questions

while walking home a while ago i was reflecting on the day and tried to paint a clear picture of what i had done. i am afraid that it isn't enough. it did take a while to write up the activities for the program so far and there were surprisingly quite a few inquiries and i had to do a round of follow-ups and had some money reimbursed and... i don't even stop to eat lunch for an hour. i swear i didn't waste time.. but why does it feel like i did? i'm trying my best to not be slow. and i was aware of it the whole time. and suddenly it was 3pm. what if this is really something i cannot do? i thought i could. i also reflected upon the situation and i asked myself if the matter of this is that there is less love. is there less love from me which is why i am not meeting expectations? what has changed? is it higher stakes? have i become that lazy? i am doing everything i can. and i don't think i can live with myself if things don't work out. it's interesting that my mind is still racing with work-related things in this second post of the day. there is a new inquiry for II so i will have to take care of that. how is that going to go? what are the repercussions if it fails? what if it happens and it's not a good use of the space that we have and could have potentially used for something else? what if our psychologist never mentioned us coming up with a program in the first place?

is there less love? i don't believe that from me. i am still here. and i feel the same. is it possible for that love not to diminish despite the presence of fear? when will this love cast out all fear? i'm guessing i have to allow it. and believe that it can. even though there is so much stacked up against it. reputations, projects, careers, relationships... i need to find how this can happen, quickly, is it really just a decision? i seem to decide and then get shaken when things don't go as planned. please Lord.