also read something today about the power of the heart. how it has neurons and isnt just a muscle that pumps blood. it is stronger than the brain in this sense of being connected to the rest of the body. i wonder what kind of strength manifests when it is from my heart, and not my brain? what if they were aligned? does my heart know God? what information can i make my brain send to my heart?

i sense that the knowing in movement that we learned the past week is a kind of knowing in the heart. perhaps the movement goes with the flow of blood, even.

sunday

my mind is quiet like this day's beginning. my body is sore from yesterday's first ever body massage in the history of my life. my heart feels full from the arrival of truth, finally. my spirit feels stronger now that it is even a bit more aligned to home.

there is a lot to do but i am grateful i don't feel anxious about it right now - the usual disposition i battle with on sundays, especially sunday nights. i am dressed pretty casually for mass today, with a hoodie. which i stole from my sister. i've forgotten to mention the other day that at ash wednesday mass v pointed out a girl who looked like my sister and at first i didn't see it... then i realised that it did look like the her, but from 6 years ago. it makes sense, that's how v would've remembered her. it was surprising to discover how quickly my eyes welled up. even though i don't necessarily think about missing her all the time. it's always there, and when triggered, it comes easily, not turbulently, gently even.

in church now and i am appreciating the blue and orange combination of the opening slide that says 1st sunday of lent.

the first few days of lent have been blessed, especially with the beginning of training. i have been reading waking the dead but im not sure if its tone is the right one for me to absorb right now. today i will look into some robert wicks books. or maybe i will continue james martin's Jesus. 

quick

it's a nice morning but i received less than pleasant vibes from lola. she is incredibly moody. she wasnt happy that we had strongly suggested she keep off eggs for at least a week. to see if it would benefit her arthritis.

second day of prayer movement and it has given the same lightness a the beginning of the day. a sign of growth. i want to grow. i cant stay the same. if i grow then everything will stay the same. because it means i am moving with everything. 

forces

9:04 pm last night. i dont understand because i saw that it had posted successfully

---

i had written earlier and then left it because i desperately needed to rest my eyes. the headache started to feel blinding and i knew it was the type that just need some darkness for a while and it would be alleviated a tiny bit. but while that happened, the blogger app reset and now my words are gone.

but i guess i shouldn't feel that way. my words are within me. 

since it is already 9pm i have missed the evening post (well, it was also lost to a sea of deleted data). the mistake again was wanting to add to it but going into waiting disposition without knowing for sure when i'd be waiting until. waiting shouldnt be in uncertainty. waiting suggests expecting. maybe im reading into the word too much, but. it makes sense and helps me arrive at a new resolve: waiting is to be always expectant.

today was the end of the experience of a workshop we were being trained to do. and unfortunately today the whole experience so far has been tainted by such a small thing - going about the procedure for the following week. there were a lot of different expectations and i think stress began to surface when all these expectations were in the air but not meeting. always missing. we went through many phases of planning and the objectives just emerged at the very end. perhaps the one thing that should never 'emerge' is an objective. especially when it's in a live process of communication, analysis, evaluation, and ideation.

did the effect of the training make our brains just a bit too vulnerable or fragile to go into that mode? maybe it was also how we were facilitated to be administrative but organic at the same time. perhaps this was also the effect of the trainer and her constant shifting from the two. or from challenging to accommodating. she wanted to mix things up in a way that didn't seem aligned to everything she had just taught us.

so that's what gave me a headache which has in turn caused my evening post to be prolonged, and eventually erased. 

it is friday and i am feeling spent. amazing how much those last couple of hours of confusion has changed my disposition about the week. i thought i would feel rested and be happy to attend the school's family day tomorrow but now i am seeing it a bit laborious. we also have to meet tomorrow given all the days we haven't been able to work the past week. i pray for a fruitful day tomorrow.

embody

this morning's dim natural light in my room felt a very good companion for prayer movement. i started by doing movement to what i felt, which was just waking up and a bit sleepy still, and then moved into a verse: keep on sowing your seed, for you  never know which will grow - perhaps it all will. an interesting discovery is that the movement of waking up and this verse were similar. i see the verse in a new light now. perhaps it will be my morning verse.

it speaks about growth. and hope. and a constant doing. i feel this is a good way to start the day and i keep it until a new way comes along.

embodying thoughts, feelings, and words through movement is perhaps the most important thing i have learned in this training session. i played back some of the video footage from the past days and i didn't like seeing how i moved normally. i don't know if it was what i was wearing that aggravated it, but i knew that i moved that way for a reason also. it was a moving with uncertainty. have i always moved in this way? maybe, maybe not. but i don't want to stay like that. if in the desert - i am calling the past years away a desert now - i learned to embody through creating with material around me, then this right now is apt. 

steps

currently on my phone to allow my computer to  import videos from the camera as fast as possible. this computer slowness is becoming a real problem now that i'm trying to pick up my life. i wonder if my behaviour has also been altered by this machine, just as i have acquired characteristics of my grandmother just from being around her a few years at a time while growing up.

i haven't done a new self-care activity yet tonight. currently what i am trying to maintain is: this writing, and reading. 

what took up my time tonight was my mom. she asked to massage her arm. this is a regular occurence in the household since she had her operation and chemotherapy. it's a side effect of having removed lymph nodes. numbness. what we do is either do tapping motions in the area under her arm and the breast tissue that reaches until the back. i do not like touching her. i don't know why. there are rare moments that i wish to hug her and i have seized those moments because i know how rare they are. but for the most part, i am not comfortable with it. if i sit beside her on the couch she usually allows her feet to rest pressed against my thighs. when the sensation happens i feel my brain and my body react very inwardly, like the blood cells get shocked. the reaction doesn't get past my skin. when i can't take it anymore i shift slightly to release the connection and i immediately feel better.

it's not that i have a thing against physical contact because my sister does similar and i am fine with it. i even appreciate the closeness. and i used to be okay with physical contact with my mom. when we were younger. i don't know why this is like this.

aside from fasting from negative reactions towards my mom, i also need to fast from silence towards her. these two will propel me to create positive experiences with my mom.

maybe i also need to fast... from the past. this will help my situation with the Family. to remember is important... and it used to be the baon i brought to the family table. but this baon wasn't integrated properly when i transitioned into long-term physical distance from the Family. and it's like a dystopia. now the past makes me dwell and forget about the present, more so the future - that becomes way too far. and i need to pay attention to that. keep taking steps towards it. calling things that are not as though they were. i know i will find these things if i call them.

things to do:

get/find an everyday watch

repair laptop

read

nesting in my room 

moving

i have noticed that the orange button that represents "Write Post" has now become a kind of familiar sight, or even a friend, of late. how many days do they say again that it takes to make a habit?

today's training session was insightful. i am finding i am responding more to movement than any activities that involve words - the self-care tree for example i was not feeling very engaged with. maybe it was the scale of it. maybe crayons aren't the right tool for me. but also the words didn't move me much. however the movement was something very new for me and it is opening up something in my mind. i think i will try to run before this week ends. because it's something that i have thought about a lot but never done. but i always imagine it. running. moving forward. growing tired because of moving forward. and maybe running will help my soul move forward the same way and build up stamina and muscle the same way.

in completing the image  i noticed i was always trying to stretch away from the 'image'. i was trying to find new space. define new space. maybe it reflects the way that i am also wanting to define new space in my life. sticking to the image made me feel clutter.

it was moving how colombian hypnosis was effective. it really focused all attention to what was in front of me, and nevermind what the body had to do to maintain that vision. it reminds me of how i am when i am in a zone for the practice of reportage photography.

the visual art activity i enjoyed was today's personal safe space. i realised that i didn't draw (i dunno if this was a specific instruction but i didn't follow). i couldn't have drawn because i didn't see a picture. i saw a colour. and felt softness. i knew this was my bed and i'm very appreciative of the colours of my bed right now. my word was 'rest'. and when k's word turned out to be 'illuminate' i saw some kind of juxtaposition.

but v's word was also rest (it was interesting how this was, because her space was also a bed) and i became self-conscious and changed it. this isn't a productive process and it's a state of reaction. and it's not me. i am not a secondary decision - though i have become so adept at owning a secondary life. my second word was 'still'. i still feel this word is right. but it was right in context of my self-conscious reaction. this has to change.

v and i were talking about fasting as she drove me home and i have been thinking about this. my action is to finish reading a book. i find it difficult to think of something to give up tangibly, because i don't see a spiritual mindset when i try to do that. i have a sense of achievement. and it triggers an obsessive-compulsive, non-productive tendency. but to finish reading a book means something else for me that is a process to strengthen my spirit.

my mother has just nagged twice to have dinner although it is clear i am in the middle of something and i have said that i am just finishing it. i am irate now, a bit. this is something that also needs to change - funny how when i came home Brave was the movie they were watching on tv. a story about a mother-daughter relationship. maybe there is something in this i can fast from. like manifesting annoyance, or anything unpleasant.

awake

posted 9am

things are a bit unorganized this morning because my alarm didnt go off. i also spent 10 mins on the toilet because i couldnt pee. it was pretty uncomfortable. i had uti once when i was a kid and thats something i never want to go back to. 

it's interesting what an extra 30 mins could have made for this day. i would have been able to write. read the word. i would have remembered to do a few things i had to rush. maybe not be affected by my mother's subtle nagging so early in the morning. 

in the car dad spoke about concern for lola. she might get alzheimers if she doesnt start being more active. right now she is the epitome of what i dont want to become. and it is uncanny how much i can be like her. i find myself a lot more restrictive towards her when it comes to food, as well. 

settling down into the morning a few minutes before the training and i think that things arent so disorganized after all. it is just my mind making it so. what i think may not be the truth. it most likely is not, even.

tilling

i got a bit carried away with work again. i need to learn to look at the time despite being engrossed in something. time check. time check. v asked if i wear a watch after work - i actually never wear a watch now. it's too much weight/heat on my wrists and when i started doing a lot of art i stopped wearing it because either it would get dirty or i would take it off and it's be at the risk of being lost or stolen. 

but v has suggested that wearing a watch may make a difference. i usually just look at the time on my phone. i see what she means. because it's on me. i've always considered a watch to be quite... decorative. maybe because the only watch that i own is something precious and not for everyday wear.

i wonder if my lolo will let me use his very cool casio that has a compass. 

i'll be typing up my evening post after this night post - it was done at the end of the training session. 

what that post doesn't cover of the day's activities is the meal we had afterwards at press cafe. i noticed that i was quiet or found i couldn't really say much. i don't know if there were any energies that alienated me a bit at that table, or if it all just came from me. self-imposed. i was reminded of the quick errand i had to run after eating and i was kind of grateful i could step out and get some air. i didn't know how to Be in that situation.

as i walked to fully booked, conscious about my leggings which i'm not used to wearing out in public, i questioned myself. why couldn't i Be? lately as this situation with zeteo has been unfolding, i have been thinking about one of the family's earliest memories. i seem to always remember this memory when i am in a social situation with k. we had fought earlier in the day or perhaps a few days before and it had lasted that long. it was a friday night. there were the usual plans to go to church, but roaming in town made the mood shift. k and p wanted to do something fun. we all went for a round of billiards, somehow with ryan. it is reall strange how vivid this night is, although i don't remember the backstory. and i could go on and on telling this story. but to cut it short - the moment that is most significant was at 19 east, at the gig of k's cousin, and we were all at the table and ryan asked about how it all was with this family. and when i had said my bit something shifted. and k acknowledged it. and that resolved things. 

the shift in that moment was caused by me taking a step out of myself. and into reality, where the truth was. and the truth was that they were still there. i was still there. and i could stop calling things that are not as though they were - in that negative sense.

maybe that's the saving grace that carried us in those good months: calling things that are not as though they were. in a good way instead of a bad way. Hope. 

i can see that the same shift needs to happen now and it's in that juxtaposition that there is tilled soil that will allow a new plant to grow. 

because really something needs to grow already. 

resolving

sorry, this post was done at 11:30 last nght but i didnt realise that it didnt publish!! 

-

i should have gone to sleep at least an hour ago but an hour ago i was still going through work-related stuff. while i was showering i realised i don't think i turned off the aircon in the art room and i don't know the implications of this but if it's bad i would ask for the expense to be taken out of my salary. i'm imagining that room right now all freezing cold and it's ironic because all this time we thought that airconditioner was broken and was stuck on not-cold-fan-mode. and today was the first day it worked and it was kind of a miracle. then i forget about it.

tomorrow is the first day of intensive training in expressive arts and trauma integration and psychosocial support. o was saying that we would be so tired after a day that despite the early 4pm end of activities, we'd be completely spent. i'm not sure what i feel about this whole thing at the moment, i guess i am keen to learn new things and finally get a clear picture of our main product as the founder and director sees it. i am also praying that things are even just a little bit smoother than the last round of training... i hope there aren't any mistakes that i make that will trigger a worsening of the current situation.

the 'kick-off meeting' of my coaching program produced a recommendation that i begin structuring the content of this writing routine a little, starting with an end paragraph of resolution. i will consciously start this in this post. 

tonight's resolution is that given all i have thought about today and done today, tomorrow i will maintain and improve my rhythm. today's mistakes resulted in slightly less dwelling time, though the one involving ilc was dwelt upon more because i had to review the information written to accommodate different readership. and reviewing meant i began to look at the details of unironed parts, and thinking up the different possibilities.... it's like a disease that duplicates doubletime. 1 > 2 > 4 > 8 > 16 > 32 > 64 etc. 

i feel tired and sleepy right now but i think i do not feel depleted. or maybe right now i'm choosing not to feel it. i'm focusing on what needs to be done. and maybe for a while it would be good to have no feelings so i can accomplish what i need to. well, my feelings could just be contained in this space and if i deem it so, if i 'frame' it as was mentioned in coaching kickoff meeting today, then everywhere else i can make the decision to not feel and it would allow me to function up to expectation. 

i looked at linkedin today and it says i've been at this workplace for 4 months now. i don't want this to take an entire year. i won't, can't, let it happen.

forward

meant to be posted at 8am 

----

i am getting anxious because my dad isnt back from mass yet when it's usually that 7am they are back from mass. i need to ask him about the video camera charger which i stupidly forgot about last night. i am hoping for the best that he knows where it is. worst case scenario is v forgot it and i forgot to ask about it since december. 

im aware of my thoughts not being on the ball and i realise a lot of things too late. unable to think ahead or at least unable to think ahead in the right way and the right time.

-

had to travel just then and so paused the writing. i am at the trainig venue now and waiting for colleagues. i sure hope the air conditioners work... 

i need to learn how to pull out useful and helpful thoughts, rather than the whole bunch that includes dwelling, contemplating, musing, and generally not going anywhere. 

workdump

so i'm getting a formal coaching program. im grateful for this. today v caught me - i was in the middle of explaining myself and a process that i would have to go through in order to get my own classes running. and then i trailed off because i started to think that ok i have to do that, i need to sort this, then starting to think should i have done that already? how caught up should i be with this already and what repercussions will it have if it turns out i havent done things?

she pointed a finger at me, half grinning: stop it! don't dwell. 

my eyes grew wide because her notice came at a time that i could also see it completely, and the matter was light enough for me to not be precious about the thought process that was disrupted. thats when i saw, in a big way, the cycle for what it really was. stupid and unneccessary. 

the work day was full and there was one point where i thought i would burst in impatience. that small moment was my laptop giving me rainbow wheel, i could sense most people relaxed, and i was asked a question for the 3rd time in 2 minutes even though i said to hang on. then the moment passed. and i gave the number being asked of me. and the rainbow wheel disappeared. and it was all ok.

what went wrong today was something to do with preparing for the training. i was going to address the director directly without first going through the managing director. when i consider those titles it is obvious and straightforward. but putting characters into play make it a different story for me - and it shouldnt be. i was also reacting to what the accountant had told me which was to ask the director. but she says that lightly and i shouldnt have taken it seriously. 

things were also a bit slow in the morning because of the uncertainty about ilc again. faced with an honest inquiry made the dependencies surface again. i was offering a concept but the plan behind it is still half-baked. and there are things going on in the campus that make this feel strained to happen. i spoke with the principal and after i explained this to her she sees the point and we agreed we will take things forward on monday.

one

it was a bit of a challenge to wake up but once i had made the decision to and did it, tiredness did not linger. a yawn escapes every now and then but my mind feels awake. i recently learned that draining your phone (at least for iPhones) battery and then charging it up full is not a good thing and doesn't allow the battery to recalibrate. this is unlike the advice for macbook charging. and right now maybe i can say the same for people. for me. i can't keep draining myself to empty and then expect a full charge after a few days of rest. whatever was depleted, it will be harder to retrieve or restore. this applies to my spirit and my body. because i've experienced lately great drainage in both. when the phone goes to 0%, it will take time till it turns on again while charging, depending on how long it has stayed at 0%. 

i just remembered a random scene from my dream it i was buying a drink from a bar in london. i was choosing between a bottle of rekorderlig and whatever slightly cheaper option there was, right now i can't even remember it, how strange. and at the bar they didn't have the pint bottles; instead, a weird large quantity that looked like a liter of coke in a glass bottle. she said it was £26. actually cheap for a london bar but i was there and only prepared to pay for a pint which was at the most £5. and for some reason... until now, i still remember the feeling of uncertainty. should i buy? should i not buy? isn't it a huge waste of money? i may really regret it in the future, £26 could buy me other things. it was a dream. and still there was this huge dilemma and round of indecision. and i guess that's why i still remember this part of the dream. i may have even been stressed about making the decision. 

why is that, why do i hesitate often in making a decision? why couldn't i see the value of deciding on either thing? (if i had bought a lot, i could have shared it and made people happy.) what kind of faculty in my brain is blocked or dead right now that it cannot see the good or make good out of a gut feeling, or out of intuition? today i will actively make deciions and not let anything linger in the lack of one. if i keep trying to run in two directions i will never move to anywhere.

catch

lost track of time.

my worst feelings are not the truth about a situation. this is what transpired in response to my last post. also, that i have managed to maintain two perspectives on my life and the things that happen in it that require my response. some kind of quasi-resilience that is a combination of i can and what if the situation really doesn't allow...

annoying

i will try to fit this into a situation: k clarified that she was not accusing me or anything of the sort. and my mind seems to say that yes, i can accept that. she is just stating facts. but my mind is also saying, what if accepting that is not the right thing to do? no wonder i freeze. i cancel myself out. i allow two opposing perspectives to just fester in my head. and they grow independently but never get anywhere because they never meet. or i don't allow them to meet. they never fight. so there isn't an opportunity for any one to win. so here is an attempt at the i can winning. she was not accusing me. i can't begin to imagine what kind of effort that would have taken. there is so much weight to everything and yet the conversation was there and it happened and it was a discussion but it wasn't a fight. it could have easily been but it wasn't and there is great grace in the fact that it wasn't. i want to catch that grace so i can give it back and not just let it pass and dissolve into the air for the lack of a vessel to sustain itself in. catching that grace means tomorrow i will do better. and i am setting my alarm again and turning it up loud and even changing the ringtone to a more lively one. catching grace means i will take care of it and not waste it and to take care of it tonight i will read and it might even grow a little. catching grace means tomorrow there will be anxiety but i will not respond to it and not act out of it. 

questions

while walking home a while ago i was reflecting on the day and tried to paint a clear picture of what i had done. i am afraid that it isn't enough. it did take a while to write up the activities for the program so far and there were surprisingly quite a few inquiries and i had to do a round of follow-ups and had some money reimbursed and... i don't even stop to eat lunch for an hour. i swear i didn't waste time.. but why does it feel like i did? i'm trying my best to not be slow. and i was aware of it the whole time. and suddenly it was 3pm. what if this is really something i cannot do? i thought i could. i also reflected upon the situation and i asked myself if the matter of this is that there is less love. is there less love from me which is why i am not meeting expectations? what has changed? is it higher stakes? have i become that lazy? i am doing everything i can. and i don't think i can live with myself if things don't work out. it's interesting that my mind is still racing with work-related things in this second post of the day. there is a new inquiry for II so i will have to take care of that. how is that going to go? what are the repercussions if it fails? what if it happens and it's not a good use of the space that we have and could have potentially used for something else? what if our psychologist never mentioned us coming up with a program in the first place?

is there less love? i don't believe that from me. i am still here. and i feel the same. is it possible for that love not to diminish despite the presence of fear? when will this love cast out all fear? i'm guessing i have to allow it. and believe that it can. even though there is so much stacked up against it. reputations, projects, careers, relationships... i need to find how this can happen, quickly, is it really just a decision? i seem to decide and then get shaken when things don't go as planned. please Lord.

morning

i am the only one in the office today. because i am just one i haven't turned on the air conditioning. it's been a little warmer the past few days and i can see the extra weight in the air from the clashing climates. i was a bit disappointed when i only woke up for an alarm at 6:30. what happened to the 5:30 one? in any case... i couldn't write earlier though i wanted to. sitting to write at 6:30 puts me in a state of mind that is just a bit anxious about being late. but perhaps that is precisely why i need to start writing within that hour. the moment i wake up on a work day i am already thinking about work and hoping that i don't screw up. the floaters in my right eye are very visible today, i wonder what that means.

had a very strange dream last night and though i can't remember it now and couldn't remember when i tried after waking up, i feel very uncomfortable about it.

most of the time in my own room i still feel like a stranger. i don't know what else i have to do to make it feel better. i do feel comfortable in my own bed, but my desk needs some improvement especially for the momentum i need to maintain for work. at this moment my mind is unable to focus on things, for being too aware of what i already need to be doing for work.

as i sit here by myself i think of the state of this life and how far it is from what i expected. i wish that things could be better. i wish p would reply to my messages and that it's not a case of he only messaged to thank me for giving him money. i wish that whatever blocks and walls are still standing in the way of the family moving forward together would just fall. i wish that words of life will arrive, or is something i can summon, or is something that can come from me. i wish that life will be reborn.

fam i ly

the weekend is at its end. i plan to sleep after writing this last post of the day, in attempt to really change my sleeping habits and wake up earlier in the morning. i know that one hour of work with fresh wakened mind is better than two hours of a brain at the end of a day. not theoretically know, either, but experientially know.

a short conversation with k reminded me of what i was thinking this afternoon: nobody questioned who you were in london because nobody knew where you came from. it was exactly that, that i was thinking of, just before the beginning of mass (a nice voice sings at the 4:30pm one). i remember thinking about times where i'd be travelling or by myself somewhere outside the house and if i were alone the whole day i would not have spoken at all. it was my solitude that became unhealthy. because i eventually lost the rhythm that kept me grounded. my rhythm was always dependent on other things. if i wasn't at home, it would either be school, or the people i let into my life at school, and my conversations with k. and the few people every now and then who kept in touch. when at home, the same, but with added family dynamics and also a rhythm with my sister. with so many things it's no wonder why in the silence, i would just be silent. without my own beat. 

m popped up in a message earlier today, which i was grateful for because he has been m.i.a. the past months. are you in denial about anything? he asked. and i found myself saying... maybe that i don't really know myself. k asked what made me feel like i did know myself. and at this point i don't even know how i could have. maybe i was always looking for a mirror. for as long as things around me, things in my world - relationships, goals, occupations, as long as these weren't exploding in my face, i wouldn't have thought i needed to check myself. again, the spurts, when things did explode, but ended up getting better. i always blamed my parents for being the way they are but failed to succeed in changing my reactions towards them. if i didn't see how i directly caused a problem, i wouldn't be able to see how i as an indepdent individual could cause impact towards a better situation.

for the nth time, you are not inconsequential. you have to see what you've set in motion and keep them going because death isn't an option. you have to see the investments of heart made to you and you need to work on their return. 

i need to remember who i was to truly recall how i started this family. and if i'm going to fix it, i will need to know who i am now. 

roots

discovered a new perspective of my grandparents today. it was over breakfast and my mom was talking about how unhealthy it was for them to live with each other and barely communicate. my dad talked about how there is too much pride between the both of them. and how my lolo has a hard time forgiving. but he has forgiven you, she told my dad. and he continued to explain that my lolo didn't feel taken care of by my lola. what he sees is that she just prays all the time. this is a sad discovery. it makes more sense now. it reminded me of how k told me to stop talking about God between us because it was becoming a blanket. i wonder what times my lola took a backseat. lolo has been through quite a few major operations and he has turned his life around and gotten rid of all vices to stay healthy and capable. i can see how he is frustrated with lola who just prays and has made no effort to change her diet, or live healthier so that she would not be in so much pain at this age. i try to imagine them as a younger, able-bodied couple and i asked my dad if lola was more active then. took on more responsibility. not really, he said. i can see how big a gap that is - lolo is proactive, a real doer.

how vulnerable are our dispositions to prayer. i do not want to make the same mistake or rather continue making the same mistake. as a young person i looked up to my lola for her talent and later on her devotion to the Lord. next to my lolo who tended to display more discontent or impatience, she was the kinder one. but i see this differently now and the tables have turned. and it makes sense now that i have felt some discomfort with her since i got back, i just couldnt explain it. it is different from before - and i cant even remember how i used to see her the last time we lived here. but hers is a rhythm i don't want to have. there is more affinity with my lolo now because he can keep up conversations and it feels like he communicates with me as a human being rather than a small apo.

making

i had a strange dream. twenty minutes of wakefulness is enough for me to forget most of it, but right now i can still remember one scene: i was trying to make my dad coffee from the coffee machine. this is a simple enough task that involves the pressing of buttons and placing a cup in the right place. but somehow it became a real arduous task because the machine wasn't doing things i expected it to. too much water came out in the rinsing process and overflowed from the cup, making a mess. when i finally did manage to have some coffee pouring out, it was also too much and it filled three cups. i grabbed the wrong container at some point - a glass. scooping out creamer yielded a spoonful of sugar instead. nothing went right.

perhaps this is my brain decentering or trying to make sense of things by placing the gist in a different narrative. i wasted a sugar. creamer. water. like i wasted time. effort. love. i had a mess of things to serve out, a couple of mugs and a glass, making all of them with the intention of choosing the one that turned out the best instead of making a decision to focus on one. and i didn't ask for help. i was focused on working towards making things look okay as i served it out to the table. no matter how messy or wasteful. in real life these resources aren't even mine. but i didn't take care of it. 

empty

it's raining. the air is cool. still feeling weak but i was able to eat more for dinner tonight which is a good sign, and i didn't feel as bad post-eating. i am hoping that one more night of sleep will do the trick. after my evening post i closed my laptop screen because i was starting to feel suffocated by it. i wonder if maybe i could set up the desktop computer in my room. my parents aren't using it because they prefer the laptop. but having two workspaces might just discombobulate my brain even more. i realise i still need to rename this space. no more bottle pendant. there is no need to keep things compartmentalized into such a small container. unboxing? maybe it's best to just keep away from all references to containers. but maybe a vessel. i wish to be a true vessel from now on. all the turbulence of the past months is because i haven't been empty. i have been too heavy with too many unnecessary things in tow. there wasn't space for vision of other things, other people. it is shameful. people depended on me and there i was, not sure why. or rather not letting the truth of why sink in and move me. so much damage. too much fear that isn't helping. needs to go. no one here is actually out to get me - except perhaps myself. and there is light here right now and if i don't move, it will pass and there may not be another chance to get out of the darkness.

rhythm

the day is dimming. my brain has recalibrated a bit after an hour nap. i stopped reading when words weren't going into my head anymore.

i have read about how art is useful in therapy because creative activities provide the opportunity for increasing congruence in the client's mind. l'engle said this too. cosmos out of chaos. i remember when that book was so alive for me. and in some ways it has stayed alive and in some ways it faded. i don't really know what caused this. when i was engrossed with art it was my guiding light. and then i continued with the creative education and those words took a backseat. perhaps it really was university that messed me up completely. i went in there wanting to continue ceramics and wanting to continue what i did during my first year - being able to journal, being reflective, having that time of co-creation with the first Creator. and then on the first day i sat down in the introductory talk and nick is clad in a scruffy t-shirt and had messy hair - typical designer - and was very intelligent talking about sustainability and the importance of design. and i remember feeling... is this the right course for me?? my portfolio showed nothing of the sort, i was purely coming from the fine art angle where i was allowed my identity of co-creation. i remember thinking of my previous tutor from my previous school and her poetic talk about vessels. i always wonder what she wrote in that recommendation letter that took care of my acceptance onto that course, and not disregarding the fact that she was good friends with the course leader.

nonetheless there i was in the room of dirty white walls clad in abandoned staples and blu-tack, and of corkboards with brass pushpins. i didn't really encounter nick much until the third year, where he slammed (in a politically correct way) my work for being too thoughtful and not moving. i remember our year tutor stefano and noticed he stuttered a bit and also looked like a typical designer but i discovered was much more warm to encounter. i remember going home that afternoon, to a strangely unfamiliar but familiar dorm room, and having a headache for some reason and throwing up all the salad i had for lunch. couldn't eat corn for a few months after that.

getting lost in the rotations of the first year of the course, i lost also my rhythm that i carefully transported from london to brighton. make a spoon. make another spoon. make a joint. make a chair. there was no space for me to consider how i might co-create. there was only handout after handout about techniques and terminology to learn. there was no more reflective journal - only a technical journal.

despite being in design i realise i haven't really picked up that quick, decisive, proactive, outward disposition that tutors encouraged. i only picked up the thorough, research-oriented, inward disposition and that, without balance of the outward disposition, is a deep hole to fall into.

i can see that how i failed myself - and my co-Creator - back at university is the way i could possibly fail again if i don't maintain this personal rhythm. spiritually, i had fallen off the radar, and was in denial about it. there might have been spurts of life dotted around but it was not sustaining, not at all. not for myself, and much less for a family that depended on me.

bread

ten nineteen. my mom has a fever and i'm in their room to watch over while my dad has gone out to get medicine. i'm feeling the same as yesterday and i shouldn't have forced down a second slice of buttered toast. i have a lot to finish today or at least i need all my brain power so i can't afford to feel this. hopefully i can get through the day and then just sleep early. i just really do not want to be such a big weight anymore. the day is quiet. ah, spoke to soon - the neighbour with a loud voice has just started talking and it's very audible from this room. i have always wondered what she looks like because i only ever hear her voice. i have an image in my head but it could be very different. i wonder what kind of images my words formed for those who kept in touch with me the past years. k. v. mainly. these people who are unrested because of the great disparity in the reality of me and the expectation. i suppose i perceived the same, and was knocked off my feet soon enough. stomach is churning again. making a note to not eat more than a slice of bread's worth of food in one sitting today. lola was trying to get me to eat egg and the thought was enough to make me want to throw up again. i tried to imagine what i could enjoy eating. out of the blue this is the thought that arrived: general's chicken from recipes. with gising gising. it feels like God is really showing me what he has placed on this earth for me. he is showing me how much i've cut it down. the consequences of my actions. and that now, at present, in the great unrest and imbalance of all things, he is showing how much he wants it restored. our lives are literally hanging by a thread for this.

reality

haven't written in my gratitude journal in a while. i guess it's difficult to be grateful for anything when there is such a huge gap that needs to be bridged. i am in bed now typing on the phone from my wireles keyboard. i find i have a bit more energy lying down so here i am. hard eucharisteo. there must be much to be grateful for in a trying time. i am grateful that this isn't the end of things. i am grateful for family. i am grateful for great pain and disappointment because it means that there has been great love. time and time again i have been catching up, catching up. now has got to be the last time. there must only be sharing time, no buying time no taking time. i am grateful for these words and that there are words and that they somehow form a small tiny bridge that i hope will become stronger. i'm supposed to be a maker. i should make a bridge. i should be aware of what materials i need, that they be strong and reliable and weatherproof. that joining techniques are solid and unmovable like dovetail joints. words must be strong and reliable and weatherproof, and actions solid and unmovable. the bridge becomes a promise. a living promise that grows every day. i am feeling a bit nauseated again perhaps i shouldn't have taken that chance on milk. but my weakened nails have been bothering me and it's on my dominant hand so it's a noticeable change in strength and so i drank some milk. it didn't taste good at all. i hope i do not throw up again. L said it sounds like food poisoning. maybe it was the pancit that i had that day and maybe God is laughing at me for bringing baon when i could have had food ordered like everyone else. i didn't have much of an appetite and felt the expense was unnecessary for an unaccepting stomach. 

just realised i haven't gone to a new paragraph. i am tempted to go back on that last chunk but hey let's try not being bloody perfect for once because it is an illusion anyway. you will never be perfect. talk about messed up priorities. come look at what is real. and be here. no matter how imperfect it seems. because if you look deep enough at what is real perfection is always to be found and it looks like a cross.

place

just got home and suddenly feeling tremendous itch in my feet. the whole day i didnt feel these mosquito bites but now i am. it is reminding me a bit about my december illness and i am reminded that i should take care of myself. because i cant be a decent human being to others if i dont. my physical periphery the past years had given me space to feel like as long as there was a decent front i was fine. but now i am around people who i am closely bound to and the muck of my spirit is called out to be cleaned out.

it is friday and the long week has ended. i still have things to catch up on and this needs to be done by monday or else i might as well pack up and leave. it doesnt make sense how much i lag when i am really really keen on the things i am doing. i guess there is a lot of emotional sifting.

i pay attention to what i am physically feeling right now and compare it to last night where especially after dinner i just conked out. i am grateful for not feeling that right now. i still feel a bit nauseated and earlier today i sensed that i grew weaker after eating, but it wasn't as bad as last night. and hopefully i will not throw up tonight. this makes me realise that i have been spiritually weak for so long. i no longer remember being healthy spiritually - only in spurts. i remember once, writing a prayer in the corner of my bedroom in a fresh new tenancy in london. things felt so unfamiliar but those words were home. i remember this. i remember strength. i need to remember this more because it is what will get me out of this. i need to remember what it was like to be friends with k and what it was like to not be afraid of failure. only then can i finally get out of this and be a real person to people again. because if i have been in shock the past few months, what more these people. obviously no one is exactly the same person as they were six years ago. but everything about me feels tentative. waiting for some kind of confirmation to Be. how stupid. and annoying. and time-wasting. this is not a new place. there is no reason to be a stranger and to be unsure. 

grow

it's the morning and i'm still feeling lightheaded and strangely weak from whatever symptoms are still lingering in my body. however there is a kind of peace in arriving in this workspace today so i am grateful for that. i am thinking of all the things that need to be accomplished today and i'm just praying and setting my mind to not making any mistakes. despite the peaceful atmosphere in this office i look into myself and still feel unrested. most of my life is in disarray and it's ironic to have this peaceful environment around me. now that i pay more attention to it it feels like it's mocking me. but perhaps i should just get rid of that feeling. the atmosphere is just an atmosphere. i am small but i am solid. there is meaning in this presence and it's up to me to make it matter. i have gatorade with me and it's funny how gatorade always reminds me of being sick. i am thinking of my presence here today and how it will impact others. i wish to be able to help. especially k.  i am feeling keen to work on the program because it has to do with coming up with and writing up creative activities. i am aware of how much is expected of me and how much i need to catch up.  this smallness really needs to stretch and grow. or realise it is already grown.

-------------------

i didn't finish writing this morning because i got carried by the work wave that came in. i think what i need to do from now is first go into the music room and then write before walking in to this office. or maybe just hit publish even though it doesn't look like much. because now it just looks like i didn't write at all. why did i have to hold back?  so much for not making mistakes. how easily this took a backseat when questions started to pile up and i needed to really start doing work. i'm squeezing too much into a few hours at the expense of other going unaccounted. what about 7 to 8 am? i had breakfast and got ready. i fixed up two agreements and sent them out. earlier than that i read the word and listened to a short podcast. my brain seems to need too much recalibrating time and i can't afford it. this writing stint has improved slightly although its pulse is still irregular within the day. grow, now. i don't want to make more mistakes that cause more friction and disappointment and tiredness and stretching from other people, anyone other than me.

today is teacher's day / tomorrow is valentine's day and there is a pack of 4 different types of swiss miss on my desk. from one of the students in the preschool, from whom i received a christmas gift also. it was strange at christmas time because i didn't know him yet. but now that i have done classes i appreciate the gesture more.

i've been made aware of doing things redundantly; i have to keep track of this. the plant i am trying to grow in the office has not grown. i think i don't water it enough at all. today has been feeling weird and for the first time i feel disillusioned and maybe this is good because when i am disillusioned i move faster. when i am not i am always in some kind of wonder or more aptly to right now stupor and it is like me walking around a new city with my head tilted upwards. there is no time for that. i just want to get things done.

un do

i wish i knew what these symptoms are saying. i cant decide whether to go and get checked at the doctors or power through a day at work. perhaps the former will help my productivity in the long run or even see me through next week. but the latter will address a much more immediate need.

all needs are piling up and i dont know where to start. where do i begin to correct my failures everything seems to need to happen now. yesterday. i can only try to imagine what k has been going through because a feeble attempt to answer to the same challenges and difficulties with people already has me in pieces like this right now. tomorrow perhaps i can get checked and still have half a day to work and be at meeting before that. if this is possible or practical or a decent idea at all. 

i guess right now almost nothing is practical or decent unless i suddrnly solve all problems . and God knows thats not going to happen not until something else does and that is that i sit through this and be completely powerless so that i can listen for what really needs to happen next . when i am no longer trying to do anything is when i will begin accomplishing something. 

transit

being a CH right now maybe tells me that i get caught up in structure, facts, order when i am in unfavourable situations. when i am allowing my circumstances to compromise my natural strengths and inclinations. the biggest circumstance is this transition.

the last time this happened i just wrote my way through it. and i stopped when i started going to church. i'm not sure yet what this says about me. do i only write in misery? that can't be the right deduction because right now is the most miserable time and i still have a hard time to write.

it has become difficult to write because of the eyes that i know are on me. each word i am imagining is being read by someone else, and all the judgements come rushing to the surface of my mind. i don't think it is true that i do not know how to reflect and process myself. but maybe it's just being locked up in my mind. and it comes out in trickles. if people ask questions. which is silly. why do i wait? why can't i tell myself about it? is it possible that one part of the brain lags behind another part? i thought i was to focus on writing about my transition less because it just iterated my weakness. which K has said she doesn't want to see. but there must be a way to communicate it that isn't in a weakness paradigm.

i left and preserved so carefully my perception of home. in a way perhaps it was also a way to preserve myself. i remember my first days in school in london and i remember feeling so out of place. wanting much to return. but back then were also the plans of home being built there. i was to prepare it. i revelled in being given this task.

when it became apparent that this was no longer happening i was at a loss for purpose of my stay there. i knew i was to return - and this would be the first and last time i truly felt like i was living in transit.

the previous time in singapore i was not old enough to understand the complexity of this. and i guess there was not much need for it.

this time was different because there was something that had truly changed my life and that i needed to carry with me somehow. it was a time where my decisions had more weight and would affect my future. i was trying to peel off layers, build good ones. i was wrong in what i carried about my home. if i had carried the right thing that was mine, i would have been able to preserve in the right way. but i didn't carry what was mine. i didn't carry God and his words, his plans, his love, for me. i chose to carry someone else's. carried someone else's identity. God's words for her, his plans for her, his love for her. i feel like a person being erased from a photo by time, like in back to the future.

and even when prompted to do otherwise, i was twisting it around to be the same wrong thing. maybe it's because i don't know how to look at my life. did i even know what my life really looked like? beyond the details, the small things, that i was transfixed on?

i am always taken aback somewhat when i see myself in a photo. it feels like: is that how i look? is that how much space i occupy? 

it is difficult to see myself by myself when there is knowledge of me being seen through intense hatred. disappointment. and my first instinct is to want to fix that. but what do i fix it with? someone else's tools, again? where are my own?

this transition is difficult because a lot of things are happening at once. maybe i would have needed more time to myself when i arrived. i thought i could just jump in. but my failures tell me that the reality is otherwise. i couldn't. when this circumstance happens there is a period where i need to absorb and adjust and gather my bearings. i thought i didn't need to do that here because, well. i have been here before. i know it. at least i thought i did.

what i knew of this place was six years past its expiry date. the number 6 will always have a bitter taste for me now.

i wish i was faster so that i don't have to further disturb someone else's  life.


will be writing more; this is not the end...

pendant

i don't know what i ate today or what my mind is processing that is manifesting psychosomatic, but right now it feels like i am a cough away from throwing up.

i just noticed the url of this page. the bottle pendant. its sentiment is the very thing i condemn in my last post. making things small so i can carry them around. it is time to change that. i need to. it will mark something in how everything is changing, right now.


-----

i couldn't finish writing last night because it really felt like i was about to pass out. i collapsed on the bed and could no longer move, except to react to my churning stomach. i always have so much hope for the near future - and was absolutely sure that if i just slept then i could wake up at 5 in the morning and carry on with writing. then i woke up past midnight and threw up. it is a strange, painful, and at the same time cathartic sensation, to throw up. because it hurts like a bitch. and then you feel, almost immediately, the relief of emptiness. my head was pounding too, which hadn't happened when i fell asleep. it disappeared for a while after the first round. but it came back. and an hour later i was over the toilet bowl again.

how many more times am i going to have to throw up my life to finally feel a sense of relief that will be sustained? before i am empty and have space to fill up with what is good and what is the truth? i need it now. i would like to be empty now. but before that happens there is that tremendous weight and movement in an excavation. i am finding it difficult to focus on this this morning. there is a lot running through my head. i am losing it, slightly, the rhythm of this thirty minutes (well past) being a stream of consciousness. the reactions to what i have written recently is making me not write a stream of consciousness. and i guess that completely defeats its purpose, to react to that. it also doesn't help my stomach is still upset and is breaking up the rhythm.

today is the first time i haven't gone to work. i could see the repercussions. but i could also see myself just not being able to do anything at all on my desk if i were to drag myself over there at 8 in the morning. i knew it would be more effective to take a couple of hours more rest to be able to work the rest of the day. but i knew this was bad. i was angry with this limitation. i was afraid of its repercussions. but at the same time i knew i had to go through it. i had a few bites of bread, a sip of gatorade and took meds and went back to sleep. i woke up again to a very strange thing. V's voice saying my name. it had a 'snap out of it' tone. a 'wake up' tone. and my head was no longer pounding. i was grateful for this and got ready to write.

an hour later and i am still here. half conversing with myself in my head and half conversing with the people who look out for me. i don't know why i am struggling to do this. well i mentioned it earlier - i'm blocking my own stream of consciousness. filtering again. no. let this be the last time i am afraid. this journey is not going to be perfect, nowhere near perfect, but i'm going to focus on the Love that is. it's the only way to not be afraid.

being afraid made me shy away, made me belittle a contribution i could have made. in my own life, in others' lives. going through the training the past two days have reminded me, again, in a different way, how much i have failed the past years. how i didn't ask the right questions. how i didn't seize opportunities. how i spent too much time being unsure that made people have to seek help elsewhere. the roleplay reminded me how much i get engrossed in thinking of what's right in my head, not allowing my whole being to just respond the right way. i dwelled on much and didn't try enough. i cut down my capability not be seen as completely anti-social in social settings. my rhythm changed and i would time and again find myself, at the end of the day, spent and wishing i had more hours for what i should have been doing all day. spending time on the things that mattered. taking time even if it meant i would be different. because i know all these things. i know what i want, what i need. i knew where i was headed. and yet i chose to keep it in a bottle pendant. chained around my neck with sentiment. i could feel it there. over my heart. but i stopped looking at it the same way people don't really look down at their necklaces if they're wearing one.

break

the repercussions of the last post have made me realise that writing is not my process of decentering. or at least is not when it is needed as first aid. and the protocol now is to by default write as first response rather than a decentering process.

last night i was blind. it felt like hitting a wall over and over and over. or a glass wall, which is deceiving. how is it that i cannot see anything? or - how is it that i can see but cannot, if it were a matter of life and death, respond in the correct way?

i woke up today feeling like i hadn't slept and but remembering a strange dream about one of the programs being developed at work. i recalled the conversation from the previous night and was filled with sadness. and then i read the messages in my phone and it was like the sadness just went over the edge, dropped, broke into pieces, and revealed a tiny seed of some kind of opposite feeling.

i am tired of this. and i hate it. and it doesn't make sense that things are like this. and last night the only light i felt was when i realised what should happen. i had a vision of rebuilding that never occurred before because i was too busy burying myself alive. i have been burying myself alive for the most part of six years. decapitating myself and grossly limiting my reach. i refused to think i was bigger than my small vision of myself. how rude. the worst of me stealing myself away from people i loved. false humility at its finest, the ugliest form of pride. it can be so covert. it can be so subtle and for the most part there are quick fixes to hide it. and yet it's still there. and you won't know it's persisted until - i didn't know it persisted until it finally ate away all of me and broke through the surface, finishing off the shell. and i allowed this. the way i wrote about quasi-important things in the last post, i convinced myself that either everything else was more important, or that there was no way i could measure up. i took a piece of home and preserved it best i could to fool myself that i was still part of the whole home. i wasn't. and i ignored the feelings of things not being enough. because i'm so used to cutting everything down to fit in a box. or to be mobile. this home was big because it carried big hearts. and big dreams. and the greatest love. and i had the audacity to cut it down, for my convenience. selfishly thinking that my actions were inconsequential, in complete dishonour of the one who created me and the ones who see me in his light. or see me period. this will never be forgotten but the only way to stay alive with this memory and this pain is to be and to do everything i can to grow in the opposite direction.

this home cannot be lost and i am promising to take all the right steps to be in it again.

give

it's been a long day of listening and processing, and some people had been saying it was information overload and i can imagine that yes it actually is. but i realised i wasn't really feeling like that because the past months there have been that much more processing and information which made today a fairly light day.

it was interesting to learn specific steps of active listening. i realised that i learned this organically, likely from people who have practised it on me. but learning about it in detail today showed me where i always jump to: problem-solving. and this has done me no good at all the past years.

we did an art activity before lunch break and i noticed how much i appreciated the process of painting. i haven't done it in a very very long time. perhaps painting is one of the few processes where i am able to practise 'seeing the big picture,' because i am inclined to the blocking technique. it requires me to move and act according to the big picture, rather than move and act according to the slightest detail. this has given me an idea for an activity for the rb program.

focusing on the help experience made me see my circumstances in new perspective. it helped me see the big picture, rather than the details that paralyze me. it's reminded me what it's like to see and accept love in all forms. i am extremely sad but at the same time extremely determined to turn this around. because there has been enough uncertainty, and i've been in it more than enough to have enough certainty about what is beyond it.

since my current profile is conserving-holding and is hooked on structure and fact and thoroughness, i might as well milk it. and hopefully, so much so that it infects my secondary profile - my old profile - the one i want to go back to: supporting-giving.

integration. making things make sense again after the explosion. after the damage. buckling down on picking up this exploded assumptive world and creating a new one with the same pieces, and new glue.

as well as my writing times every day i need to give as often. the thing i have done the least of, the thing i have planted most fear in.

and everything's scheduled and/or listed. every day. so this injects who i aim to be into who i currently am at the moment. this is a bottleneck that is overdue for blasting apart. and my situation right now is most challenging for that very reason: because it is perfect blasting ground.

much is asked of those who can give much. the seam is tearing. there is no more space fear that makes a flow backfire.

life

words before the day picks up.

it was an uneasy sleep, coughing often. it's at that point where it is really itchy and there's nothing to do except open your mouth and cough as effectively as possible, sometimes to the point of having to stick your tongue out.

woke up tired. i sat up wrapped like suman in a thin blanket. i tried to imagine being grateful, or happy, or any kind of positive feeling. i prayed for Jesus to walk with me today. to help me interact especially with K. to help me see what i can do. i prayed for grace to just cover everything. i prayed for love to break out of me and make my actions.

because i know it's there. why is it so difficult to align? in the face of failure why does love get buried?

today's first reading has the word abundance in it. talking about life, and the birds that fly. life everywhere, happening, multiplying. everyone knows the genesis story. but i don't know it the way it has introduced itself to me right now. i've always been moved by the creation of man. God's breath in our lungs. but this morning God tells me about animals. about birds in flight, and life everywhere. and it stirs my weary soul that has become so accustomed to trudging through death.

i look out the window and see vivid green, full of life. my favourite colour before the current blue, was green. i also was fuller with life, then. i could see things. i could see life. even when it was most difficult.

i would say maybe i still see life now but i have been hesitant. i have been careful. calculating.

look at God. he just made all kinds of stuff and threw them into the world. in his perfect plan everything is perfectly placed - yes - but this morning i read these words and it looks like his stream of consciousness. it's stream of consciousness writing on a grand, grand scale. it thought up everything from life that flew to life that crawled.

and then life that was like him. like him. what am i doing, trudging through death when i could be like him?