time machine

the morning is quiet.

my lolo was talking about anxiety at the breakfast table this morning. he gets anxious when he calls up his good friend who is a doctor who helps him out. he revealed that last night he had taken a sedative and it had put him right to sleep.

i know he usually sleeps at around 9 and then wakes up at 3 or 4 in the morning. he always communicates it as being an early riser because there are many things to do: he has a lot of reading to get done, he makes walking sticks in his garage, and he finds things to repair around the house.

but it now looks like it is all just anxiety. he is anxious about his life. his health and prevailing ailments. his loss of hearing is bothering him a lot.

the other night lola was talking about vertigo at the dinner table - or was it that she was trying to remember the term 'pacemaker' which she has in her - and i was looking at lolo who was looking at her. he looked disillusioned. i can only imagine what he is feeling. for more than fifty years he has taken care of her. has been excellent with handling money, while she had absolutely no clue. discipline came from him. and now there isn't much but resentment between them. neither seems grateful for where they are and how they are together all these years.

maybe this is all being revealed to me now because i could end up like that. some kind of predisposition in me to become like my lola, talented and gifted but killing it over false humility,  overweight, living with disease, heart disabled. resigned to watching the same tv shows every night.

i don't want the people who care for me to turn into my lolo around me. sometimes i feel like i have no control over what happens between me and k because of the past that i cannot change. i have to remember the future. realise the present.