the unfolding story of k and her friend is causing unrest in me. there is fear, and anger, and a big passion all fighting about my discretion of the situation. i paused a while earlier in the night to pray. my heart breaks for all this. i wish to understand where and how God's hand is working in all of this. and i battle with intellect, idealism, and a twisted sense of creativity thst can produce a lot of possibilities and rationalise and justify them. nothing works here Lord. but i know He can make it all work.
and then i tried to go on into the night allowing headspace for my pottery workshops coming up in mid-april. but it was in vain.
i did make one decision. to start making for myself. for an hour either before or after work. and i had to accept the fact that that's all i could do this evening. arrive at that decision. at first i wrestled with it because i had watched a video of my friends' design workshops that were happening in a few schools around england and they looked great and i was thinking what am i doing?? and it was a mixture of being inspired and feeling incredibly incompetent.
it's just a video. anything can look good on video. and not that it isn't good. just that i shouldn't allow it to be exaggerated in my brain. we are all doing the same sort of thing.
so, yes, i made one decision. and tonight i ask God to be with me in the happening of that decision. be the Potter that found me when i was almost completely disillusioned and existentialist... and reworked me into something good.
there is a lot that need to be reworked, Lord. and i know that you are always doing that. i pray for certainty in you when all else is just too uncertain. i pray to see what is important, what your plan is, even a little bit. i pray for the grace of vision that will keep us going and praising you.
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