workdump

so i'm getting a formal coaching program. im grateful for this. today v caught me - i was in the middle of explaining myself and a process that i would have to go through in order to get my own classes running. and then i trailed off because i started to think that ok i have to do that, i need to sort this, then starting to think should i have done that already? how caught up should i be with this already and what repercussions will it have if it turns out i havent done things?

she pointed a finger at me, half grinning: stop it! don't dwell. 

my eyes grew wide because her notice came at a time that i could also see it completely, and the matter was light enough for me to not be precious about the thought process that was disrupted. thats when i saw, in a big way, the cycle for what it really was. stupid and unneccessary. 

the work day was full and there was one point where i thought i would burst in impatience. that small moment was my laptop giving me rainbow wheel, i could sense most people relaxed, and i was asked a question for the 3rd time in 2 minutes even though i said to hang on. then the moment passed. and i gave the number being asked of me. and the rainbow wheel disappeared. and it was all ok.

what went wrong today was something to do with preparing for the training. i was going to address the director directly without first going through the managing director. when i consider those titles it is obvious and straightforward. but putting characters into play make it a different story for me - and it shouldnt be. i was also reacting to what the accountant had told me which was to ask the director. but she says that lightly and i shouldnt have taken it seriously. 

things were also a bit slow in the morning because of the uncertainty about ilc again. faced with an honest inquiry made the dependencies surface again. i was offering a concept but the plan behind it is still half-baked. and there are things going on in the campus that make this feel strained to happen. i spoke with the principal and after i explained this to her she sees the point and we agreed we will take things forward on monday.