fam i ly

the weekend is at its end. i plan to sleep after writing this last post of the day, in attempt to really change my sleeping habits and wake up earlier in the morning. i know that one hour of work with fresh wakened mind is better than two hours of a brain at the end of a day. not theoretically know, either, but experientially know.

a short conversation with k reminded me of what i was thinking this afternoon: nobody questioned who you were in london because nobody knew where you came from. it was exactly that, that i was thinking of, just before the beginning of mass (a nice voice sings at the 4:30pm one). i remember thinking about times where i'd be travelling or by myself somewhere outside the house and if i were alone the whole day i would not have spoken at all. it was my solitude that became unhealthy. because i eventually lost the rhythm that kept me grounded. my rhythm was always dependent on other things. if i wasn't at home, it would either be school, or the people i let into my life at school, and my conversations with k. and the few people every now and then who kept in touch. when at home, the same, but with added family dynamics and also a rhythm with my sister. with so many things it's no wonder why in the silence, i would just be silent. without my own beat. 

m popped up in a message earlier today, which i was grateful for because he has been m.i.a. the past months. are you in denial about anything? he asked. and i found myself saying... maybe that i don't really know myself. k asked what made me feel like i did know myself. and at this point i don't even know how i could have. maybe i was always looking for a mirror. for as long as things around me, things in my world - relationships, goals, occupations, as long as these weren't exploding in my face, i wouldn't have thought i needed to check myself. again, the spurts, when things did explode, but ended up getting better. i always blamed my parents for being the way they are but failed to succeed in changing my reactions towards them. if i didn't see how i directly caused a problem, i wouldn't be able to see how i as an indepdent individual could cause impact towards a better situation.

for the nth time, you are not inconsequential. you have to see what you've set in motion and keep them going because death isn't an option. you have to see the investments of heart made to you and you need to work on their return. 

i need to remember who i was to truly recall how i started this family. and if i'm going to fix it, i will need to know who i am now.