running

2112.

i had started writing this afternoon while in church waiting for things to start, but i paused to join the prayer. i went back to the post after and it hadn't saved and the cache of the blogger app reset. so, a couple of paragraphs gone.

anyway, i'm sure those words will find their way back into the next 1.5 hours of writing. i promised myself this. and K. i have to keep it up. and it's 3 times a day. so here it goes.

the day started early again but given the much earlier friday, i was grateful for a 0730 call time today. operations were smooth and the event was a success. K called me out on running, Can you stop running, she said. the first time i had reason (sort of) because i needed to source change for the cashier to give to a waiting client. but the second time... i don't even remember. why was i running? why do i keep running? i seem to feel completely useless unless i'm seconds away to accomplishing something. i was running and turned the corner and saw K and i caught myself and hit the brakes. Why do you keep running, she said, as she seemed to flow towards and past me. she trailed off talking about how our place of work not advocating haste. etc. i walked up the stairs and thought. i know that. and i see myself not in haste. why do i act otherwise?

and why do i ultimately still feel incredibly slow?

my brain and my body and maybe my heart, they are all at different speeds and increasingly less aligned. there seems to be a lot lost in translation. or in transit, rather. from the brain to the body. from the heart to the brain. the spirit... it does not rush to the surface quickly enough. or my spirit is out and raw at the wrong times, like a dog sticking out its head from a car window just in time for a face-full of prickly leaves and spindly branches.

2143. this was a pretty crappy 30 minutes.