grow

it's the morning and i'm still feeling lightheaded and strangely weak from whatever symptoms are still lingering in my body. however there is a kind of peace in arriving in this workspace today so i am grateful for that. i am thinking of all the things that need to be accomplished today and i'm just praying and setting my mind to not making any mistakes. despite the peaceful atmosphere in this office i look into myself and still feel unrested. most of my life is in disarray and it's ironic to have this peaceful environment around me. now that i pay more attention to it it feels like it's mocking me. but perhaps i should just get rid of that feeling. the atmosphere is just an atmosphere. i am small but i am solid. there is meaning in this presence and it's up to me to make it matter. i have gatorade with me and it's funny how gatorade always reminds me of being sick. i am thinking of my presence here today and how it will impact others. i wish to be able to help. especially k.  i am feeling keen to work on the program because it has to do with coming up with and writing up creative activities. i am aware of how much is expected of me and how much i need to catch up.  this smallness really needs to stretch and grow. or realise it is already grown.

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i didn't finish writing this morning because i got carried by the work wave that came in. i think what i need to do from now is first go into the music room and then write before walking in to this office. or maybe just hit publish even though it doesn't look like much. because now it just looks like i didn't write at all. why did i have to hold back?  so much for not making mistakes. how easily this took a backseat when questions started to pile up and i needed to really start doing work. i'm squeezing too much into a few hours at the expense of other going unaccounted. what about 7 to 8 am? i had breakfast and got ready. i fixed up two agreements and sent them out. earlier than that i read the word and listened to a short podcast. my brain seems to need too much recalibrating time and i can't afford it. this writing stint has improved slightly although its pulse is still irregular within the day. grow, now. i don't want to make more mistakes that cause more friction and disappointment and tiredness and stretching from other people, anyone other than me.

today is teacher's day / tomorrow is valentine's day and there is a pack of 4 different types of swiss miss on my desk. from one of the students in the preschool, from whom i received a christmas gift also. it was strange at christmas time because i didn't know him yet. but now that i have done classes i appreciate the gesture more.

i've been made aware of doing things redundantly; i have to keep track of this. the plant i am trying to grow in the office has not grown. i think i don't water it enough at all. today has been feeling weird and for the first time i feel disillusioned and maybe this is good because when i am disillusioned i move faster. when i am not i am always in some kind of wonder or more aptly to right now stupor and it is like me walking around a new city with my head tilted upwards. there is no time for that. i just want to get things done.