day

i find myself almost overwhelmed by the quiet of this late morning. plans changed while i was barely awake and so i didn't have to accompany my mom to the hospital. she is going for a stress test. i don't know exactly what stress tests measure but i hope that it tells her to take it easy. but then again... what would it take to change a lifetime of habit?

the weekend began with some self-care time with the ladies at work. i found myself quiet again. partly because i didn't mind being in a listening disposition and was happy to be there, but also partly because i was uncomfortable. not sure if it's possible to feel both of that simultaneously. perhaps it's the wrestle of my old self and the truth. may i become more and more weak so that the truth takes over completely. because only then will i be able to sit with myself, with everything horrible about me on one side, and everything good on the other. i am grateful for the grace that allowed for okay conversation with k. i still find myself trying to find ground but just sometimes i forget about it.

to forget my self is to be myself. and to be myself, rather than see my self, is to have the space for empathy.

i bought a new watch which will hopefully really help me to keep track of time more. it is an everyday watch which is lightweight and sturdy. this is the second watch i have owned in my adult life and i'm very grateful to have the same people around me for its arrival. i have sent a photo to p. he is likely to not reply. but i will keep on sowing seeds.

ended up sleeping at 3am just because my brain felt like it needed to sift through things after a night dose of work - exciting conversations about further developing the new program we have put together the past couple of months, and sending out our proposal to present at a conference later in the year, and submitting another one for the boss at the very last minute. more chance of going if we send two, she had said. i managed to catch up with my sister a little bit last night, and c caught me online also. he is planning to propose to his girlfriend of one and a half years this november. his sister is freaking out. i am also not so sure about it. he feels like a kid.

i have to go for dinner with the family and some relatives tonight so i am determined to finish the work i need to finish for monday, today. i woke up feeling the energy to do it. today is a new day.

it is 11:32am and i have not had any breakfast or have gone downstairs to interact with life. slowly i feel more at home in my own room, and i am grateful for this. i feel empty. not in a bad way. i want to fill up with words and thoughts and feelings that will show me the new life that is just waiting to emerge from within me.