roots

discovered a new perspective of my grandparents today. it was over breakfast and my mom was talking about how unhealthy it was for them to live with each other and barely communicate. my dad talked about how there is too much pride between the both of them. and how my lolo has a hard time forgiving. but he has forgiven you, she told my dad. and he continued to explain that my lolo didn't feel taken care of by my lola. what he sees is that she just prays all the time. this is a sad discovery. it makes more sense now. it reminded me of how k told me to stop talking about God between us because it was becoming a blanket. i wonder what times my lola took a backseat. lolo has been through quite a few major operations and he has turned his life around and gotten rid of all vices to stay healthy and capable. i can see how he is frustrated with lola who just prays and has made no effort to change her diet, or live healthier so that she would not be in so much pain at this age. i try to imagine them as a younger, able-bodied couple and i asked my dad if lola was more active then. took on more responsibility. not really, he said. i can see how big a gap that is - lolo is proactive, a real doer.

how vulnerable are our dispositions to prayer. i do not want to make the same mistake or rather continue making the same mistake. as a young person i looked up to my lola for her talent and later on her devotion to the Lord. next to my lolo who tended to display more discontent or impatience, she was the kinder one. but i see this differently now and the tables have turned. and it makes sense now that i have felt some discomfort with her since i got back, i just couldnt explain it. it is different from before - and i cant even remember how i used to see her the last time we lived here. but hers is a rhythm i don't want to have. there is more affinity with my lolo now because he can keep up conversations and it feels like he communicates with me as a human being rather than a small apo.