morning

i am the only one in the office today. because i am just one i haven't turned on the air conditioning. it's been a little warmer the past few days and i can see the extra weight in the air from the clashing climates. i was a bit disappointed when i only woke up for an alarm at 6:30. what happened to the 5:30 one? in any case... i couldn't write earlier though i wanted to. sitting to write at 6:30 puts me in a state of mind that is just a bit anxious about being late. but perhaps that is precisely why i need to start writing within that hour. the moment i wake up on a work day i am already thinking about work and hoping that i don't screw up. the floaters in my right eye are very visible today, i wonder what that means.

had a very strange dream last night and though i can't remember it now and couldn't remember when i tried after waking up, i feel very uncomfortable about it.

most of the time in my own room i still feel like a stranger. i don't know what else i have to do to make it feel better. i do feel comfortable in my own bed, but my desk needs some improvement especially for the momentum i need to maintain for work. at this moment my mind is unable to focus on things, for being too aware of what i already need to be doing for work.

as i sit here by myself i think of the state of this life and how far it is from what i expected. i wish that things could be better. i wish p would reply to my messages and that it's not a case of he only messaged to thank me for giving him money. i wish that whatever blocks and walls are still standing in the way of the family moving forward together would just fall. i wish that words of life will arrive, or is something i can summon, or is something that can come from me. i wish that life will be reborn.