hollow

walked to work this morning after a long time of not doing so. the brain feels alive and ready for the day, in a way that isn't usual. i can still feel tiredness from not getting enough sleep but blood is pumping all the same. is this what it means to be human, created in the image of God? to be able to live in paradox, just as He exists - man and God. King and baby. death for life.

i finally watched a film over the weekend and had caught one just on tv called stonehearst asylum. based on a story by edgar allan poe. and it's basically the characters there showed me that mental disorder can be hidden so well. that perhaps the brain is that powerful so as to maintain itself in disorder with a front of logic and sense-making. what does it mean to be truly sane? are we all insane in some way? i can feel my eyes glaze over or grow wide in thought and on the outside it must look like 'zoning out' but what does that mean, does it mean i am blanking out in my mind? it never feels like my mind is blank and it always seems like time passes very quickly when this happens. maybe it's like in big fish, where he can stop his world but only in his consciousness, and when he unstops it, everything happens to him triple-time to catch up to the reality.

but all these things become small and insignificant in light of the truth about God that i need a better grasp of in my own life. i seem to have spent my entire life looking outside of me, only looking inwards if i needed to align myself to what is beyond me. making sure i fit in. making sure i am able to belong somewhere. or maybe not. i get confused nowadays with the timeline of my life. i used to be a lot more sure, a lot more aware of myself. i need to find the exact point where i stopped.