work

my mother commented at lunch today how i have been working at home and how i (along with sister and dad) used to comment all the time about how she brought work home. i don't know why but i just couldn't bring myself to explain fully. i just said, magkaiba naman ang situation.

was feeling a bit emotional during mass today because i suddenly noticed the people in front of me. they were a family with three kids. at the Peace be with you, the siblings were all messing about. it suddenly reminded me of my sister and next thing i know it was taking all my effort to push back tears. then i thought of spiritual family and how much that is in disarray and i tried to imagine when we would be back to normal. or in a better place. i thought of K and tried to imagine when we would be happy again. these were difficult thoughts and a sad song started to play for communion and i am pretty amazed at how my brain was able to tune it out.

my parents weren't convinced when i said 'magkaiba yung situation.' i said how it's a start-up. i said i need to because i've just started. why naman like that. why didn't they ask, oh how is it different? i didn't judge my mother the moment she brought home work. i always asked why she had to do it. and i often asked her about the work environment, who she was working with, etc. they didn't seem to be bothered to ask me. my mom just said that she wasn't like this when she started at her work. and, well, i had no energy to put myself out there for them. not this time. and if i did, i may not have done it the right way. so i chose to stay quiet. perhaps i will write them tonight. it could be my 2nd 30 minutes.

because it is different. her work and my work do not have the same deliverables. she was working in a big government organization. i am in a team of 5.

my mother is also in a state of reacting, of dwelling in the how and where. all the more i have to not react. since i am also 'recovering' from reacting to her, i have to not react first until i can start acting in good opposition.

if my dad starts commenting on this more i will also begin to struggle with him.

i wonder sometimes how my dad would be if he had a stable career. i pray for him lately because i am hoping that animosity doesn't start to build between him and his parents while he doesn't have a stable job. i hope his new gig picks up momentum and that his older one in real estate also picks up a rhythm.