colleague who was supposed to come early today to catch up on what she hasn't prepared for, is not here yet. this is challenging for me at the moment. she should be here. i also don't understand how she could be lax about it over the weekend if she knew she wasn't confident. but i realise that i am probably also the same. maybe she deals with the same fears and insecurities that i have been dealing with.
i am still learning about balance with the whole work thing. i feel better now that everything is in place and i know i don't have to rush later. materials are laid out, rooms are prepared, handouts are printed, time and motions for everyone.
it is quiet just for a little bit before i'm expecting everyone to come in and for the day to start picking up. i close my eyes and ready myself. i feel a bit tired because of waking up at 5:30am. i also need to grab a bite to eat after this writing.
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never got to post that this morning because things did pick up. and the entire schedule changed. later on in the day, while relocating materials, i told v: i feel like God is seriously telling me to just stop organising. stop planning. everything i set out to accomplish manages to get vetoed.
i thought i was just doing my job. how much is too much? is it because it was at the expense of my own internal preparedness?
i had felt i was prepared because i wrote the guides. i had them. i'd reviewed them. i went over my notes about the participants from last week. i even maintained level-headedness when the schedule changed. and i thought it was all going well.
what i am learning perhaps in this session that it doesn't come naturally for me to facilitate. i have just maybe been fortunate in all my past experiences that i was in the disposition to do so. today, it was very difficult for me to do it. it was a weird feeling but i felt blind. like i couldn't see what was truly going on around me and it made me fail to efficiently navigate myself and steer the participants.
more than all the logistics that go into something like this, the logistics within me need to be clear and ready and the path between my heart and brain needs to be clear. clear. ready.
it is quiet just for a little bit before i'm expecting everyone to come in and for the day to start picking up. i close my eyes and ready myself. i feel a bit tired because of waking up at 5:30am. i also need to grab a bite to eat after this writing.
-------------
never got to post that this morning because things did pick up. and the entire schedule changed. later on in the day, while relocating materials, i told v: i feel like God is seriously telling me to just stop organising. stop planning. everything i set out to accomplish manages to get vetoed.
i thought i was just doing my job. how much is too much? is it because it was at the expense of my own internal preparedness?
i had felt i was prepared because i wrote the guides. i had them. i'd reviewed them. i went over my notes about the participants from last week. i even maintained level-headedness when the schedule changed. and i thought it was all going well.
what i am learning perhaps in this session that it doesn't come naturally for me to facilitate. i have just maybe been fortunate in all my past experiences that i was in the disposition to do so. today, it was very difficult for me to do it. it was a weird feeling but i felt blind. like i couldn't see what was truly going on around me and it made me fail to efficiently navigate myself and steer the participants.
more than all the logistics that go into something like this, the logistics within me need to be clear and ready and the path between my heart and brain needs to be clear. clear. ready.
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