expand

the work day is done. yesterday i was a 3 and then at some point i probably became a 0 and today i have maintained a 5.

all 

i dont see myself clearly at the moment because for a long time i chose to be defined by others. to an extent it is true that i am all that i can relate to, am passionate about, can do, and love. but then where does God fit in that picture? i know i cannot live without God, without faith; i already tried that before. but what does that mean? can i not relate, am i not passionate, do i not love Him? 

perhaps there is a lonely kid in me that needs all pursuits to be done with company. my pursuit of God was something i did with company, and continued with company however disjointed. and my sentimentality and comparmentalising nature kept my pursuit in a particular context. contracted, limited, not expanded. i remember trying to join a group once in brighton and i really liked the experience, i learned lectio devina there. i had to donate just £1 to partake in dinner. wednesday nights. lovely people. but it didnt feel right. it felt like i wasnt home. i only went twice. 

i chose to be solitary because my ideal wasnt fulfilled. this mindset seems to make me do a lot of things wrong, miss opportunities. i couldnt admit my needs and made myself believe that what i had was already enough. 

Father, i am here at your feet and i cannot see you. i have made myself too small, so small that being at your feet looks like being faced with plain darkness.

i am small but i know that in reality i am not that small that i cannot see you as my Father. as someone with hands reaching out to me. Your love is here and it has been drowning me through the people that have stayed and sat with me at the very  end of myself.