feb 4 sunset.

maybe all those times i've had headaches and felt nauseated are the times that words were meant to just be regurgitated. i can't really tell what makes it so difficult for me to write now and why there are so many prerequisites in my head and so many expectations. it's only writing. i used to spend so much time doing so. or rather, i did a lot of it - the time comparison isn't accurate because back then i could write tons in a while and now i write nothing in a while.

today i woke up wishing i could go back to sleep. it's the 3rd day of this weird looming illness. it is really just probably a cold slash cough but it has come at the worst time and is therefore seen in the worst light. i woke up at 6:30 thinking i have to shower quickly and just grab breakfast to be able to ride with my dad because i'm bringing 10kg of clay to school today.

i got ready and saw my dad in his room on the way out and i said 7:15? and he said, ya, tomorrow. so i forgot. why does my brain seem to mix and match thoughts to create un-ideal scenarios?

i didn't have an appetite so i just took a lunchbox to pack the breakfast food. i packed in a bit more than i used to in case i get hungry before lunch. i had a banana and vitamin c.

K was telling me i really need to write and that it will help my capability in the workplace. this is true. i can't keep doing homework because it will actually suck me dry. because work isn't like school. i know this. and yet it is so difficult to break the habit as i allow myself to eat more and more time that can be used to rejuvenate.

every morning. and every night. she said. writing twice. this is a tall order in context of my horrendous non-existent writing habit at the moment.

9:15am with toddlers. it is always a nice time to play. laughter. unmasked words and movement and conversations. imagination that needs to break out - i hope to help do this with the clay sessions. TJ stepped out of the room and i felt less pressure to do stuff and allowed myself to really engage with the children. i need to read more how this can be enriched.

the rest of the morning was a meeting with a trainer and what i thought i had under control quickly became not so. i didn't ask about what i needed to do. so obviously, there were things i didn't do right. or didn't do at all. why don't i ask more questions? what's the line between not asking and asking, and staying a capable employee?

now i have a trello board for my entire life. this throws me off a little bit because i am having trouble accommodating more information-organizing into my brain. thinking of where i have to update, how often, etc. maybe i do have a problem in thinking and maybe i am really that slow. at school they called it "thoughtful" and "but needs more manifestation in 3D form." great.