battle

yesterday 

i use the word quiet often for the beginning of the day but today is particularly in need of that word. the school year officially ended last week so there are no children to fill the air with screaming and laughing and crying. a lot of the staff are also having their last day here tomorrow. apparently it has been a long, long goodbye. i'm not sure how tomorrow's lunch will go. i hope it is joyful. 

-

today

yesterday was a day drawn out in agony topped with a futile quest for research for a paper. 

a lot of things were unavailable yesterday. scarce. information. valuable data. patience. humility. money. kind words. 

ironically, i had a lot of food. v too, i remember her words when i asked if she would still be able to eat her ordered food after her packed lunch and pandesal: yeah, let me be. i had a difficult morning. i can eat. maybe God was telling me about fasting yesterday.

last night i picked up L'Engle's Irrational Season to bring for v the following day. i felt like we were two little kids sitting at the porch waiting for their friend to come out. there isn't any other option: they are always a trio. the adventure wouldn't work with just two thirds. 

i opened the book to look up the part about Lent. first i looked at the content page. and then the next chunk i turned over opened up to the exact page i needed. l'engle talks about the beatitudes here. and the first one: blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

she talked about how poverty of spirit will bring joy: the Kingdom. because poverty of spirit is to be unselfconscious. is this what we are to do, Lord? receive the grace to get out of our own way ? that sentence strikes me right now because it means two things: that i could be blocking myself; and that i could be getting onto a different way, a better way.

but i do not wish to be disgustingly optimistic. i was told that by a close friend when i was about 15 and it made me re-evaluate my entire world view. i valued her opinion a lot.  and yet growing up i have found that i always see hope. sometimes i wish i didn't, so that i could be real about reality instead.

and yet here it is. i am encouraged by the encounter of l'engle's words last night. i am encouraged by all the small good things that in reality are barely anything next to the immense darkness of the struggle of this journey, next to the raging and throbbing hurt spirit of j. i am encouraged by the spirits i do see fighting in this Family, and in k's friend c. (c is now designated to him and my own friend c is now z.) God is here. he can't be anywhere else because this is definitely a battlefield.

in the office early and had breakfast here. i'm grateful that despite everything that's happened, this office has become very familiar and comfortable for me. v and i regularly nest in this office. we are always the ones buying food for the pantry, thinking of what appliance could serve the office best, and thinking of how it will be when we move downstairs. 

i can't imagine working any way other than being emotionally invested like this. i think i would have a hard time dragging myself to work.

it's the graduation of the kinder class and im wondering how it will go. it was a great challenge for them to get through rehearsals. maybe though they will feel the seriousness of the event and they will behave.

today is the last day of the school year. a lot of faces will be gone next year. not sure what it means for us and for our own little company that is both independent from and part of the school.

------

didnt get to post that earlier. it is a while before midnight right now and i am pretty exhausted. i dont know exactly from what. because work today was relatively light and nothing really stressed me out. maybe it is being spent from the week. hopefully what i cannot explain is God-explicable, like i am helping to carry the load of the issues and the story i am witnessing unfold. 

tomorrow is the first saturday in a while where i can wake up slowly and calmly in my own time and i am looking forward to it.

living

i took the time this morning to not be quick. i took some time to read the book about st therese of lisieux. and took some time to read devotionals, which i have been bad at keeping up with lately. i didn't rush. and when dad wasn't done with some things he was doing and had an upset stomach so had to go to the toilet again, i didn't feel disturbed. i took a bit more time to read.

i read slow nowadays. in my early teens i was an extremely avid reader. i don't know what happened really. but now that i'm older i have to re-read a lot so that i pay attention to what i'm reading.

i often wonder how different i and my life would be like if i had pursued what i originally planned to do in england - creative writing. or english literature. usually though i come to the conclusion that i would be even further lost in my own head, only a ghost in this world that one would get to see through the filter of black pixels on a screen.

today i am grateful for the leap into real life that i took years ago. i am still fumbling and i trip over myself often. but i am here and alive and i can feel the Lord change me little by little. not because He's holding out on me but because He is being patient with me. oftentimes i think i am the one being patient with Him - how twisted that is.

today i just want to try and live every single moment. every interaction and every word. without holding back and not controlled by fear. no second-guessing and overanalysing. just living. it could be simple.

grow

if it turns out that i actually do get my period tomorrow it’s going to be the biggest joke / punchline ever.

i feel like today was a significant day that should be processed in writing but i also feel like i process too much. or dwell too much. maybe i can try to be concise

i am overwhelmed by love. and by the grace of the Father that is just completely washing over this Family.

i feel like st therese of lisieux. "i was so oversensitive i was unbearable."

i am encouraged by her journey.

i don't feel like i am naturally soft. in fact i am probably a pretty damn tough cookie in all other aspects of my life and with all other people. but i have become soft in this Family. particularly with k. it feels like there is a lot at stake for me, like i am just on the edge, or just have one foot in the door. and i feel like i could get kicked out at any moment. this is silly. i haven't forgiven myself, i am slow; everyone else has.

there is a big thing about my nature that needs to change and this Family is where there are people accountable for me that will make sure that shit gets the hell out.

-

emceed the school's recognition day for the preschoolers finishing the year. they call it 'moving up day'. the theme revolved around grow.

my heart was full when one of the kids attacked me from behind. he is a pretty big kid and has a lot of energy so i would have been knocked over if my knee joints didn't kick in to keep from buckling. he was one of the first kids i was able to connect with when i started work at the school. and miraculously he's always remembered me. it's pretty perfect that he was the only kid i got to get a photo with this day.

from the morning

 i come into the morning quiet and expectant of not much besides the Holy Spirit ahead of me paving the way. there is a degree of clarity in my head that isn't usual and at the moment i'm okay.

london grammar is playing while i write this. it embodies the time i spent in the throwing room last year, the last stretch of my education. i will be getting reacquainted tonight. i even have the apron.

going over the thoughts of last night and i feel more at rest. perhaps it was just something that needed sleeping on. i read about st therese and her smallness and how it made the grace of God ever bigger. and that's really all there is to it. i am this small. i am this weak. i have failed this much. i am going to fail this much yet. and everything could about me could be an absolute mess.

but God is bigger.

it could be that simple. it could be as simple as: trusting completely that God is bigger. that He will not disappoint. that He loves us.

For far too long we have been seduced into walking a path that did not lead us to ourselves. For far too long we have said yes when we wanted to say no. And for far too long we have said no when we desperately wanted to say yes. When we don’t listen to our intuition, we abandon our souls. And we abandon our souls because we are afraid if we don’t, others will abandon us.

Terry Tempest Williams

clay

i have been restless tonight. 

the unfolding story of k and her friend is causing unrest in me. there is fear, and anger, and a big passion all fighting about my discretion of the situation. i paused a while earlier in the night to pray. my heart breaks for all this. i wish to understand where and how God's hand is working in all of this. and i battle with intellect, idealism, and a twisted sense of creativity thst  can produce a lot of possibilities and rationalise and justify them. nothing works here Lord. but i know He can make it all work.

and then i tried to go on into the night allowing headspace for my pottery workshops coming up in mid-april. but it was in vain.

i did make one decision. to start making for myself. for an hour either before or after work. and i had to accept the fact that that's all i could do this evening. arrive at that decision. at first i wrestled with it because i had watched a video of my friends' design workshops that were happening in a few schools around england and they looked great and i was thinking what am i doing?? and it was a mixture of being inspired and feeling incredibly incompetent.

it's just a video. anything can look good on video. and not that it isn't good. just that i shouldn't allow it to be exaggerated in my brain. we are all doing the same sort of thing. 

so, yes, i made one decision. and tonight i ask God to be with me in the happening of that decision. be the Potter that found me when i was almost completely disillusioned and existentialist... and reworked me into something good.

there is a lot that need to be reworked, Lord. and i know that you are always doing that. i pray for certainty in you when all else is just too uncertain. i pray to see what is important, what your plan is, even a little bit. i pray for the grace of vision that will keep us going and praising you. 

words

i have minimised everything on my screen to leave only music and this blank white box to write in. i always leave things open on my laptop to return to them at a later time… it’s as if i never finish a thought, or don’t trust myself to remember what i have to return to at a later time.

i also did a shoulder stand for two minutes in my room after i changed out of my work clothes. i was seeking relief for the end of the day. but i realised that doesn’t do it because i sit down most of the time. so it’s either the downward dog, or maybe i will also try the backward bend (i think that is what it’s called). to stretch my back and relieve the hip area.

the day was quick. full of words.  it was nice to start it with a beloved soul song, oceans. briefly i was reminded of being on the shore of brighton beach and looking out at the blue horizon. i had thought about all the work to be completed for the institution, the presence of which i could feel behind me (the school was a 4-minute walk from the beach). and i thought about crossing the waters, all the way down south around europe and into the pacific. how the water connected me to home. how it was just one body. i paid attention to the now and felt the small voice of the ukelele that k played. felt the presence of all the people in the room, both new and old to me. this is my life right now. nearly a year ago the song entered my ears and it was a completely different context.

life

8:37am

the heart of Christian life is to receive and welcome God's tenderness and goodness, the revelation of his merciful love, and tonlet oneself he transformed interiorly by that love.

i want to live by this.

st therese says that if God put a desire in you then it must be realisable. it cannot be an illustion because God is just in all his ways.

i realise this morning that i do not ask for myself. i don't think i know what this deepest desire thst has been planted, is. at the moment i just want to discover God in the most real way. to feel Him on this earth. perhaps it is then that i will discover the deepest desire.

pondering upon it more this moment - maybe it is home. and love. 

pilgrim chronicle, etc

church of mount carmel

through many emotions the anointing of the Holy Spirit remains present and remains the same.

when we don't know how to pray, the Holy Spirit prays for us.

the anointing of the Holy Spirit is one of joy. joy as an anointing comes into the world and flows through us broken vessels - and it comes powerful and incredible and sometimes we feel the peace, but sometimes it is a great sifting, rocking, washing... because of peace, for peace; because of joy, for joy.


i didn't catch the name of this familiar church

on the way to this church nichole nordeman's every season played in the car and it got to the part that sung about spring and something just overwhelmed me. first i guess the song is already very beautiful. next, this day was the new year - new spring, for the kurdish culture, and berivan had messaged me to greet. newroz pîroz be! she used the emoticon of a two-leaved fresh sprout of a plant. and she quoted rumi: keep searching, keep awakening and know that: what you seek is seeking you. and then, i looked left and got 2 seconds of a clear view of taal lake. i have always felt that taal volcano looked tired. spent. yet a whole culture, history, thrives around it. nordeman speaking of spring mirrored what was that very moment, what is this very moment: a new beginning. it is like running through a forest of thorns and cobwebs and strange crawling things and getting hurt but you don't care because you just want to get past it already - and then in a milisecond you are out of the thicket. i teared up in silence in the back of the car.

spring. new life, new meaning. because of unchanging Love. this church is one that we had visited once with p. i took a photo of the pole of peace that he stood by for a photo. six years ago. then we saw that monkey across the road.

the song made me tear up and entering the grounds of this church and being struck by familiarity - there was no warning, i had no inkling we would end up there - would have made me uncontrollably sob had God not reached me first just minutes prior.


little souls

feeling emotionally spent though i am aware that i have been quite quiet on this day pilgrimage so far.

it is nice here with comfy chairs and a cool breeze. i'm the only one in the church interior at this moment.

the generously padded seats make me feel rested and comfy. thank you Lord. this comfort is not attainable without your presence, i know.

i know you are here now.

i don't feel lost but i also feel like i don't know exactly where i am going.

there is enough peace in me that keeps me together despite any presence of anxiety that may be within me.

are you speaking, Lord; let me hear you. let me see you now. let me know what is in my heart planted by you.

every time you don't choose joy - you end up not choosing Me.

the sadness of the world can be transformed into joy of the Spirit.

i feel like i have just come from a trance. and i don't remember writing those last 2 lines. it must be partly the slumber of early-afternoon, the cool breeze, and perhaps God just put me to rest for a while. iglip.


---------------

minutes before midnight.

the day is full and the next one is beginning very soon. oddly enough, the family had decided to also head up to tagaytay this weekend, and sunday was the best day for it fortunately. it must be a double blessing to experience a journey out for the soul both days this weekend. in my utter failure of fulfilling my intentions for Lent, here is God granting me grace.

it is strange to come to the realisation that as i have made the decision and am acting upon the intention to discover myself - or rediscover myself - my mind and heart is also suddenly filled with other hearts. other spirits. when i was not seeking myself there wasn't such a phenomenon. perhaps it is the truth that brings stories to the surface. brings a natural direction to go towards what is like-spirited.

there is a story of someone whom i have never met but seem to identify with on the journey of self-awareness, and whom my heart reaches out to as his stretches double-time to accommodate the truth he is stepping up for. he means a lot to me because his existence and journey has affected mine and the Family's.

the story of k is tied to this - or rather it is tied to the story of k - and her story right now is also making me examine my own relationships, where before i was transfixed on only my relationship with her. and of course my examination of myself, the grace of the present circumstance - it is both a result of great failure and a cause for great new hope. my growth will always be tied to whom has seen me the most.

there is the journey of m as he finds ground again in his own life, intending to rebuild, redefine, rediscover. the same as me. his question about my art stepped onto my plane at this time where i have been asking the same question for myself. finding out what it is i am really meant to do at work. or for myself, in general, the building of my own life here now that it is no longer defined by the circumstance i have allowed to define me all my life. he said he would invest in my art if and when i decide to take it further. i am being reminded of why i started to pursue art in the first place. it saved me. it was where i experienced God's hand.

i have picked up the camera again and today i have images of what my heart sees. i have not done that in a long time. it saved me the time i first moved to london. it saved me the time when i had no words to communicate with k and she made me start a blog to post my photos. taking photos is how i made sense of the chaos of my world.  the pottery lessons i will be conducting have been a bit of a bane of my life recently but i am beginning to see that it is an opportunity to be reminded of why i started with clay in the first place.

there is the journey of c and his big decision that has shaken the people in his life. i am rather confused about his intentions also but i have found that the journey of self-awareness is something i am beginning to share with him and perhaps it is also what he needs right now. having dinner with his sister yesterday revealed a lot about how he has painted his life differently for me compared to its reality.

there is the journey of v and we seem to be in constant juxtaposition. she has itchy feet and i have feet that long to be planted. within two weeks of being back here, our roles seem to have completely reversed - we were both at the brink: but she was to fly while i fell. somehow this juxtaposition helps both of us in that we are an extra pair of eyes for each other.

there is a twitch in my right eye and i have had it for at least two weeks. i am not entirely sure when it started, but i am almost positive that it was when k pulled me aside to talk things out with me at work. that day was the last time i cried about my circumstances. when i broke down because of her starting to cry, i was pressing on my eyes a lot as if trying to physically push back the tears. i remember pressing and pressing and rubbing and making a sudden stop when i felt something throb. thus began the twitch. will this be a reminder of this chapter of my life?

i don't know what causes a twitch. but it feels like a sudden series of staccato pumps of blood in a very precise area in my body. and perhaps i can allow the twitch to remind me of how alive i am.

spring

in the backseat on a drive out of the city for the day. up into the slightly cooler highlands. with k and with v. the morning is gentle with a blanket of cloud diffusing the sunlight. 

i brought my camera with the intention to reacquaint myself with an art that saved me.

i think i need this time to feel solitude with the group that holds me. i cant fool myself into thinking i amcompletely familiar and comfortable. in a lot of ways i am, but in some ways i am also not. it is the ebb and flow of transitioning and i need to acknowledge it is there lest i go into it unprepared and drown.

i am grateful for this time. the music playing right now will always remind me of this time.

it is new year. new spring. in the kurdish culture. i feel it. newroz pîroz be. as we are surrounded by your beautiful creation let us grow with it. always. growing upwards ever towards you.

morn

i conked out last night before i could write because of being spent from yesterday evening's workout. i haven't done the scientific 7-minute work out in maybe 5 months. felt like my body woke up in a different way. definitely should keep it up. slept well also.

as for zumba, well. k says i need to learn how to dance like a girl. i have discovered i can't rotate hips and do any other body movement simultaneously. what does this say about me? how i sit in my body? i have always been on the awkward side. sometimes when it's just dancing to a song i feel more comfortable. something about music that naturally dictates movement. but the moment i have to follow choreography my body feels rigid and movement in different parts of the body disjointed rather than in a flow.

yesterday felt like a day that i would like to be repeated as most normal work days. for a few seconds in the morning i didn't know what to do with myself and started asking if i can help with some other big ongoing tasks. i managed to finish tasks i set myself and could take on new tasks by lunch time. can all days be like this?

lots of tasks to do today and i want to finish them so i better get on.

writhm

i’m on notepad. i mean textedit, because it’s a mac. but it will always be notepad.

it’s funny to think sometimes how i really grew up with this white rectangle. this is a bit of a revelation this moment as it becomes a familiar thought transformed. i got through transition by writing the heck out of it. and it seemed like God took it away right when i met him. one of the last posts on my last blog was of the life in the spirit seminar. that was the end of the independent rhythm i had to keep myself sustained.

the past months of writing three (sometimes just one or two) times a day is the rebirth of that rhythm. k no matter how she says she doesn’t really know me at least still knows what matters. she saw that i needed this and graciously gave me the time for it. while i fretted and saw it was a hindrance from ‘making things happen’. these people, they see me and they see what i need. it is far from ideal. and i see that too. but any effort to not receive it fully because i am embarrassed, or frustrated with myself, or in just complete self-loathing… is a shame not to me, but to them. note to self: that is the greater shame.

the love of people closest to me overwhelms me this moment. i have just listened to a podcast that reflected on Jesus’ work that didn’t stop for as long as the Father’s didn’t. the clean smooth voice of the man in the podcast said things about brotherhood and the nurturing of piety. i can’t remember his exact words but i was thinking about how to love those who are difficult to love. because it’s the only way to see Jesus. the only way to go deeper into piety. while i walked to work i thought about p and how on earth do i do that without seeming ignorant of the family he has hurt? i guess i should just listen to God and not think about it. when i think… it messes things up.

in everything that is around me, God’s love will only be present if i love what is around, and love myself in equal parts.

Christ

melancholy this nighttime, silence is here. it enlarges distance. rings around the grave of the dead. lingers in absence. looms behind small words.

empty this nighttime, hope is here. it fills dark with light. softens the blows of uncertainty. dwells within me. walks before me. fights for growth from small words.

Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I sit down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

Amen.

(St. Patrick's Breastplate)

out loud

i've decided to wait around for my mom who is currently just entering skyway on the way home. i have chosen to sit here and write, rather than take the time to walk home. both activities seem beneficial in some way but this moment i have felt i need to prioritise this writing first. since this is the more articulate activity. and i need to articulate. if i don't, i'll be pushing thoughts away.

today i found myself saying things out loud as an attempt for more clarity in my head. it worked. maybe it is a practice i need to do more often. 

i hope to get some rest tonight, rest in a way that my mind is not anxious or calculating. i have some tasks to do that can be done without thinking so maybe i can listen to a podcast or watch a film or documentary or some kind of talk. and there needs to be time to read tonight.

I started to have a revelation of God’s nature through my work and sacrifice. Sometimes I believe we are waiting for God to give us a song, when in reality, He is patiently waiting for us to give a song to Him. The joy we bring Him from writing an honest song from our perspective, in the midst of trials is something we will never, for all of eternity, get the privilege to do again.

Hunter Thompson

(source)

serve

sitting in the music room to avoid interruption for just a few minutes.

to continue from last night's post: it is not natural for me to facilitate. i communicate well with others only when i know them quite well already. well, it feels like i know the team we're working with; however... i'm not sure what it is. maybe it's that they don't know me.

maybe it's that i am wanting to fit in to everything about home so badly that i'm losing a sense of grounding. over the seas it is fine because i know i stick out. i know i'm a foreigner. it feels okay to be a foreigner. back here, it doesn't. maybe i feel like i don't want to get caught as a foreigner. i want to be able to just Be and be able to carry the fact that i have lived away before, and i don't want it to be met with kaw na nga nag-London. it makes me uncomfortable to be introduced by the owner of the school as the potter from london because i don't sense how that would look like. in an ontological sense.

perhaps i am so careful to maintain this delicate non-foreignness that i forget to just be a real person. to interact, to mirror, to communicate, reciprocate. these are all things i know i am able to do, but was not able to in a decent way yesterday while working with the team.

one of the reflections i read on today's readings talked about how God heals not just from infirmity, but more so for service.

every day that i feel a bit more healed i would like to make sure that i am serving more. it's that passage again from l'engle's diaries... where she lost her self in the service of her family and she was completely happy. that's how i want to lose my self.

listen

i was at work at six in the morning today because i needed a ride and my parents were heading out that early. i also needed to prepare the rooms for this morning's teambuilding session.

colleague who was supposed to come early today to catch up on what she hasn't prepared for, is not here yet. this is challenging for me at the moment. she should be here. i also don't understand how she could be lax about it over the weekend if she knew she wasn't confident. but i realise that i am probably also the same. maybe she deals with the same fears and insecurities that i have been dealing with.

i am still learning about balance with the whole work thing. i feel better now that everything is in place and i know i don't have to rush later. materials are laid out, rooms are prepared, handouts are printed, time and motions for everyone.

it is quiet just for a little bit before i'm expecting everyone to come in and for the day to start picking up. i close my eyes and ready myself. i feel a bit tired because of waking up at 5:30am. i also need to grab a bite to eat after this writing.


-------------

never got to post that this morning because things did pick up. and the entire schedule changed. later on in the day, while relocating materials, i told v: i feel like God is seriously telling me to just stop organising. stop planning. everything i set out to accomplish manages to get vetoed.

i thought i was just doing my job. how much is too much? is it because it was at the expense of my own internal preparedness?

i had felt i was prepared because i wrote the guides. i had them. i'd reviewed them. i went over my notes about the participants from last week. i even maintained level-headedness when the schedule changed. and i thought it was all going well.

what i am learning perhaps in this session that it doesn't come naturally for me to facilitate. i have just maybe been fortunate in all my past experiences that i was in the disposition to do so. today, it was very difficult for me to do it. it was a weird feeling but i felt blind. like i couldn't see what was truly going on around me and it made me fail to efficiently navigate myself and steer the participants.

more than all the logistics that go into something like this, the logistics within me need to be clear and ready and  the path between my heart and brain needs to be clear. clear. ready.

heartbeat

at home and having breakfast before 9 in the morning this sunday, because my lolo had a sleepless night with an increased pulse rate. he got my dad to take his blood pressure. lola was fretting around because she was gonna be late for playing piano at the church. 

lolo called up his doctor friend and talked through the events. increased pulse that woke him up. he took meds to counter it. he talked about his recent visit to the doctor. then he began to repeat it. and i must've heard him repeat the same details 3 or 4 times before the rhythm changed and he was saying, okay. okay. yes. okay. sorry for the trouble. okay. thank you.

he said that at the end that his doctor friend told him, don't check your pulse rate unless i tell you to. 

he sounds incredibly anxious. just speaking to the doctors calm him down. i suddenly thought about what i watched on grey's anatomy where hugs help to decrease that kind of stress. i tried it out. i could feel how his heartbeat was quick. 

i did a quick google search and in general touching is supposed to help. it must be a basic human need to be touched. these old people i live with... i realised i should be more aware of touching them. because God knows they don't touch each other.

also sugested to lolo that he should try picking up tai chi again. 

im-perfect

i am hoping that today will not be a stressful day with my parents. my dad has agreed to drive to cubao despite the late hour of 9:30, after me making an appearance at open house. we will also have to stop by an atm to withdraw money. 

starting with that paragraph makes my mind feel like it is going faster than it should be at this point in the day. would like to rewind my brain and get centered. 

He has struck us but He will bind our wounds. what about the capability of human beings must be struck down by God? i know this verse but i absorb it with inquisitiveness this moment.

i feel that human capability is something satan has penetrated and can use as a tool against us. capability has grown to have so many layers as the world has grown. in the beginning of us there was contentment. there was the voice of God and it was enough. the world has grown to have many voices. God is still there but the power of man that was a gift and a direct line to the divine was twisted and imprisoned to become a horizontal power rather than a veritcal power. i wonder what the face of wisdom would be without eve's apple.

maybe it would he meekness. meekness as they describe Jesus in the bible.

wisdom feels like a reconciliation between the knowledge from the apple and the gift of power from being made in His image.

we are the kingdom of God. 

the more He binds our wounds, the less we are bound by the world.

---

the day started and i got swept away and didnt get to post from this morning.

on the way home at the moment with a potter's wheel by my side. it isnt perfect. it hasnt been kept in the best aesthetic condition at the supplier center. it works though. i was hesitant and was starting to become anxious. i called k to ask if there would be any complications if there isnt an official receipt. she said as long as there's acknowledgement it would be okay. 

perhaps God is really tearing me away from my idealistic nature. and making things turn out not as i expected. it seems to be the theme of my life lately. i feel enlightened this moment in the realisation of this. God is here and he holds this less than perfect wheel. His hold on it makes it perfect. there seems to be nowhere else this can be bought. he brought the owner to the supplier office so he could communicate with me, after i was disheartened by the seeming impossibility of the service of the other employees there when i first arrived (had to leave and go back because apparently at 1130 youre already preparig to have an hour lunch break and can't serve customers).

my life is incredibly imperfect right now because God is here and He is perfect. 

be

friday night finds me quiet on my bed and being grateful for the lack of stress and anxiety. maybe i can even say a presence of peace.

i think that this week i have discovered that perhaps the best time for writing for me is in the morning. or at least it is when i need it most. because maybe, probably, i am not yet beyond being able to function in this world without checking up on myself this way as much as i can within the schedule of three times a day.

life knocked today and in much better fashion than the very recent past i have been able to rush up with all of me to meet it. choosing to not be controlled by my fear, awkwardness, and basically more fear.

i know i'm in here somewhere.

i will find myself as i keep choosing life. truth. light.

there are some moments where i am fully absorbed in what is happening, and i am not thinking about other things, and this is when i know i am fully present. and i can feel peace. l'engle talked about this - i just tried to find the quote but cannot. she was talking about a dinner party.

losing myself to find myself.

home

in the office early today because my dad was heading out early to play tennis. i'm writing now and hoping to take these few minutes of solitude, likely to be broken by one of the other earlybird officemates.

i stayed pretty long in my morning body sculpture today. just feeling. grounding. i am tired from not having enough sleep but i am here and alive. this is what it feels like to sow seeds. to keep sowing seeds. to wait. to grow. to wait some more, and grow some more. to live fully. to be here in the present. to be alive in spite of all the death around me. 

His mercies are new every morning. 

I will heal your faithlessness and love you freely... (Hosea 14:4)

the bethel wordless album fills my soul's backpack this morning, ready to journey through the day. the piece called Forgiven sounds like a journey. it's uphill. i am a bit out of breath because of this, and partly in the excited anticipation to keep going, to see more, to learn more. it's a sunny day and the temperature is just right to counter the sun and the climb. around 17 degrees.

today is the end of another week and i have to wrap up things that aren't wrapped up. i have to make decisions so that things move forward. bless these decisions, Lord and bless these movements. as i say this the brain starts to work and starts to accumulate the thoughts that need my attention. as the music goes on i try to keep the clarity of the moment just a little bit longer. 

now is the time to be and have what i have always wanted: to be fully present, at home. 

this is home. even though i'm fumbling and bumping into furniture that i didn't know was right in front of me. even though i don't know exactly where everything is. this is home. 

light

it is 1 am on the last day of the week. my brain is tired and perhaps swimming in the word 'community' so i don't know how much more i can articulate before calling it a day.

this morning was okay until a simple question revealed for me a struggle in communicating with k. i wasn't even thinking about it, but it is very obvious to her, which makes it even worse. i realised i haven't really been aware of how i am or what i project. after a discussion in the office i was pulled aside in the other room and things just got 'real' very quickly. not that whatever was happening wasn't real. but just that well maybe i wasn't real. or my idea of real was wrong. my idea of real in this situation has been to just fulfill the expectations of myself and try and figure out my shitty stinky mess by myself away from everyone else.

but this is home now and another thing i realised is that i am no longer used to being around people who know me inside out. you seemed a lot more certain of yourself through chat, k said, and well right now my brain can't muster the recall of how the conversation went but basically that is what i discovered. i go around work thinking that as long as i don't cry or don't fuck up on a grand grand scale that affects the entire organization, as long as i am finishing what i am doing and pulling whatever stops it takes even if it means it feels like i have no more life, i am ok and fulfilling the expectation of me. at work. and in any other context that would have been fine. here it is not. i feel that there was much more eloquent insight that happened in that room today but i don't have the energy to recall.

i really tried to not cry but then k's voice began to crack and i looked up and tears were falling down her face. she was right. she cried but showed no ounce of weakness. it broke me and i just started choking on sobs. i imagined quickly running up to give her a hug but for some reason it didn't feel right. maybe it was and maybe i should have. maybe it would have been too cheesy. maybe, i dunno, why do i always have to keep asking questions and judging myself this way?

i never feel like i do enough because i am trying to make up for past mistakes. sins of neglect and omission and complacency and ignorance.

it's never going to be enough and the longer i try making up for it, the more it is going to eat up my entire life. maybe now i'm operating at work in the dumbest way possible, maybe a few more months down the line i'm broke, maybe a few years down the line i've messed up a relationship because of all this baggage that i am trying to clean up, restore, repair, resuscitate, make whole again.

it's never going to work.

Lord, take it. i lay it at your feet because you say that your burden is light. you are that big Lord that this burden that is obliterating me into a ghost is light. this darkness is light, in You. i drop this at your feet because i need to keep running. i need to make it home. i am not yet there completely; and i decide that if i am going to make it in this lifetime then i have to start travelling light. travelling with the truth.

gather

i was reading the Word just seconds ago as a prelude to writing, and i felt it. i caught the moment. i was focused and i was absorbing the word and then suddenly i was thinking about what had to be done for work on Monday. i became aware of it in a way that i could tell it was something foreign in my train of thought for this morning. it was clear that it was an evil force trying to distract me.

it happened as i was about to read the paragraph of reflection that talked about the to opposing kingdoms: the kingdom of God and the kingdom of darkness which satan has rule over. and before i knew it i was at the end of the paragraph and was thinking about clay and everything i needed to accomplish like buying materials and the ideal things that would happen like maybe i would try and message p to go to the furniture fair happening this weekend just to see if he replies. 

i read the paragraph again and immediately felt mirrored in terms of what had just happened. all that keeps me from God is from the kingdom of darkness and i have been been distanced from God for so long. before the fault of my environment, the people and the circumstances around me... it is my fault. i depended on light illuminating me from other places. depended on light of others. 

whoever does not gather with me scatters. whenever struggle causes a great distance, that is me scattering. in Jesus pain and struggle should draw us ever closer to Him and each other. people have been drawing close and it is me who scatters, who falls to the floor in shame. 

this morning God tells me that He is here. and that He is more powerful than the kingdom of darkness. He tells me that His light will shine everywhere. He tells me that if i am with Him, i cannot be lost. cannot lose. we cannot lose this battle against the darkness because God is here and He is greater. i have no authority, but He has the authority. stay with me, child. gather with me. light is here.

autonomy

k shared this article tonight and it has given me new insight. i think it's shed light on a lot of my relationships in my life. i have never really considered autonomy as a necessary aspect of friendship, mainly because perhaps i have been subconsciously avoiding autonomy most of my life. maybe that's not the right thought to have about autonomy in my life, but right now i guess that's what i feel. i am thinking about all the people in my life and how i have always felt a distance in a way because it isn't always a constant connection. and yet i am always surprised and grateful for when i find that connection again and it is the same. i had accustomed myself to the ebb and flow in rhythm of these people. c. c. b. b. j. i remember how j had said flat out that he would be rubbish at keeping in touch but said he would always think of me. and well maybe he would try and send an email every six months. in these relationships i have embraced autonomy, but perhaps only because i had the perception that i need not be autonomous elsewhere. i didn't need to be defined by them because i knew where my identity lay. 

that elsewhere is where autonomy in particular is something i don't think i have considered. in the Family. or something i have gone about the wrong way. or perceived the wrong way. i thought that autonomy was a bad thing and so when its inevitability was apparent - it was bound to become apparent especially if i had my own life that was beyond the scope of the Family - i fought against it. and resulted in maintaining what i thought i should have been maintaining, rather than accepting the reality of autonomy and finding a way to integrate myself wholly. i didn't want to be different. i didn't want to have a different journey. but it was already happening. instead of addressing it truthfully, i tried to 'save' it and in exceptionally human fashion this was a grave disaster. i did not know how to be changed in this what felt like a timeless capsule. and the worst part is that i didn't pause to ask myself how it might happen, and was too afraid to ask myself what kind of consequences it would bring. i convinced myself God was enough to fill the gap. which He is. but i guess in a way i couldn't even admit there was a gap, too afraid of what would happen then, afraid of losing my place completely in the Family. 

perhaps i have avoided autonomy here because i have been afraid to be defined by the truth. to be defined by something i don't completely understand yet. maybe afraid of what i will find. maybe afraid that i will find that i don't know how to believe, don't know how to see, don't know how seek. i don't think i know how to do all that for myself. to have more compassion for myself.

fishing

the day has been about a lot of downloading. it is maybe a small miracle that my headache didn't persist despite me waking up with one. as i try and think back at the day it feels like i didn't get that much done though there were a lot of conversations. i cannot even remember what i got caught up doing that preoccupied me while i refreshed the blogger page 10 times to no avail. tomorrow i am promising myself to write before i go downstairs for breakfast.

there is a lot of work to do but i really need to carve out time for an hour of reading. or maybe even just thirty minutes. 

i just read. a new book of the pope's reflections. 3 pages. it didn't take long. and my soul is fed. and hunger grows. the pope talks about the encounter of Jesus Christ and how it comes in many forms. sometimes it entails painful confusion and doubt. but however it happens, whether in great joy or great pain, it leads us to greater humility. however difficult everything has been thus far, and however much it feels like God is not around because things aren't getting obviously better, this is enough. to be told that if there is humility, there is Jesus. that makes all the difficulty worth it. simon peter was shattered by sinfulness when he saw how full his nets were of fish. he had told Jesus to go away. instead, Jesus told him to not be afraid. from now on he would be catching people. perhaps i have been shattered too long. on the floor of that boat. feeling the weight of the fish, the weight of God's grace, as the weight of my sin. and i am sure that if i just looked up from the stinky floor of the fisherman's boat i would see just his feet and would be overwhelmed by love. i only have to get up. and follow. go catch some people.

run

11pm last night

not sure how long i'll last here because my head is throbbing. i realise i can close my eyes while i type this and this brings me some relief. i can go on for a bit longer.

when we are blind do we in a way gain some kind of ability to go on for longer? is there less strain without earthly vision, can the spirit see more clearly and move me more definitely if my eyes are closed? if it is dark and things are inconceivable? can the spirit see more clearly and move me more definitely if everything is uncertain, if my defenses are destroyed, if self is dying and i don't know who i am?

of course. 

k shared a piece of writing last night and it was exacto. all these people of the bible waiting and waiting for years before God created a miracle in their life. making sure that the miracle was ready to be held by these human vessels. how prepared am i a vessel for the miracle God is getting ready to plant in the Family's life? dear Lord i hope it isn't 40 years. but already we have been waiting a long time. 7 years. ever since the perfect moments of Godseeking and Godfinding we have running to return to it.

and multi-tasking is a myth. i know this. but i seem to have forgotten in my hypermicrofocus of my expectations of myself being dictated by a million details. in my finally drowning under everything i have managed to neglect because i have tried to run after too much at once. there is only one of me. if i don't run in the right direction of Godfinding, no one else can do it for me and no way else can it be done. 

hollow

walked to work this morning after a long time of not doing so. the brain feels alive and ready for the day, in a way that isn't usual. i can still feel tiredness from not getting enough sleep but blood is pumping all the same. is this what it means to be human, created in the image of God? to be able to live in paradox, just as He exists - man and God. King and baby. death for life.

i finally watched a film over the weekend and had caught one just on tv called stonehearst asylum. based on a story by edgar allan poe. and it's basically the characters there showed me that mental disorder can be hidden so well. that perhaps the brain is that powerful so as to maintain itself in disorder with a front of logic and sense-making. what does it mean to be truly sane? are we all insane in some way? i can feel my eyes glaze over or grow wide in thought and on the outside it must look like 'zoning out' but what does that mean, does it mean i am blanking out in my mind? it never feels like my mind is blank and it always seems like time passes very quickly when this happens. maybe it's like in big fish, where he can stop his world but only in his consciousness, and when he unstops it, everything happens to him triple-time to catch up to the reality.

but all these things become small and insignificant in light of the truth about God that i need a better grasp of in my own life. i seem to have spent my entire life looking outside of me, only looking inwards if i needed to align myself to what is beyond me. making sure i fit in. making sure i am able to belong somewhere. or maybe not. i get confused nowadays with the timeline of my life. i used to be a lot more sure, a lot more aware of myself. i need to find the exact point where i stopped.

water

midnight. it seems to be way too early to be writing as a prelude to bed at 9:30pm. do i change the time? how can i negotiate this? no. i shouldn't change the time. i need to try and sleep earlier so that i am more efficient all round. so if i am needing to do work at night then sleeping earlier will allow me to wake up earlier and do the work.

discovered after writing about mosquito bites that my dad has changed the broken screen in my room. grateful for this and hoping the 20 counts on each leg decreases soon.

finding it difficult to find words to say. i believe i have not been digesting enough words also for myself. it is late and and i am feeling myself having to catch up with my life. i know this isn't the right rhythm, i've yet to fall into ta better one. things need to continue with the mindset that how can i make time if i don't take time. my days never feel fidle but somehow i still feel like i never have enough time. it must be my thoughts. thoughts taking too much form and somehow taking up that much time.

i look at pope francis' favourite painting, the white crucifixion by marc chagall. Jesus, the Passion, is in the center of a scene of sin. cosmos in chaos. i remember what v said last night. where sin abounds, grace abounds even more. my weakness it is here i can feel it and i trust that grace is here too. that it is a river that runs deep, sin washed away. falling into the water . engulfed. i fall into the water. renewed

7:40pm

the work day was long and i'm still here and it's nearing 7pm but it doesn't feel that tiring. maybe because of that release in energy in the afternoon, ironically. the release unblocks things in me, i feel, and dispenses whatever needs to be dispensed to allow more space for productivity. today was the program's kickoff and i don't feel i did very well. there were a lot of things i could have prepared for in a better way and i could have gone with gut instinct. i still second guess myself a lot and that has to stop.  don't want to dwell on it too much, instead, a strong resolve to 1. not second guess myself and 2. conceptualise to organise.

i am home now and trying to articulate what i am feeling. at the moment i cannot feel much more than annoyance because suddenly i have all these mosquito bites that are itchy. i don't know if i got bitten in the last few minutes of being in my room or if these bites somehow flared up only after i took off my jeans. i think i need to figure out what's wrong with the structure of my room that makes it susceptible to bugs. aside from the broken screens which is currently holding together with some tape. i also need to remember to use mosquito repellant on my body. if this even the handiwork of mosquitoes. i am reminded slightly of my christmas rash, and i seriously do not ever want to experience that again.

i don't think there are any particular outstanding feelings in me at the moment, and for the past few months. it's either a steady stable disposition or some kind of despair form helplessness.  

before the day starts

the weekend is over and i've stolen time from the new day. it's 1:15am. i haven't done very well this weekend in keeping this up, and in keeping time allocations for tasks in healthy fractions. the consequence is the tiredness and the heavy eyelids right now, and the lost time to read and feed my soul.

i did start reading something new though and it was humbling for it to align even in the smallest way with k. there was a slightly more stable disposition from me which i was grateful for. then the end of the day was struggle and it brought big unrest in my heart. why is this happening? well, the facts here on earth are known. but how about God's plan... is there even just a breadcrumb. a drop of water. bread and water rain down. there is truth i know in what i feel and what i see and it only makes sense to at least try and share it. 

i had a very strange dream last night of having to protect my sister from kidnappers. people i knew were around and could only be wayfinders. not joining the journey. i had slept uneasily that night for some reason and fell asleep near the end of a rosary. there was a kind of weight that i was aware of and it felt like it was all around me and on me. a great depression. i could feel it and the weight kept my eyes open and my mind hyperaware. the pain, the mystery, the cloud over the life of k. the sudden apparent apathy and depression filling c. a lot of things are not right at the moment. and then there is my own weight too, and that is everyday behind me slowing me down trying to grab hold of my feet. sometimes, it manages to come round the front and block me from going anywhere. thankfully that happens slightly less now. the landscape in which i tried to navigate my sister safely was weird - it was a combination of the village i live in now and something else. going down country club drive things started to change like there was a corner store somewhere there instead of a mansion of a house. and once we turned left at Pili it became bukit batok, where we used to live, in singapore. i remember feeling like i had no longer a clue of where i was going. but as long as it was away from danger, it made me feel safer.


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0725

the blogger app didn't post again. i might reinstall the app to try and overcome this. but at least it isn't erasing my posts from the cache.

it's the morning and i'm going to make a few notes for today's kickoff. i am a bit nervous and i probably need to jump around later to get some nerves out. i am alone in the office and i'm thinking of how it will be empty and there won't be anyone to take calls and hopefully there are no angry customers. my mind is already try to jump a mile ahead of me and i am closing my eyes to just try and be here. in the moment. keep sowing your seed, because you never know which one will grow - perhaps they all will. His mercy is new every morning, and it is the morning, He is here. He quiets my heart. quiets my mind. gives my hands the skill of touchtyping so i can maintain this sense of grounding and feel words flow out slightly easier. the sun illuminates the eyelids but it is not straining it is just a warm glow. be with me today, Lord. be with all of us. be everywhere, before us, behind us, in between each of us as we go about today and carry weight together. trudge on to the promise that we know you are keeping, together. our spirits are alive, i know it, else we would have given up and fallen apart a long time ago. let it be even greater than our minds, our bodies, our souls. let it transcend our wounds and the great distances the years have built so deviously around and between us. for p who is on another island that i used to know may the unfamiliarity make him remember what it was like to be around people who really really saw him as familiar

day

i find myself almost overwhelmed by the quiet of this late morning. plans changed while i was barely awake and so i didn't have to accompany my mom to the hospital. she is going for a stress test. i don't know exactly what stress tests measure but i hope that it tells her to take it easy. but then again... what would it take to change a lifetime of habit?

the weekend began with some self-care time with the ladies at work. i found myself quiet again. partly because i didn't mind being in a listening disposition and was happy to be there, but also partly because i was uncomfortable. not sure if it's possible to feel both of that simultaneously. perhaps it's the wrestle of my old self and the truth. may i become more and more weak so that the truth takes over completely. because only then will i be able to sit with myself, with everything horrible about me on one side, and everything good on the other. i am grateful for the grace that allowed for okay conversation with k. i still find myself trying to find ground but just sometimes i forget about it.

to forget my self is to be myself. and to be myself, rather than see my self, is to have the space for empathy.

i bought a new watch which will hopefully really help me to keep track of time more. it is an everyday watch which is lightweight and sturdy. this is the second watch i have owned in my adult life and i'm very grateful to have the same people around me for its arrival. i have sent a photo to p. he is likely to not reply. but i will keep on sowing seeds.

ended up sleeping at 3am just because my brain felt like it needed to sift through things after a night dose of work - exciting conversations about further developing the new program we have put together the past couple of months, and sending out our proposal to present at a conference later in the year, and submitting another one for the boss at the very last minute. more chance of going if we send two, she had said. i managed to catch up with my sister a little bit last night, and c caught me online also. he is planning to propose to his girlfriend of one and a half years this november. his sister is freaking out. i am also not so sure about it. he feels like a kid.

i have to go for dinner with the family and some relatives tonight so i am determined to finish the work i need to finish for monday, today. i woke up feeling the energy to do it. today is a new day.

it is 11:32am and i have not had any breakfast or have gone downstairs to interact with life. slowly i feel more at home in my own room, and i am grateful for this. i feel empty. not in a bad way. i want to fill up with words and thoughts and feelings that will show me the new life that is just waiting to emerge from within me.

mo(u)rn

i cant remember the last time i felt really good about waking up in the morning, but this morning was at a level lower than usual and i hadn't even encountered anything yet. all i had done was come into consciousness. 

then the reading talked about murder. the gospel about resentment and betrayal. i feel like one of those brothers. bringing evil where it should not have been.  allowing evil to be embodied in them. 

then followed the message a bit later on. this time round there is no more defense in me. maybe a fight to move forward. but also a great connection with rock bottom. i have no right to explain. no credibility to be worthy of problem-solving. whatever i feel are misconceptions i have to accept because i, and the circumstances, had led it to become so. 

i look at the wreckage Lord and i sit with it because i know this is where you are. and i am waiting, expecting to be moved by you.

practice

this latter half of the week has borne many missed writings. despite setting reminders and now wearing a watch, this still happens. i haven't forgotten, either, regardless of the reminder. when it comes to the moment i just make a decision to postpone it a few minutes because i am in the middle of something. until the few minutes is an hour, a few hours... it is easier to forgo in the evening when the times for posting are closer together. and then recently my nights have been cluttered.

i have to make a decision to drop everything when i hear that reminder alarm. or is it about being able to do it despite what i'm doing? for example, my evening and night times recently have been preoccupied with important conversations. i guess i should trust myself to make decisions about this and stand by my actions. be accountable.

the practice doesn't have to be perfect. it just has to be sincere. and truthful. 

start

this was posted at 9:02am but blogger app didn't load it 

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my mind is quiet this morning and a bit tired because i havent had enough sleep. last night was one of those nights where i tried to be productive despite being spent and so any effort just went into trying instead of actually being productive. mental note again: sleep early. just sleep super early so you can wake up early and do work with a clear mind.

will be seeing kids this morning, that is going to be a shift in mind. havent seen any for the good part of the past three weeks. we are making cars and naming our family to put in the car.

i am hoping i am able to get the school driver to go and check out the wheel on saturday. 

just discovered i have to accompany my mom to the doctors on saturday. so those are scrapped plans. 

i am hoping that today is a smooth day and that i function normally. usually i am against having earphones im the office but now i think i need to put them on and just zone out into work. 

core

still itching. it literally feels like there are bugs in the legs of my jeans. i don't have time today to buy screen for my window so i'm gonna remind my dad about it tonight.

i am grateful i was able to regulate in the individual meeting with the boss today. we talked about transitioning. it was difficult for me to accept her encouragement given the real context of things, the reality of things. i guess i can try to at least see it as a leveller - i don't allow it to put me in a very good position but i also don't completely reject it. i guess it's, taking it for what it is. not more and not less, not allowing it to pass me by but also not allowing it to take over. learning to absorb different perspectives on the same situation and allowing it to take a place. its own place. existing with all the other views. allowing it to contribute to the truth. but knowing the grounding of the core of the truth. 

if i am to move forward in a good way from the present and into the future, i need to be able to see the past objectively. plainly. not be emotional. to not be emotional shouldn't mean that i am not to love. because it can mean that there is a trust that the very core of myself is love. and love is more than an emotion. it is the truth of me. so regardless of the emotions in or out of play, love is there. in fact emotions sometimes hinder love from operating in me. who am i to get in the way of the truth? if i trust that love is there, i can move. 

space

i woke up itching. maybe this sudden aggression in being btiten is an outcome of the oncoming summer. at the moment none of the solutions i have tried are working. i think tonight i will go somewhere and get new screen for my windows already because i've left it to my dad for too long and it's becoming uncomfortable. and it will take one rogue bite to bring me down for at least two weeks. it frustrates me that i see myself in this slow response of my dad. seeing the need but somehow still stuck with decision-making - what does he need to make decisions about? meanwhile i am here waking up to at least two new bites each morning, and finding new ones if i just sit still in this room for an hour.

the boss has asked to see me separately this morning. my first thoughts were she was going to address the fact that one of the programs is moving very slowly. but later on in the evening k told me she found out and it is because the trainer we had the last two weeks had observed signs out burnout in me. i actually felt all right throughout the training except for one day when a very difficult conversation had happened the night before. i regreat not being able to just lie in that morning's check-in circle and say i was at least a 5 or something. i am not sure what compelled me to be more truthful in that moment. maybe i couldn't help it. maybe it's part of my reactivity and not seeing the control i have over the picture. this is frustrating for me and i am sure even more so for k. and v. 

it is coming up to my fifth month at work and i do not want, definitely, to stay much longer in this position. but i won't be able to move forward unless i really admit tp myself the reality of where i really am. and  the more i spend time like now doing it by myself, in my own space, the more i will be able to navigate shared spaces in a decent way. 

the reality is i am being more than twice as incapable as i should be, which is equivalent to at least handling everything appropriately. my lack of processing this transition, my denial that this really is bad and that i am struggling with it a lot, has brought me to a functioning level that is way too low. this has affected people closest to me and the environemnts i am in. the denial has been masked by a desperate clawing in the wrong direction at strength that isn't even mine to take - that i should be waiting on, staying still for, because that's the only way to realise that i am nothing. that i am an empty shell. a vessel. any attempt to make myself more than a vessel is futile and harmful. when i see the big empty space in me i will find that the Source of strength has been there all along.

making

it's the end of the workday and i am still here but taking the time that i stole from writing this morning to do this right now as i thought of it, instead of saying oh yes i need to write and scheduling it for a slightly later time.

today i tried to do more of that. less thinking. more doing. for the most part it worked. it worked in a way that was not without mistakes... but today i have managed to handle my emotions about mistakes slightly better than before.

the morning was a bit quiet and there was some tension because, i discovered when i went down to the dining table, that my lolo had a small episode of palpitations. 150 beats per minute. my parents were woken up and the doctor was called and medicine was taken. this morning lola had arrived from mass and saw the empty table and lolo's clean plate and she frantically asked where he was. she was clearly very afraid and shaken from last night's event. she was sighing and said something like, oh my good God. i remember looking at the clean plate, a plate he has used ever since i was a child. i tried to imagine what i would feel if he was gone. i couldn't.

perhaps it was this morning encounter that had also driven me to go straight into work this morning and miss my writing time.

my day was not without mistakes. i am iterating this to realise how i really feel about it. i find myself looking less at what i could have done and instead am creating the path to keep going. i am grateful for some semblance of peace in these thoughts today.

i became a bit nervous talking to parents about a program but at the same time the need for the program became very apparent and it caused my brain to focus more. i think this is valuable to realise, and also means i have to focus on learning and be aware of visualising solidly, and not just ideating thoroughly. visualising the program by writing its concept paper wasn't enough for me for some reason. maybe because i am so used to articulating (when not under distress). i have to learn to write while practising vision and manifesting it. kind of like the imagine-express-verbalise-embody framework we learned at training. but obviously it has to happen much faster. it's making in a different context. the design of programs is a language i am becoming more familiar with.

things to do when i get home:

- update trello

- notes for meeting with boss

- send out teambuilding program related things

knowing

i ate too much for dinner probably because i ate too quickly and didn't pause for long enough to discover that i am full. the stomach is ony the size of the first. i have wasted a good half an hour because i had to let my body just be able to manage the food i had thrown at it.

currently typing on my phone, with my bluetooth keyboard. i am sitting on the bed and there is nothingin my vision except this keyboard and the dark blue backdrop that is my bed covers. my phone sits on my left, only in the periphery of my vision, seeing the words secondary in the writing experience.

i am finding that this is helping me be more focused.

today at work started out okay and then it became awkward. for me, because of me. once again it was so easy for me to just kill my spirit. no one did anything to me. i was not reprimanded. i was not judged. there were no particularly bad encounters or experiences today. i even had a good morning, or at least a good start to the morning.

why didn't i ride that wave? 

there seems to be something in me that just keeps me from keeping any good momentum. if it becomes better, i have to somehow mess it up so i can be back in a miserable, trying place again. i don't know what it is about me that keeps doing that. i have not always been like this which is why i wrestle with so much effort. i am trying to understand what is happening. i handled my responsibilities in school so well and i was even known as the most reliable person in the year group. i wasn't able to do that because i was confident, because i have always been not confident. but despite my lack of confidence, i believed in what i was doing. i knew i was steering some kind of truth. 

so how come that is missing here? when this is where i should be feeling that i am steering the most truth?

i felt comfortable facilitating because i know what i am there to do. i know that there is something to be accomplished, and my focus on this makes me go beyond myself and not be so self-conscious. that sense of purpose keeps me grounded.

so is it a lack of sense of purpose about myself that keeps me from operating as i should? perhaps it is i don't feel like i have the right to have a sense of purpose. but i do - and that is to be a better person. okay maybe that's not a sense of purpose. because that doesn't tell me why.

i think i am having such a hard time because for a long time that Why has been on something fallible that i had made to be infallible in my head. the Why has been the Family. and i have been in denial about how wrong that is. not because i shouldn't care but because it's a waste of divine hope. maybe God is trying to tell me that he can take care of it all. well, not just that he can, but that he is the only one who can. i am realising new meaning in that phrase in a song, all my hope is in you. not because i choose to be transfixed on God and make nothing else matter. but because hope is wasted anywhere else. all my hope should be in Him because he will turn that hope into everything that i can't even begin to imagine that is good and beautiful and love. my hope is the effort that is guaranteed not to fail because God is going to bring it exactly where it is needed. who am i to know that? who am i to think i know what is best for even just the next minute of my existence? much less the next day of the existence of the people i love? 

maybe i have always resented my mother calling me a know-it-all because it is my biggest flaw.

philippians four

i don't want to be where i am.

dear k, it feels like you just died. and i know i don't have any control over this. i cannot say, stay, because i will be better. because i have said this already and it's not going right. it hasn't gone right a lot of times. there is nothing i can do. i have no right to expect anything because i did this. i can't expect you to remain a close friends when all i have done is stab you for drawing close.

there is a verse that sits in front of my face and it says, do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; how do i do that? how do i not worry?

i feel like i need help but i cannot ask anyone to do this with me. everyone else has their own stuff in the final analysis i am here and it is only me. i am alone. and i have to face the silence of God. a silence that i have always known but tried to ignore because this silence can't be right. there must be something wrong with me that i cannot hear anything. cannot see anything. for myself. and it can't be right. so i pray and pray and always seem to be led away from myself, away and only to be led back here. after one big circle of having a sense of purpose and having a sense of belonging and a sense of God in the Family to now being alone and having no sense of anything.

and all this is keeping me from being useful where it is needed and why does God allow this? why do you allow this? why is the timing like this? are you trying to tell me that i really do not belong here? that there is nothing that i can contribute and that i am really just not a fit?

the verse then says tell God your needs, and don't forget to thank him for his answers. i need help Lord. i cannot do this by myself and i need for you to not be silent. at all. i need you to be loud and clear. i need you to be so loud that it silences all my questions. i need my brain to stop analysing and trying to figure things out and trying to fix things. i need your grace and power so that i can stay in the circle, stay in the Family, i need this to still be the truth when all is said and done. Lord i need to just see you. let me see you. i need to know that what i am doing is what you want. because i don't know what to do anymore and i am so desperate to just follow you because i know that if i do things will be well.

if you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can comprehend. i don't even care about my mind right now. it seems to be the very thing that is killing everything hopeful in this situation, stomping on all the breadcrumbs.

i know Lord that you can stay with me. you are the only one. and you are the only one who can tell me who i am. and you are the only one who can carry the enormous weight of my lack of knowledge and my lack of belief. you already did. you already did. and death in your book leads to new life. i need new life, Lord.

my life right now is highly toxic. it hurts everyone. it is eating me away into nothing. it is eating up time that i do not have. i cannot. i cannot stay like this. i don't want to be where i am because i am sick of it. i am ready to go. and to begin leaving means i have to get past a whole path and put it to rest.

His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus.

i am here, Lord. i trust and i wait on your voice. i will get up from this chair and making my way into bed will quiet my thoughts and my heart. a new day is already beginning and i have to rise to meet it. i am here. i am still here. i am here and i exist and i can exist in the best way, whatever that means, if i keep my eyes on Jesus, if my trust and my hope is in Him alone and no one else.

excess

it is midnight.

lying on my belly as it struggles to break down pasta that i had in a bit of excess for dinner. since the training (where it was mentioned that one of the number 1 triggers for stress was carbohydrates) i have been trying to cut down on the sugar. all round. since i last got sick my appetite had dipped again and i'm not eating as much carbs as i had begun to grow into taking since i got back. but tonight was careless in intake and now i'm bloated.

i dealt with slow walking at the mall today. and i dealt with my slow computer. i thought that perhaps my short fuse in slowness of things is projection of my own frustration with myself for being slow. 

 a kind of despair hit like a bus just an hour ago and it feels like there isn't much to say because talking makes me stay there. i could go into more detail but at the moment i don't feel like it would be healthy or productive. we have heard the story over and over. articulated the untruth time and again.. so i am going to read for at least half an hour before falling asleep.