examen xxvi

last week was only four days and yet it was so, so long. perhaps because it felt like one very, very long day, maybe with one of the highest levels of stress thus far, not so much because of the many meetings, many people, many deliverables... but because of the quick flight and quick falls in feeling. feeling okay with myself one moment and then in absolute loathing the next. articulating fine one moment and then giving probably the worst elevator pitch at work to date, the next.

dear Lord, let it be over. i just want to be more peaceful about myself from now on.

on thursday it seemed to be the last crash. i always tell myself, don't break down at work. don't break down at work. and then it just happened. it was partly having come from a meeting with new possibilities that i would have to reconcile in order to get a project moving forward, part Ms M's unexpected speech about living in the now, part "where is your confidence?" and part plain disabling hormones (i got my period that evening).

you made a mistake. so what? V said.

sitting at the restaurant bearing another error of misunderstanding the promotion and realising it was only the pumpkin soup that was discounted that day, J said: i'm just kidding! geez, stop being so uptight. work hat, off. he raised his eyebrows at me. i almost react instantly. and then realise: he knows what he is saying. he knows this, what is happening. and even if he didn't, ultimately, he is right.

and so we keep moving forward. a little at a time.

and things really, really need to move. K called later that night to clarify what exactly she can expect of me to actually do. and i assured that everything i failed to finish at work today would be done by the new day. staying up that night gave a shockingly familiar feeling of school. and for the first time in the last few months, feeling like being in school wasn't a bad thing - this feeling was of doing something because i knew i cared about it and that i had all the capacity to do it, to do it the way i want and envision and the way it is needs to be. it would have been a bad thing if i was doing something just to fill in a gap or act out of uncertainty which often led to errors.

it was an uneasy sleep that night and for some reason, there were dogs in the vicinity continuously barking that it kept waking me up.

i was in school five 4.5 hours later, tired but mind awake. i felt my mind and body awaken while kneading all the little balls of clay for the kinder class. which did not happen. and by some miracle did not phase me. where it should have set me awry and trying to find footing, i just settled in, grabbed the bread pudding for breakfast in my bag, made instant coffee, changed my chair, read the day's Word, and was full speed ahead by 8 AM.

i am not really sure what unlocked that friday, but i wasn't thinking. wasn't thinking in a way that crippled me or in a way that a mirror blocks your path not just because of its physicality but because of the image that it projectile vomits back at you.

at the end of the day i realised i was carrying a headache which didn't even stop me the whole afternoon.

this is normalcy. this is what i am supposed to be doing. how i am supposed to be functioning. how have i been able to not do this all this time? i am ashamed of the wasted time and i pray that it happens less, if not never.