battle

yesterday 

i use the word quiet often for the beginning of the day but today is particularly in need of that word. the school year officially ended last week so there are no children to fill the air with screaming and laughing and crying. a lot of the staff are also having their last day here tomorrow. apparently it has been a long, long goodbye. i'm not sure how tomorrow's lunch will go. i hope it is joyful. 

-

today

yesterday was a day drawn out in agony topped with a futile quest for research for a paper. 

a lot of things were unavailable yesterday. scarce. information. valuable data. patience. humility. money. kind words. 

ironically, i had a lot of food. v too, i remember her words when i asked if she would still be able to eat her ordered food after her packed lunch and pandesal: yeah, let me be. i had a difficult morning. i can eat. maybe God was telling me about fasting yesterday.

last night i picked up L'Engle's Irrational Season to bring for v the following day. i felt like we were two little kids sitting at the porch waiting for their friend to come out. there isn't any other option: they are always a trio. the adventure wouldn't work with just two thirds. 

i opened the book to look up the part about Lent. first i looked at the content page. and then the next chunk i turned over opened up to the exact page i needed. l'engle talks about the beatitudes here. and the first one: blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

she talked about how poverty of spirit will bring joy: the Kingdom. because poverty of spirit is to be unselfconscious. is this what we are to do, Lord? receive the grace to get out of our own way ? that sentence strikes me right now because it means two things: that i could be blocking myself; and that i could be getting onto a different way, a better way.

but i do not wish to be disgustingly optimistic. i was told that by a close friend when i was about 15 and it made me re-evaluate my entire world view. i valued her opinion a lot.  and yet growing up i have found that i always see hope. sometimes i wish i didn't, so that i could be real about reality instead.

and yet here it is. i am encouraged by the encounter of l'engle's words last night. i am encouraged by all the small good things that in reality are barely anything next to the immense darkness of the struggle of this journey, next to the raging and throbbing hurt spirit of j. i am encouraged by the spirits i do see fighting in this Family, and in k's friend c. (c is now designated to him and my own friend c is now z.) God is here. he can't be anywhere else because this is definitely a battlefield.