give

it's been a long day of listening and processing, and some people had been saying it was information overload and i can imagine that yes it actually is. but i realised i wasn't really feeling like that because the past months there have been that much more processing and information which made today a fairly light day.

it was interesting to learn specific steps of active listening. i realised that i learned this organically, likely from people who have practised it on me. but learning about it in detail today showed me where i always jump to: problem-solving. and this has done me no good at all the past years.

we did an art activity before lunch break and i noticed how much i appreciated the process of painting. i haven't done it in a very very long time. perhaps painting is one of the few processes where i am able to practise 'seeing the big picture,' because i am inclined to the blocking technique. it requires me to move and act according to the big picture, rather than move and act according to the slightest detail. this has given me an idea for an activity for the rb program.

focusing on the help experience made me see my circumstances in new perspective. it helped me see the big picture, rather than the details that paralyze me. it's reminded me what it's like to see and accept love in all forms. i am extremely sad but at the same time extremely determined to turn this around. because there has been enough uncertainty, and i've been in it more than enough to have enough certainty about what is beyond it.

since my current profile is conserving-holding and is hooked on structure and fact and thoroughness, i might as well milk it. and hopefully, so much so that it infects my secondary profile - my old profile - the one i want to go back to: supporting-giving.

integration. making things make sense again after the explosion. after the damage. buckling down on picking up this exploded assumptive world and creating a new one with the same pieces, and new glue.

as well as my writing times every day i need to give as often. the thing i have done the least of, the thing i have planted most fear in.

and everything's scheduled and/or listed. every day. so this injects who i aim to be into who i currently am at the moment. this is a bottleneck that is overdue for blasting apart. and my situation right now is most challenging for that very reason: because it is perfect blasting ground.

much is asked of those who can give much. the seam is tearing. there is no more space fear that makes a flow backfire.