empty

it's raining. the air is cool. still feeling weak but i was able to eat more for dinner tonight which is a good sign, and i didn't feel as bad post-eating. i am hoping that one more night of sleep will do the trick. after my evening post i closed my laptop screen because i was starting to feel suffocated by it. i wonder if maybe i could set up the desktop computer in my room. my parents aren't using it because they prefer the laptop. but having two workspaces might just discombobulate my brain even more. i realise i still need to rename this space. no more bottle pendant. there is no need to keep things compartmentalized into such a small container. unboxing? maybe it's best to just keep away from all references to containers. but maybe a vessel. i wish to be a true vessel from now on. all the turbulence of the past months is because i haven't been empty. i have been too heavy with too many unnecessary things in tow. there wasn't space for vision of other things, other people. it is shameful. people depended on me and there i was, not sure why. or rather not letting the truth of why sink in and move me. so much damage. too much fear that isn't helping. needs to go. no one here is actually out to get me - except perhaps myself. and there is light here right now and if i don't move, it will pass and there may not be another chance to get out of the darkness.