philippians four

i don't want to be where i am.

dear k, it feels like you just died. and i know i don't have any control over this. i cannot say, stay, because i will be better. because i have said this already and it's not going right. it hasn't gone right a lot of times. there is nothing i can do. i have no right to expect anything because i did this. i can't expect you to remain a close friends when all i have done is stab you for drawing close.

there is a verse that sits in front of my face and it says, do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; how do i do that? how do i not worry?

i feel like i need help but i cannot ask anyone to do this with me. everyone else has their own stuff in the final analysis i am here and it is only me. i am alone. and i have to face the silence of God. a silence that i have always known but tried to ignore because this silence can't be right. there must be something wrong with me that i cannot hear anything. cannot see anything. for myself. and it can't be right. so i pray and pray and always seem to be led away from myself, away and only to be led back here. after one big circle of having a sense of purpose and having a sense of belonging and a sense of God in the Family to now being alone and having no sense of anything.

and all this is keeping me from being useful where it is needed and why does God allow this? why do you allow this? why is the timing like this? are you trying to tell me that i really do not belong here? that there is nothing that i can contribute and that i am really just not a fit?

the verse then says tell God your needs, and don't forget to thank him for his answers. i need help Lord. i cannot do this by myself and i need for you to not be silent. at all. i need you to be loud and clear. i need you to be so loud that it silences all my questions. i need my brain to stop analysing and trying to figure things out and trying to fix things. i need your grace and power so that i can stay in the circle, stay in the Family, i need this to still be the truth when all is said and done. Lord i need to just see you. let me see you. i need to know that what i am doing is what you want. because i don't know what to do anymore and i am so desperate to just follow you because i know that if i do things will be well.

if you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can comprehend. i don't even care about my mind right now. it seems to be the very thing that is killing everything hopeful in this situation, stomping on all the breadcrumbs.

i know Lord that you can stay with me. you are the only one. and you are the only one who can tell me who i am. and you are the only one who can carry the enormous weight of my lack of knowledge and my lack of belief. you already did. you already did. and death in your book leads to new life. i need new life, Lord.

my life right now is highly toxic. it hurts everyone. it is eating me away into nothing. it is eating up time that i do not have. i cannot. i cannot stay like this. i don't want to be where i am because i am sick of it. i am ready to go. and to begin leaving means i have to get past a whole path and put it to rest.

His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus.

i am here, Lord. i trust and i wait on your voice. i will get up from this chair and making my way into bed will quiet my thoughts and my heart. a new day is already beginning and i have to rise to meet it. i am here. i am still here. i am here and i exist and i can exist in the best way, whatever that means, if i keep my eyes on Jesus, if my trust and my hope is in Him alone and no one else.