empty

k sent a song tonight and i finally got to listen to it properly. as much as i was moved by the song, there was something else that really reached me about this offering. there was a comment under the video of someone's testimony. how he went to a church and requested prayer for two things, and when the pastor went to pray for him, he addressed the very root cause of the man's need for prayer, rather than just what was asked.

i was shaken. the commenter ended saying that those two people didn't know him. but they knew what he needed because God knew him. 

it's so simple. and so logical that it should even appeal to my frustrating CH brain right now.

God knows me. 

 the question i have been asking myself today is what k asked me yesterday: why can't i see my value? and i asked what i did that made me not see it.  and in a way this discovery of a man's testimony of believing, on youtube, was some kind of answer. God is showing me again. when k asked how what she had done had failed to make me see my value, i wasn't just asnwering to her but to God. 

when v asked me this afternoon how i was and i failed to properly engage and communicate because of some pathetic discomfort in talking about myself, i also failed to communicate and respond to God. 

i have felt that the response to the people that i love is only appropriate if it positively affects them. or if i am able to contribute something to their situation. it is always something that is a byproduct of myself. never have i considered that being here and being me was a 'product' enough. i have felt that there is nothing there, that i am empty.

my emptiness is something that has plagued me because i have not tried to lay it down at the Father's feet. the only way to fill this emptiness is for Him to do it. and for me to allow Him to do it. and expectantly wait for Him to do it. to literally stand on the edge of my emptiness, peering over into the hollow, eager to hear the first full drop that will begin filling.