steps

currently on my phone to allow my computer to  import videos from the camera as fast as possible. this computer slowness is becoming a real problem now that i'm trying to pick up my life. i wonder if my behaviour has also been altered by this machine, just as i have acquired characteristics of my grandmother just from being around her a few years at a time while growing up.

i haven't done a new self-care activity yet tonight. currently what i am trying to maintain is: this writing, and reading. 

what took up my time tonight was my mom. she asked to massage her arm. this is a regular occurence in the household since she had her operation and chemotherapy. it's a side effect of having removed lymph nodes. numbness. what we do is either do tapping motions in the area under her arm and the breast tissue that reaches until the back. i do not like touching her. i don't know why. there are rare moments that i wish to hug her and i have seized those moments because i know how rare they are. but for the most part, i am not comfortable with it. if i sit beside her on the couch she usually allows her feet to rest pressed against my thighs. when the sensation happens i feel my brain and my body react very inwardly, like the blood cells get shocked. the reaction doesn't get past my skin. when i can't take it anymore i shift slightly to release the connection and i immediately feel better.

it's not that i have a thing against physical contact because my sister does similar and i am fine with it. i even appreciate the closeness. and i used to be okay with physical contact with my mom. when we were younger. i don't know why this is like this.

aside from fasting from negative reactions towards my mom, i also need to fast from silence towards her. these two will propel me to create positive experiences with my mom.

maybe i also need to fast... from the past. this will help my situation with the Family. to remember is important... and it used to be the baon i brought to the family table. but this baon wasn't integrated properly when i transitioned into long-term physical distance from the Family. and it's like a dystopia. now the past makes me dwell and forget about the present, more so the future - that becomes way too far. and i need to pay attention to that. keep taking steps towards it. calling things that are not as though they were. i know i will find these things if i call them.

things to do:

get/find an everyday watch

repair laptop

read

nesting in my room