reality

haven't written in my gratitude journal in a while. i guess it's difficult to be grateful for anything when there is such a huge gap that needs to be bridged. i am in bed now typing on the phone from my wireles keyboard. i find i have a bit more energy lying down so here i am. hard eucharisteo. there must be much to be grateful for in a trying time. i am grateful that this isn't the end of things. i am grateful for family. i am grateful for great pain and disappointment because it means that there has been great love. time and time again i have been catching up, catching up. now has got to be the last time. there must only be sharing time, no buying time no taking time. i am grateful for these words and that there are words and that they somehow form a small tiny bridge that i hope will become stronger. i'm supposed to be a maker. i should make a bridge. i should be aware of what materials i need, that they be strong and reliable and weatherproof. that joining techniques are solid and unmovable like dovetail joints. words must be strong and reliable and weatherproof, and actions solid and unmovable. the bridge becomes a promise. a living promise that grows every day. i am feeling a bit nauseated again perhaps i shouldn't have taken that chance on milk. but my weakened nails have been bothering me and it's on my dominant hand so it's a noticeable change in strength and so i drank some milk. it didn't taste good at all. i hope i do not throw up again. L said it sounds like food poisoning. maybe it was the pancit that i had that day and maybe God is laughing at me for bringing baon when i could have had food ordered like everyone else. i didn't have much of an appetite and felt the expense was unnecessary for an unaccepting stomach. 

just realised i haven't gone to a new paragraph. i am tempted to go back on that last chunk but hey let's try not being bloody perfect for once because it is an illusion anyway. you will never be perfect. talk about messed up priorities. come look at what is real. and be here. no matter how imperfect it seems. because if you look deep enough at what is real perfection is always to be found and it looks like a cross.