dark

what are you trying to make me see, hear, God? because it must be the only reason why you haven't swooped in and turned the tables for the better. i must be missing the point.

have i not asked boldly enough? have i not asked for the right thing? have i asked at all?

i know Lord that you are doing something. i can feel it. i know that better things have yet to come. but help me, Lord. in the waiting. equip me with wisdom and knowledge and the spirit to act upon your truth. i am less inclined to do reading right now because it feels like this conversation is more important.

because words are too familiar to me. words that i read. i have always sought strings and strings of words to make me intelligent, to enable me to function, to keep direction, to accomplish. i have always sought words to make things better.

these are not options right now because words that i seek from outside of me will always in a way keep me where i am. will keep me from going anywhere because of my inclination to collect them and create fortresses with them, all for the sake of reading and reading and reading as if words could teleport me somewhere else.

the words here are words that come forth from something not seen, filling up something once blank.

help me believe that your timing is perfect. there are many things around me that make that difficult to even begin to comprehend. every night i sleep late and exhausted feeling i wish i could have done more.

and yes, it's not always about the hours in a day. they too build up walls around me as i try to grab them and make them my own and try just a little too hard to stretch these hours.

i am constantly parched and today my body felt like it was floating slightly. some kind of lightness of being spent. i hope it's peeling that will make me better. i know you are working. you have to be. this is the darkest night and that is when you work. 

but call out Lord. that i may find my way.