mo(u)rn

i cant remember the last time i felt really good about waking up in the morning, but this morning was at a level lower than usual and i hadn't even encountered anything yet. all i had done was come into consciousness. 

then the reading talked about murder. the gospel about resentment and betrayal. i feel like one of those brothers. bringing evil where it should not have been.  allowing evil to be embodied in them. 

then followed the message a bit later on. this time round there is no more defense in me. maybe a fight to move forward. but also a great connection with rock bottom. i have no right to explain. no credibility to be worthy of problem-solving. whatever i feel are misconceptions i have to accept because i, and the circumstances, had led it to become so. 

i look at the wreckage Lord and i sit with it because i know this is where you are. and i am waiting, expecting to be moved by you.