place

just got home and suddenly feeling tremendous itch in my feet. the whole day i didnt feel these mosquito bites but now i am. it is reminding me a bit about my december illness and i am reminded that i should take care of myself. because i cant be a decent human being to others if i dont. my physical periphery the past years had given me space to feel like as long as there was a decent front i was fine. but now i am around people who i am closely bound to and the muck of my spirit is called out to be cleaned out.

it is friday and the long week has ended. i still have things to catch up on and this needs to be done by monday or else i might as well pack up and leave. it doesnt make sense how much i lag when i am really really keen on the things i am doing. i guess there is a lot of emotional sifting.

i pay attention to what i am physically feeling right now and compare it to last night where especially after dinner i just conked out. i am grateful for not feeling that right now. i still feel a bit nauseated and earlier today i sensed that i grew weaker after eating, but it wasn't as bad as last night. and hopefully i will not throw up tonight. this makes me realise that i have been spiritually weak for so long. i no longer remember being healthy spiritually - only in spurts. i remember once, writing a prayer in the corner of my bedroom in a fresh new tenancy in london. things felt so unfamiliar but those words were home. i remember this. i remember strength. i need to remember this more because it is what will get me out of this. i need to remember what it was like to be friends with k and what it was like to not be afraid of failure. only then can i finally get out of this and be a real person to people again. because if i have been in shock the past few months, what more these people. obviously no one is exactly the same person as they were six years ago. but everything about me feels tentative. waiting for some kind of confirmation to Be. how stupid. and annoying. and time-wasting. this is not a new place. there is no reason to be a stranger and to be unsure.