run

11pm last night

not sure how long i'll last here because my head is throbbing. i realise i can close my eyes while i type this and this brings me some relief. i can go on for a bit longer.

when we are blind do we in a way gain some kind of ability to go on for longer? is there less strain without earthly vision, can the spirit see more clearly and move me more definitely if my eyes are closed? if it is dark and things are inconceivable? can the spirit see more clearly and move me more definitely if everything is uncertain, if my defenses are destroyed, if self is dying and i don't know who i am?

of course. 

k shared a piece of writing last night and it was exacto. all these people of the bible waiting and waiting for years before God created a miracle in their life. making sure that the miracle was ready to be held by these human vessels. how prepared am i a vessel for the miracle God is getting ready to plant in the Family's life? dear Lord i hope it isn't 40 years. but already we have been waiting a long time. 7 years. ever since the perfect moments of Godseeking and Godfinding we have running to return to it.

and multi-tasking is a myth. i know this. but i seem to have forgotten in my hypermicrofocus of my expectations of myself being dictated by a million details. in my finally drowning under everything i have managed to neglect because i have tried to run after too much at once. there is only one of me. if i don't run in the right direction of Godfinding, no one else can do it for me and no way else can it be done.