flump

panicking slightly because it looks like imovie has gotten rid of about half the footage i had been collecting over the past two weeks. immediately i thought of the repercussions of this. i even imagined getting fired. maybe this is really exaggeration. well that shouldnt be a maybe. it definitely is. worst case scenario and that footage is gone means there is still a valuable repository of procedures and insight in the form of a facilitator's guide.

idealism is the serpent in my head that tells me i am not much more than a failure, a talker but not a walker.

training is done and outlining march at tonight's meeting makes me keen and excited again. it has been a while since i felt excitement as a more dominant emotion than anxiety or a disposition than stress.

an hour has passed since that last paragraph. i got sidetracked by a conversation and then tying loose ends in my mind. tomorrow, i will buy a watch. 

today has been fairly steady and it was the last training day. the morning had hiccups and i particularly struggled with not being so annoyed with parents - i felt bad for this when i remembered that they were going to the hospital and not just going out for whatever - and there was an angry client around lunch time. 

one of the things i noticed about my disposition most of the time is that i can do everything. but ironically there is a fear in me that i cannot. i cancel myself out, as k said. it's like hopeful but in denial. like proud but meek (not in the good way as is described in the bible). too unrealistic. sometimes it feels like i think my best but cannot do my best. doing and thinkig should be in tandem rather than competition.

i am too tired to try and keep this going and i think i have dragged it out long enough. tomorrow i will do better.