had a conversation with K about my computer and i guess right now i am arriving at the decision to make all these expenses.
i am also thinking about the expenses at work and how my perception about money needs to be transformed to contribute to my efficiency at the place. and that's not just about costs, but more importantly my image of money that is scarce and to be stretched to the very last penny - that needs to change so i can create a better picture of where the organisation is headed. so i can see how it can be used and envision its flow.
the past hour or so with my grandparents were spent mostly in silence, with only the TV blaring and the electric fan whirring. i did try to keep up conversation but eventually settled into my own rhythm, as did they. lolo was on the computer. lola was on her iPad playing mahjong while watching TV. i think i am realising with these people that they do not need to say anything or me to say anything in order for them to individually harbour closeness and develop a relationship. what is the grandparent-grandchild relationship? i am feeling it is a kind of 'watching over'. like how lolo left an article from the paper on my desk for me to read. parts were highlighted for my attention. other times my lola had come to me and said Ah, nakita mo na ang kwarto mo? insinuating that she had had it rearranged, something changed, new covers, etc. there always seems to be thoughtfulness while i am away though this doesn't necessarily translate to active live communication when we are together. i try to initiate deeper conversation but often it has not yielded favourable response.
i guess this is okay. maybe it is the generation gap. i am wondering about this in context of my own parents, that we are all co-existing in this space. so far so good the past few months - and i hope it only becomes more life-giving.
having a hard time encouraging lola. her arthritis is acting up again and i think she is in some kind of dull constant pain from all sorts of things. she is 'surrendering all' yet she is also stuck. unable to move, like the arthritis in her leg is also freezing up her mindset. because she is not helpless. she is just choosing to not help herself and calling it surrender.
my brain is falling asleep.
looking at the ashtray i made for J. i wonder if he will like it, or appreciate it. i hope he does. i hope he appreciates all the 'send-off' pack we will give him. that there is some life in this old home and that he can always go back to it and it will welcome him. his illustrations stay alive. they're taking new form. we are both ones who called things that were not as though they were: abundance. home. and we are the ones who got lost. who are finding our way back slowly in our own ways. i pray good things are revealed to him while he is away.
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