perhaps the way to see it is that i am trying to find God in me. where is God in me and what is he doing there and what does he want me to do.
i found a prayer in my bible last night which i think was something my mom had inserted, during the time that she was using it for herself. it was a prayer to the Holy Spirit and it was called the Secret to sanctity and happiness. it said, tell me what I ought to do and command me to do it. and it implores that: make me submissive to your will.
it felt like that prayer found me at the right time.
but as i write it now i realise the root of it is to not think about myself and see God in what unfolds, no matter what it is. this prayer feels like it has consoled me but it doesn't tell me who i am and how God loves me and why God loves me. so maybe it isn't the right prayer to attach myself to at the moment.
i don't even know how to begin speaking of what transpired yesterday evening. it was a headache-inducing struggle and i could literally see my brain fighting itself. one part was trying to stay strong and stay an image of a person who can be relied on and another part was just gone and lost and perhaps begging to be found. no, not really. what was it? maybe it just had no clue. of anything at all.
maybe i am so accustomed to being mirrored or finding alignment for as long as the home is there. but right now it is not there or rather it is empty. and that means what is being mirrored to me is emptiness. and brokenness. there was a time where this sensitivity was useful and could help people. but now it is not appropriate. i have to be the mirror now. i have to fill this house again so that it can be lived in. i need to make a roof so that the Family can be protected.
i cant do this if i am only a reflection of a broken home. i need vision.
i used to be so opinionated. and so sure of myself. i knew who i was. then God arrived and i was in awe. a state of discovery. of introduction. and for that time my knowledge of myself was suspended. because here was the Creator. He created me. and everything i knew was irrelevant.
in this state of unknowing, zeteo took care of me. was with me. and maybe the trauma isn't actually in my coming home - maybe it was in leaving home. and it was a long event. maybe it was the realisation that things could not be the way we had planned, that the Family would spend time over there. i then allowed the unknowing to take over. i have been suspended for a long time, only knowing deeply what went on around me but not knowing my place in it.
i don't know how to start believing for myself. i dont know why it is difficult. was it my past that told me to not brag? my mother who, instead of listening to a truth that i would try to say, would call me a know-it-all and arrogant? i was too young to understand the wounds and humanness of my parents back then. and maybe i didnt know how much it has shaped me.
but God shaped me first. He knows everything about me. and He loves me enough to shape me in a way that will get through this. because He has shaped this too. and it will all be okay. this truth is not grounded in me completely at the moment but i know that i have to start repeating it and believing it.
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