pendant

i don't know what i ate today or what my mind is processing that is manifesting psychosomatic, but right now it feels like i am a cough away from throwing up.

i just noticed the url of this page. the bottle pendant. its sentiment is the very thing i condemn in my last post. making things small so i can carry them around. it is time to change that. i need to. it will mark something in how everything is changing, right now.


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i couldn't finish writing last night because it really felt like i was about to pass out. i collapsed on the bed and could no longer move, except to react to my churning stomach. i always have so much hope for the near future - and was absolutely sure that if i just slept then i could wake up at 5 in the morning and carry on with writing. then i woke up past midnight and threw up. it is a strange, painful, and at the same time cathartic sensation, to throw up. because it hurts like a bitch. and then you feel, almost immediately, the relief of emptiness. my head was pounding too, which hadn't happened when i fell asleep. it disappeared for a while after the first round. but it came back. and an hour later i was over the toilet bowl again.

how many more times am i going to have to throw up my life to finally feel a sense of relief that will be sustained? before i am empty and have space to fill up with what is good and what is the truth? i need it now. i would like to be empty now. but before that happens there is that tremendous weight and movement in an excavation. i am finding it difficult to focus on this this morning. there is a lot running through my head. i am losing it, slightly, the rhythm of this thirty minutes (well past) being a stream of consciousness. the reactions to what i have written recently is making me not write a stream of consciousness. and i guess that completely defeats its purpose, to react to that. it also doesn't help my stomach is still upset and is breaking up the rhythm.

today is the first time i haven't gone to work. i could see the repercussions. but i could also see myself just not being able to do anything at all on my desk if i were to drag myself over there at 8 in the morning. i knew it would be more effective to take a couple of hours more rest to be able to work the rest of the day. but i knew this was bad. i was angry with this limitation. i was afraid of its repercussions. but at the same time i knew i had to go through it. i had a few bites of bread, a sip of gatorade and took meds and went back to sleep. i woke up again to a very strange thing. V's voice saying my name. it had a 'snap out of it' tone. a 'wake up' tone. and my head was no longer pounding. i was grateful for this and got ready to write.

an hour later and i am still here. half conversing with myself in my head and half conversing with the people who look out for me. i don't know why i am struggling to do this. well i mentioned it earlier - i'm blocking my own stream of consciousness. filtering again. no. let this be the last time i am afraid. this journey is not going to be perfect, nowhere near perfect, but i'm going to focus on the Love that is. it's the only way to not be afraid.

being afraid made me shy away, made me belittle a contribution i could have made. in my own life, in others' lives. going through the training the past two days have reminded me, again, in a different way, how much i have failed the past years. how i didn't ask the right questions. how i didn't seize opportunities. how i spent too much time being unsure that made people have to seek help elsewhere. the roleplay reminded me how much i get engrossed in thinking of what's right in my head, not allowing my whole being to just respond the right way. i dwelled on much and didn't try enough. i cut down my capability not be seen as completely anti-social in social settings. my rhythm changed and i would time and again find myself, at the end of the day, spent and wishing i had more hours for what i should have been doing all day. spending time on the things that mattered. taking time even if it meant i would be different. because i know all these things. i know what i want, what i need. i knew where i was headed. and yet i chose to keep it in a bottle pendant. chained around my neck with sentiment. i could feel it there. over my heart. but i stopped looking at it the same way people don't really look down at their necklaces if they're wearing one.