living

i took the time this morning to not be quick. i took some time to read the book about st therese of lisieux. and took some time to read devotionals, which i have been bad at keeping up with lately. i didn't rush. and when dad wasn't done with some things he was doing and had an upset stomach so had to go to the toilet again, i didn't feel disturbed. i took a bit more time to read.

i read slow nowadays. in my early teens i was an extremely avid reader. i don't know what happened really. but now that i'm older i have to re-read a lot so that i pay attention to what i'm reading.

i often wonder how different i and my life would be like if i had pursued what i originally planned to do in england - creative writing. or english literature. usually though i come to the conclusion that i would be even further lost in my own head, only a ghost in this world that one would get to see through the filter of black pixels on a screen.

today i am grateful for the leap into real life that i took years ago. i am still fumbling and i trip over myself often. but i am here and alive and i can feel the Lord change me little by little. not because He's holding out on me but because He is being patient with me. oftentimes i think i am the one being patient with Him - how twisted that is.

today i just want to try and live every single moment. every interaction and every word. without holding back and not controlled by fear. no second-guessing and overanalysing. just living. it could be simple.