making

i had a strange dream. twenty minutes of wakefulness is enough for me to forget most of it, but right now i can still remember one scene: i was trying to make my dad coffee from the coffee machine. this is a simple enough task that involves the pressing of buttons and placing a cup in the right place. but somehow it became a real arduous task because the machine wasn't doing things i expected it to. too much water came out in the rinsing process and overflowed from the cup, making a mess. when i finally did manage to have some coffee pouring out, it was also too much and it filled three cups. i grabbed the wrong container at some point - a glass. scooping out creamer yielded a spoonful of sugar instead. nothing went right.

perhaps this is my brain decentering or trying to make sense of things by placing the gist in a different narrative. i wasted a sugar. creamer. water. like i wasted time. effort. love. i had a mess of things to serve out, a couple of mugs and a glass, making all of them with the intention of choosing the one that turned out the best instead of making a decision to focus on one. and i didn't ask for help. i was focused on working towards making things look okay as i served it out to the table. no matter how messy or wasteful. in real life these resources aren't even mine. but i didn't take care of it.