i did start reading something new though and it was humbling for it to align even in the smallest way with k. there was a slightly more stable disposition from me which i was grateful for. then the end of the day was struggle and it brought big unrest in my heart. why is this happening? well, the facts here on earth are known. but how about God's plan... is there even just a breadcrumb. a drop of water. bread and water rain down. there is truth i know in what i feel and what i see and it only makes sense to at least try and share it.
i had a very strange dream last night of having to protect my sister from kidnappers. people i knew were around and could only be wayfinders. not joining the journey. i had slept uneasily that night for some reason and fell asleep near the end of a rosary. there was a kind of weight that i was aware of and it felt like it was all around me and on me. a great depression. i could feel it and the weight kept my eyes open and my mind hyperaware. the pain, the mystery, the cloud over the life of k. the sudden apparent apathy and depression filling c. a lot of things are not right at the moment. and then there is my own weight too, and that is everyday behind me slowing me down trying to grab hold of my feet. sometimes, it manages to come round the front and block me from going anywhere. thankfully that happens slightly less now. the landscape in which i tried to navigate my sister safely was weird - it was a combination of the village i live in now and something else. going down country club drive things started to change like there was a corner store somewhere there instead of a mansion of a house. and once we turned left at Pili it became bukit batok, where we used to live, in singapore. i remember feeling like i had no longer a clue of where i was going. but as long as it was away from danger, it made me feel safer.
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0725
the blogger app didn't post again. i might reinstall the app to try and overcome this. but at least it isn't erasing my posts from the cache.
it's the morning and i'm going to make a few notes for today's kickoff. i am a bit nervous and i probably need to jump around later to get some nerves out. i am alone in the office and i'm thinking of how it will be empty and there won't be anyone to take calls and hopefully there are no angry customers. my mind is already try to jump a mile ahead of me and i am closing my eyes to just try and be here. in the moment. keep sowing your seed, because you never know which one will grow - perhaps they all will. His mercy is new every morning, and it is the morning, He is here. He quiets my heart. quiets my mind. gives my hands the skill of touchtyping so i can maintain this sense of grounding and feel words flow out slightly easier. the sun illuminates the eyelids but it is not straining it is just a warm glow. be with me today, Lord. be with all of us. be everywhere, before us, behind us, in between each of us as we go about today and carry weight together. trudge on to the promise that we know you are keeping, together. our spirits are alive, i know it, else we would have given up and fallen apart a long time ago. let it be even greater than our minds, our bodies, our souls. let it transcend our wounds and the great distances the years have built so deviously around and between us. for p who is on another island that i used to know may the unfamiliarity make him remember what it was like to be around people who really really saw him as familiar
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0725
the blogger app didn't post again. i might reinstall the app to try and overcome this. but at least it isn't erasing my posts from the cache.
it's the morning and i'm going to make a few notes for today's kickoff. i am a bit nervous and i probably need to jump around later to get some nerves out. i am alone in the office and i'm thinking of how it will be empty and there won't be anyone to take calls and hopefully there are no angry customers. my mind is already try to jump a mile ahead of me and i am closing my eyes to just try and be here. in the moment. keep sowing your seed, because you never know which one will grow - perhaps they all will. His mercy is new every morning, and it is the morning, He is here. He quiets my heart. quiets my mind. gives my hands the skill of touchtyping so i can maintain this sense of grounding and feel words flow out slightly easier. the sun illuminates the eyelids but it is not straining it is just a warm glow. be with me today, Lord. be with all of us. be everywhere, before us, behind us, in between each of us as we go about today and carry weight together. trudge on to the promise that we know you are keeping, together. our spirits are alive, i know it, else we would have given up and fallen apart a long time ago. let it be even greater than our minds, our bodies, our souls. let it transcend our wounds and the great distances the years have built so deviously around and between us. for p who is on another island that i used to know may the unfamiliarity make him remember what it was like to be around people who really really saw him as familiar
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