life

words before the day picks up.

it was an uneasy sleep, coughing often. it's at that point where it is really itchy and there's nothing to do except open your mouth and cough as effectively as possible, sometimes to the point of having to stick your tongue out.

woke up tired. i sat up wrapped like suman in a thin blanket. i tried to imagine being grateful, or happy, or any kind of positive feeling. i prayed for Jesus to walk with me today. to help me interact especially with K. to help me see what i can do. i prayed for grace to just cover everything. i prayed for love to break out of me and make my actions.

because i know it's there. why is it so difficult to align? in the face of failure why does love get buried?

today's first reading has the word abundance in it. talking about life, and the birds that fly. life everywhere, happening, multiplying. everyone knows the genesis story. but i don't know it the way it has introduced itself to me right now. i've always been moved by the creation of man. God's breath in our lungs. but this morning God tells me about animals. about birds in flight, and life everywhere. and it stirs my weary soul that has become so accustomed to trudging through death.

i look out the window and see vivid green, full of life. my favourite colour before the current blue, was green. i also was fuller with life, then. i could see things. i could see life. even when it was most difficult.

i would say maybe i still see life now but i have been hesitant. i have been careful. calculating.

look at God. he just made all kinds of stuff and threw them into the world. in his perfect plan everything is perfectly placed - yes - but this morning i read these words and it looks like his stream of consciousness. it's stream of consciousness writing on a grand, grand scale. it thought up everything from life that flew to life that crawled.

and then life that was like him. like him. what am i doing, trudging through death when i could be like him?