light

it is 1 am on the last day of the week. my brain is tired and perhaps swimming in the word 'community' so i don't know how much more i can articulate before calling it a day.

this morning was okay until a simple question revealed for me a struggle in communicating with k. i wasn't even thinking about it, but it is very obvious to her, which makes it even worse. i realised i haven't really been aware of how i am or what i project. after a discussion in the office i was pulled aside in the other room and things just got 'real' very quickly. not that whatever was happening wasn't real. but just that well maybe i wasn't real. or my idea of real was wrong. my idea of real in this situation has been to just fulfill the expectations of myself and try and figure out my shitty stinky mess by myself away from everyone else.

but this is home now and another thing i realised is that i am no longer used to being around people who know me inside out. you seemed a lot more certain of yourself through chat, k said, and well right now my brain can't muster the recall of how the conversation went but basically that is what i discovered. i go around work thinking that as long as i don't cry or don't fuck up on a grand grand scale that affects the entire organization, as long as i am finishing what i am doing and pulling whatever stops it takes even if it means it feels like i have no more life, i am ok and fulfilling the expectation of me. at work. and in any other context that would have been fine. here it is not. i feel that there was much more eloquent insight that happened in that room today but i don't have the energy to recall.

i really tried to not cry but then k's voice began to crack and i looked up and tears were falling down her face. she was right. she cried but showed no ounce of weakness. it broke me and i just started choking on sobs. i imagined quickly running up to give her a hug but for some reason it didn't feel right. maybe it was and maybe i should have. maybe it would have been too cheesy. maybe, i dunno, why do i always have to keep asking questions and judging myself this way?

i never feel like i do enough because i am trying to make up for past mistakes. sins of neglect and omission and complacency and ignorance.

it's never going to be enough and the longer i try making up for it, the more it is going to eat up my entire life. maybe now i'm operating at work in the dumbest way possible, maybe a few more months down the line i'm broke, maybe a few years down the line i've messed up a relationship because of all this baggage that i am trying to clean up, restore, repair, resuscitate, make whole again.

it's never going to work.

Lord, take it. i lay it at your feet because you say that your burden is light. you are that big Lord that this burden that is obliterating me into a ghost is light. this darkness is light, in You. i drop this at your feet because i need to keep running. i need to make it home. i am not yet there completely; and i decide that if i am going to make it in this lifetime then i have to start travelling light. travelling with the truth.