bread

ten nineteen. my mom has a fever and i'm in their room to watch over while my dad has gone out to get medicine. i'm feeling the same as yesterday and i shouldn't have forced down a second slice of buttered toast. i have a lot to finish today or at least i need all my brain power so i can't afford to feel this. hopefully i can get through the day and then just sleep early. i just really do not want to be such a big weight anymore. the day is quiet. ah, spoke to soon - the neighbour with a loud voice has just started talking and it's very audible from this room. i have always wondered what she looks like because i only ever hear her voice. i have an image in my head but it could be very different. i wonder what kind of images my words formed for those who kept in touch with me the past years. k. v. mainly. these people who are unrested because of the great disparity in the reality of me and the expectation. i suppose i perceived the same, and was knocked off my feet soon enough. stomach is churning again. making a note to not eat more than a slice of bread's worth of food in one sitting today. lola was trying to get me to eat egg and the thought was enough to make me want to throw up again. i tried to imagine what i could enjoy eating. out of the blue this is the thought that arrived: general's chicken from recipes. with gising gising. it feels like God is really showing me what he has placed on this earth for me. he is showing me how much i've cut it down. the consequences of my actions. and that now, at present, in the great unrest and imbalance of all things, he is showing how much he wants it restored. our lives are literally hanging by a thread for this.