writhm

i’m on notepad. i mean textedit, because it’s a mac. but it will always be notepad.

it’s funny to think sometimes how i really grew up with this white rectangle. this is a bit of a revelation this moment as it becomes a familiar thought transformed. i got through transition by writing the heck out of it. and it seemed like God took it away right when i met him. one of the last posts on my last blog was of the life in the spirit seminar. that was the end of the independent rhythm i had to keep myself sustained.

the past months of writing three (sometimes just one or two) times a day is the rebirth of that rhythm. k no matter how she says she doesn’t really know me at least still knows what matters. she saw that i needed this and graciously gave me the time for it. while i fretted and saw it was a hindrance from ‘making things happen’. these people, they see me and they see what i need. it is far from ideal. and i see that too. but any effort to not receive it fully because i am embarrassed, or frustrated with myself, or in just complete self-loathing… is a shame not to me, but to them. note to self: that is the greater shame.

the love of people closest to me overwhelms me this moment. i have just listened to a podcast that reflected on Jesus’ work that didn’t stop for as long as the Father’s didn’t. the clean smooth voice of the man in the podcast said things about brotherhood and the nurturing of piety. i can’t remember his exact words but i was thinking about how to love those who are difficult to love. because it’s the only way to see Jesus. the only way to go deeper into piety. while i walked to work i thought about p and how on earth do i do that without seeming ignorant of the family he has hurt? i guess i should just listen to God and not think about it. when i think… it messes things up.

in everything that is around me, God’s love will only be present if i love what is around, and love myself in equal parts.