knowing

i ate too much for dinner probably because i ate too quickly and didn't pause for long enough to discover that i am full. the stomach is ony the size of the first. i have wasted a good half an hour because i had to let my body just be able to manage the food i had thrown at it.

currently typing on my phone, with my bluetooth keyboard. i am sitting on the bed and there is nothingin my vision except this keyboard and the dark blue backdrop that is my bed covers. my phone sits on my left, only in the periphery of my vision, seeing the words secondary in the writing experience.

i am finding that this is helping me be more focused.

today at work started out okay and then it became awkward. for me, because of me. once again it was so easy for me to just kill my spirit. no one did anything to me. i was not reprimanded. i was not judged. there were no particularly bad encounters or experiences today. i even had a good morning, or at least a good start to the morning.

why didn't i ride that wave? 

there seems to be something in me that just keeps me from keeping any good momentum. if it becomes better, i have to somehow mess it up so i can be back in a miserable, trying place again. i don't know what it is about me that keeps doing that. i have not always been like this which is why i wrestle with so much effort. i am trying to understand what is happening. i handled my responsibilities in school so well and i was even known as the most reliable person in the year group. i wasn't able to do that because i was confident, because i have always been not confident. but despite my lack of confidence, i believed in what i was doing. i knew i was steering some kind of truth. 

so how come that is missing here? when this is where i should be feeling that i am steering the most truth?

i felt comfortable facilitating because i know what i am there to do. i know that there is something to be accomplished, and my focus on this makes me go beyond myself and not be so self-conscious. that sense of purpose keeps me grounded.

so is it a lack of sense of purpose about myself that keeps me from operating as i should? perhaps it is i don't feel like i have the right to have a sense of purpose. but i do - and that is to be a better person. okay maybe that's not a sense of purpose. because that doesn't tell me why.

i think i am having such a hard time because for a long time that Why has been on something fallible that i had made to be infallible in my head. the Why has been the Family. and i have been in denial about how wrong that is. not because i shouldn't care but because it's a waste of divine hope. maybe God is trying to tell me that he can take care of it all. well, not just that he can, but that he is the only one who can. i am realising new meaning in that phrase in a song, all my hope is in you. not because i choose to be transfixed on God and make nothing else matter. but because hope is wasted anywhere else. all my hope should be in Him because he will turn that hope into everything that i can't even begin to imagine that is good and beautiful and love. my hope is the effort that is guaranteed not to fail because God is going to bring it exactly where it is needed. who am i to know that? who am i to think i know what is best for even just the next minute of my existence? much less the next day of the existence of the people i love? 

maybe i have always resented my mother calling me a know-it-all because it is my biggest flaw.