rhythm

the day is dimming. my brain has recalibrated a bit after an hour nap. i stopped reading when words weren't going into my head anymore.

i have read about how art is useful in therapy because creative activities provide the opportunity for increasing congruence in the client's mind. l'engle said this too. cosmos out of chaos. i remember when that book was so alive for me. and in some ways it has stayed alive and in some ways it faded. i don't really know what caused this. when i was engrossed with art it was my guiding light. and then i continued with the creative education and those words took a backseat. perhaps it really was university that messed me up completely. i went in there wanting to continue ceramics and wanting to continue what i did during my first year - being able to journal, being reflective, having that time of co-creation with the first Creator. and then on the first day i sat down in the introductory talk and nick is clad in a scruffy t-shirt and had messy hair - typical designer - and was very intelligent talking about sustainability and the importance of design. and i remember feeling... is this the right course for me?? my portfolio showed nothing of the sort, i was purely coming from the fine art angle where i was allowed my identity of co-creation. i remember thinking of my previous tutor from my previous school and her poetic talk about vessels. i always wonder what she wrote in that recommendation letter that took care of my acceptance onto that course, and not disregarding the fact that she was good friends with the course leader.

nonetheless there i was in the room of dirty white walls clad in abandoned staples and blu-tack, and of corkboards with brass pushpins. i didn't really encounter nick much until the third year, where he slammed (in a politically correct way) my work for being too thoughtful and not moving. i remember our year tutor stefano and noticed he stuttered a bit and also looked like a typical designer but i discovered was much more warm to encounter. i remember going home that afternoon, to a strangely unfamiliar but familiar dorm room, and having a headache for some reason and throwing up all the salad i had for lunch. couldn't eat corn for a few months after that.

getting lost in the rotations of the first year of the course, i lost also my rhythm that i carefully transported from london to brighton. make a spoon. make another spoon. make a joint. make a chair. there was no space for me to consider how i might co-create. there was only handout after handout about techniques and terminology to learn. there was no more reflective journal - only a technical journal.

despite being in design i realise i haven't really picked up that quick, decisive, proactive, outward disposition that tutors encouraged. i only picked up the thorough, research-oriented, inward disposition and that, without balance of the outward disposition, is a deep hole to fall into.

i can see that how i failed myself - and my co-Creator - back at university is the way i could possibly fail again if i don't maintain this personal rhythm. spiritually, i had fallen off the radar, and was in denial about it. there might have been spurts of life dotted around but it was not sustaining, not at all. not for myself, and much less for a family that depended on me.