autonomy

k shared this article tonight and it has given me new insight. i think it's shed light on a lot of my relationships in my life. i have never really considered autonomy as a necessary aspect of friendship, mainly because perhaps i have been subconsciously avoiding autonomy most of my life. maybe that's not the right thought to have about autonomy in my life, but right now i guess that's what i feel. i am thinking about all the people in my life and how i have always felt a distance in a way because it isn't always a constant connection. and yet i am always surprised and grateful for when i find that connection again and it is the same. i had accustomed myself to the ebb and flow in rhythm of these people. c. c. b. b. j. i remember how j had said flat out that he would be rubbish at keeping in touch but said he would always think of me. and well maybe he would try and send an email every six months. in these relationships i have embraced autonomy, but perhaps only because i had the perception that i need not be autonomous elsewhere. i didn't need to be defined by them because i knew where my identity lay. 

that elsewhere is where autonomy in particular is something i don't think i have considered. in the Family. or something i have gone about the wrong way. or perceived the wrong way. i thought that autonomy was a bad thing and so when its inevitability was apparent - it was bound to become apparent especially if i had my own life that was beyond the scope of the Family - i fought against it. and resulted in maintaining what i thought i should have been maintaining, rather than accepting the reality of autonomy and finding a way to integrate myself wholly. i didn't want to be different. i didn't want to have a different journey. but it was already happening. instead of addressing it truthfully, i tried to 'save' it and in exceptionally human fashion this was a grave disaster. i did not know how to be changed in this what felt like a timeless capsule. and the worst part is that i didn't pause to ask myself how it might happen, and was too afraid to ask myself what kind of consequences it would bring. i convinced myself God was enough to fill the gap. which He is. but i guess in a way i couldn't even admit there was a gap, too afraid of what would happen then, afraid of losing my place completely in the Family. 

perhaps i have avoided autonomy here because i have been afraid to be defined by the truth. to be defined by something i don't completely understand yet. maybe afraid of what i will find. maybe afraid that i will find that i don't know how to believe, don't know how to see, don't know how seek. i don't think i know how to do all that for myself. to have more compassion for myself.