space

i woke up itching. maybe this sudden aggression in being btiten is an outcome of the oncoming summer. at the moment none of the solutions i have tried are working. i think tonight i will go somewhere and get new screen for my windows already because i've left it to my dad for too long and it's becoming uncomfortable. and it will take one rogue bite to bring me down for at least two weeks. it frustrates me that i see myself in this slow response of my dad. seeing the need but somehow still stuck with decision-making - what does he need to make decisions about? meanwhile i am here waking up to at least two new bites each morning, and finding new ones if i just sit still in this room for an hour.

the boss has asked to see me separately this morning. my first thoughts were she was going to address the fact that one of the programs is moving very slowly. but later on in the evening k told me she found out and it is because the trainer we had the last two weeks had observed signs out burnout in me. i actually felt all right throughout the training except for one day when a very difficult conversation had happened the night before. i regreat not being able to just lie in that morning's check-in circle and say i was at least a 5 or something. i am not sure what compelled me to be more truthful in that moment. maybe i couldn't help it. maybe it's part of my reactivity and not seeing the control i have over the picture. this is frustrating for me and i am sure even more so for k. and v. 

it is coming up to my fifth month at work and i do not want, definitely, to stay much longer in this position. but i won't be able to move forward unless i really admit tp myself the reality of where i really am. and  the more i spend time like now doing it by myself, in my own space, the more i will be able to navigate shared spaces in a decent way. 

the reality is i am being more than twice as incapable as i should be, which is equivalent to at least handling everything appropriately. my lack of processing this transition, my denial that this really is bad and that i am struggling with it a lot, has brought me to a functioning level that is way too low. this has affected people closest to me and the environemnts i am in. the denial has been masked by a desperate clawing in the wrong direction at strength that isn't even mine to take - that i should be waiting on, staying still for, because that's the only way to realise that i am nothing. that i am an empty shell. a vessel. any attempt to make myself more than a vessel is futile and harmful. when i see the big empty space in me i will find that the Source of strength has been there all along.