serve

sitting in the music room to avoid interruption for just a few minutes.

to continue from last night's post: it is not natural for me to facilitate. i communicate well with others only when i know them quite well already. well, it feels like i know the team we're working with; however... i'm not sure what it is. maybe it's that they don't know me.

maybe it's that i am wanting to fit in to everything about home so badly that i'm losing a sense of grounding. over the seas it is fine because i know i stick out. i know i'm a foreigner. it feels okay to be a foreigner. back here, it doesn't. maybe i feel like i don't want to get caught as a foreigner. i want to be able to just Be and be able to carry the fact that i have lived away before, and i don't want it to be met with kaw na nga nag-London. it makes me uncomfortable to be introduced by the owner of the school as the potter from london because i don't sense how that would look like. in an ontological sense.

perhaps i am so careful to maintain this delicate non-foreignness that i forget to just be a real person. to interact, to mirror, to communicate, reciprocate. these are all things i know i am able to do, but was not able to in a decent way yesterday while working with the team.

one of the reflections i read on today's readings talked about how God heals not just from infirmity, but more so for service.

every day that i feel a bit more healed i would like to make sure that i am serving more. it's that passage again from l'engle's diaries... where she lost her self in the service of her family and she was completely happy. that's how i want to lose my self.