taking root

the first day of bootcamp was today. as i took a seat and claimed some space on the table, i realised i was feeling something i hadn't felt in a long time: the uncertainty of a new class. perhaps the last time i felt it was meeting my dissertation supervisor in maybe it was november 2013.

i was about to go into a spiel of the past year - 'how long ago that was' - wow. i really actually really do that a lot. i'm glad i caught myself this time.

this feeling of uncertainty caused me to look around and see, and feel the atmosphere. very familiar people, an unfamiliar context. K confirmed this by opening with something like, 'i need you all to not see me as your youth minister right now.'

i remember starting to feel intimidated as V commanded blue chalk on the chalkboard. i began to think of my own presentation. i didn't prepare anything really. i would have needed a lot more time for that. was i gonna put the laptop on the table and read? no. it would slow me down and make me say 'ummm' much more than i usually do.

i opted to carry the laptop, which was good because it gave my hands something to do. God knows what happens with my hands when i'm speaking - i.e. really articulating and having my brain work. it's like my hands think they're all mouths. perhaps this is something that's happened because of my previous routine of this very exercise i'm doing right now. at boot camp it's called stream of consciousness writing. the lady at uni who had a cool operator voice also called it that. at 15 i just called it word vomit.

my quietness was called out before V's presentation. i felt again familiar feelings of 'maybe i should say this' or 'should have said that'.

the last activity was also writing and it required a title. for some reason i forgot all about it as i was trying to recall everything i could about impact evaluation - and i had also carried out the exercise answering the three questions directly. for some reason, it didn't occur to me to write everything in one stream of paragraphs; not that i didn't know how, but simply because the questions were presented and i reacted to them. was i waiting for a specific instruction that said "write as one whole piece" ? (maybe it was said, even, but i didn't hear.)  upon reading the feedback later in the evening i realised that the title made a lot of sense because it meant i was writing with that objective stated in the title. i think, recalling now, i even disregarded the title the moment i typed down the questions. because of the questions. like why would i write a title if it was in a question-and-answer format?

when did i become this reactive and structured? i understand that some level of structure is good and in fact i need it in my life right now, but the reactive structure in place in my mind at the moment is truly all sorts of wrong. i don't think i used to be like this. i don't remember having this problem before.

maybe it's an effect of transitioning.

maybe all this friction the past months is me really trying to unlearn an entire lifestyle built upon non-control of circumstances and the environment of my life. all my life i have known, yes, i have to leave my friends and move to another country. yes, i have to go to a new school despite whatever discomfort it makes me feel. yes, your accent will change again.

now it's done. that is for real. no more future transitions. and this is the first time that i am taking root.

i tried to take root before but my spirit was weak and roots were blown away by circumstances. i have no excuse now.

i guess there never was an excuse. it's really just a habit to be unlearned.

undo, unravel, and take root.