alighting

i should finish at the very beginning of the next day.

i think i will beg off early mass tomorrow and rest. there was some resistance from my dad and he was saying i could simply go back to sleep after mass. i started saying it's not the same, and if i slept in i would only need an hour; if i slept again it would be an additional 3 hours. my mom agreed. maybe i will walk to church tomorrow, depending how hot it is - it was pretty hot today.

then again taking the jeep means i have more time to be productive before and after mass. there is quite a bit to do.

i guess i kind of miss travelling by myself. it became the only time i had to myself the last few years.

but maybe this time round it's really time to let go of that. i've allowed being in transit to define me and i've even worn the badge passionately at times. now that my circumstances are changed, it is really just becoming an excuse.

in the meeting with a client the other day, we introduced the LIFO survey to them and i shared a bit about how inclinations may change depending on when you take it. i used to be an SG - supporting-giving. now i am a CH - conserving-holding.

just those words are enough to tell me everything wrong that i am doing. hanging on to stuff. holding back. the description continues to point out: analysis paralysis. fixated on details. bound by fact. etc. such a different profile to the SG disposition which is more organic, more secure, more attuned to the spirit.

i explained that being a CH right now is because i am in transition. how ironic: in transition from being in transit. it's like i've been faxed over to here and the machine forgot some crucial data that will bring me back to a healthily-functioning SG.

is there something about this reality that my brain is trying not to comprehend? that it is avoiding? i think i've already seen it enough that things have changed. that this place is familiar but twisted. and i know. i accept.

why do i still keep making mistakes? why am i still slow, why am i not fully present and thus realising things in retrospect?

i guess it really is just the growing pains and i have to persevere. not fighting myself but getting down on my knees to ask for a shield, to ask for strength.

i have little words tonight. i need to take in the Word first.