catch

lost track of time.

my worst feelings are not the truth about a situation. this is what transpired in response to my last post. also, that i have managed to maintain two perspectives on my life and the things that happen in it that require my response. some kind of quasi-resilience that is a combination of i can and what if the situation really doesn't allow...

annoying

i will try to fit this into a situation: k clarified that she was not accusing me or anything of the sort. and my mind seems to say that yes, i can accept that. she is just stating facts. but my mind is also saying, what if accepting that is not the right thing to do? no wonder i freeze. i cancel myself out. i allow two opposing perspectives to just fester in my head. and they grow independently but never get anywhere because they never meet. or i don't allow them to meet. they never fight. so there isn't an opportunity for any one to win. so here is an attempt at the i can winning. she was not accusing me. i can't begin to imagine what kind of effort that would have taken. there is so much weight to everything and yet the conversation was there and it happened and it was a discussion but it wasn't a fight. it could have easily been but it wasn't and there is great grace in the fact that it wasn't. i want to catch that grace so i can give it back and not just let it pass and dissolve into the air for the lack of a vessel to sustain itself in. catching that grace means tomorrow i will do better. and i am setting my alarm again and turning it up loud and even changing the ringtone to a more lively one. catching grace means i will take care of it and not waste it and to take care of it tonight i will read and it might even grow a little. catching grace means tomorrow there will be anxiety but i will not respond to it and not act out of it.